Sometimes, You Just Gotta Laugh

Life has a sick sense of humor sometimes, but we have a choice on how to react to it.  We can either curse it, yell, scream, cry, bitch, and moan, or we can choose a healthier path for our soul of laughter and rolling with the punches.  The immediate reaction is not what is important.  Our instincts kick in almost immediately with a reaction of fear, anger, sadness, or excitement.  What is important is our conscious action after we move past the initial shock.

Last week I posted about big decisions we were making and the dreams and goals surrounding them.  Little did I know, my husband was being informed at that same moment that he no longer had a job.  The startup company he was working for lost funding and shut down, laying off everyone.  I can only imagine the things going through my husband's head as he read my blog post that day.

I freely admit that when he told me that night, my heart plummeted and a small panic started in my gut.  Me being the highly emotional person I am, I was quite proud of myself for not letting that panic take over though.  There were some tears later, but I ultimately woke up the next morning ready to face this new challenge head on.  Crying, worrying, and holding on to anger or disappointment solves nothing.  Instead, careful analysis of the situation, running numbers, amassing options, and exploring creative solutions will get us through this.  Let's see where life takes us this time!

Much love!

P.S.  If you know of any designer positions with a gaming company or middle school math/science teaching positions open, let us know!

As One Story Ends, Another Begins in 2014!

Here we are ladies and gents.  New Year's Eve, 2013.  For many, this is a time of reflection on the year past, while others focus on the year to come.  I prefer to do both.

Looking back on 2013 requires revisiting both the bad times and the good.  It was my first full year in San Diego.  The holiday season of 2012 came at the same time as my move to San Diego, making the start of my life here very turbulent.  To say the least, I was utterly miserable at the beginning of 2013.  I was exhausted from school, from student teaching, from hosting holiday dinners and traveling for others.  My poor health management caught up with me and I came down with a nasty bug that felt like it was the end.  I had no friends here, no job, and no motivation.  After living on my own for 18 months, I had to acclimate to sharing my living space with my husband again.  It wasn't just my way anymore.  I had to consider someone else again.  It was a rough adjustment.

Somehow though, that low point merely acted as a springboard for a phenomenal year.  My incredibly patient and loving husband did not fret when my moods were all over the place.  Never one did he falter in his support.  When I finally figured out what I thought I needed to improve the situation, he did not hesitate to help make it happen.  He was there holding my hand the whole time.

As I navigated this new territory, I found myself as a long-term substitute.  Although the experience was challenging beyond imagination, it was also extremely rewarding.  However, the job had to come to an end.  I continued to substitute with various schools and tutor on the side.  I met amazing people and fostered valuable network connections.  Yet I still felt disconnected from the life I was living.

I found myself traveling, a lot.  Traveling  is not a bad thing.  In fact, it is amazing if done for the right reasons.  My best friend helped me realize I was not helping myself though.  My travels weren't just for vacation and to visit friends.  My travels were more about me running away to more comfortable situations than trying to build my life in San Diego.  I realized if I was ever going to be happy here, I needed to dig in and make it happen.

Then came kickball.  I never thought that a schoolyard game could change my life, my outlook.  Kickball filled that vital piece I needed to grow...friendship and community.  I had a reason to leave the house.  I had people to celebrate accomplishments with.  I made some wonderful friends.  I didn't feel so alone and isolated anymore, and this gave me strength to launch into the world here.  Even when things were rough, I had people I could call on now.

Now, I have opportunities to give back to my community and charity.  My tutoring business has continued to grow and my network grows more every day.  As 2013 comes to a close, 2014 is shining bright ahead.  My chapter of emotional struggle is giving way to a chapter of motivation and determination.  This new chapter will bring many challenges as I work to start my new school, increase my fitness, and continue improving my diet and overall being.  I look forward to more opportunities to give back to my community and neighbors.  And hopefully, I look forward to welcoming a child into our home.

2013, Thank you for the lessons you taught me and the strength you built in me, but our time is now down.  2014, Bring it on!

What "just be there" looks like

...and why my husband is my savior.

Grand Re-Opening!

I know I have been gone for a while.  Things got a little crazy in the last year or so.  Hopefully, I am back and I can start sharing my journeys and experiences with you all again!  To begin, let me give you a little recap of the last 14 months.  Yes, yes.  I know you know the general events, but rather than you refreshing your memory by looking at past posts, I will just do it here.

At this time last year, I was wrapping up my student teaching in Arizona.  Student teaching was one of the most challenging and rewarding things I have ever done.  It truly tested my limits and forced me to think outside the box.  I had bad days where I seriously doubted I would make it through, and I had great days where I was in awe at what my students could do.  With my classmates and my mentor teacher, I laughed, I cried, I pulled my hair out, and I loved.  Despite my fears and inexperience, my students thrived and I finally graduated.

With graduation, I finally got to be back with my husband again.  18 months of living in two separate places takes a toll on a relationship.  The transition back to living together and being a team was rough.  I had gotten used to depending on only myself.  I had gotten used to cooking for one, worrying about only what I needed to do and accomplish.  Suddenly, there was another person in the equation again and I had to relearn how to be a partner instead of the boss.  It was a long process that I was not able to solve myself, but it took me time to accept the help from my partner.

While this was all going on, my body was adjusting to the new climate.  I went from hot and dry to cool and humid and my body did not agree at all!  I spend months achy and depressed as I worked with my docs to adjust my meds accordingly.  Eventually, the Rheumatoid got used to the weather and I was able to function better and summer came along, improving my mood.

Now, I have settled into my life here in So Cal and I am working toward new goals.  My husband and I are trying to raise money to adopt, I am studying for my secondary certifications for teaching in California, I am substituting and tutoring privately, and I am looking into opening my own private school.  That doesn't even count all the plans I have for this house and yard!

So as you can see, I never seem to let myself slow down, but I feel that not only do I need to start blogging again for my own sanity, I also need to put my thoughts, feelings, and solutions out there for others again.  I  may be dreaming, but I believe my words can help others work through tough times in their own lives.  As I get back to blogging, I will continue to put coping strategies out there, share my own experiences, delve into more detail on some of the past events, and express new dreams.  Please feel free to give your input and suggestions.  I want this to be a community where we all help and share with each other.

Help Us Start a Family!

I know I haven't posted anything recently and I apologize for that.  With work and school, I just got out of the habit.  A quick update on things.

D has been working with a new startup computer game company and things are going great!  He is loving his job and the process is really starting to ramp up now.  As for me, I have been substituting like mad!  I have had work every day I have wanted it.  For the last 9 weeks, I have been on a long-term substitute job teaching 8th grade physical science.  It has been a mix of amazing awesomeness and incredible WTF moments.  I am telling you what.  Middle school kids have some very strange logic.  But the teachers I work with and the administration have been nothing but supportive and it has been a wonderful experience!

Next week is my last week as a long-term sub.  I am then giving  myself a much needed week off and going back to Tucson to see my girls receive their diplomas and visit my friends, one of which has this adorable little girl that I must cuddle and snuggle and sniff and quite possibly steal away!  Hehe.

Speaking of little ones, I wanted to share our latest adventure with you.  Hubby and I are officially working on the adoption process.  The problem is that it is soooooooo freakin expensive.  As such, we are doing everything we can to try to raise the $20k+ we have to come up with to start our family.  If you are able and willing to donate to our cause, we would greatly appreciate it.  Even a dollar helps us get that much closer.  Thank you for being such loyal readers and friends!

Living in Two States

So if you are close to me, you know I am living my life in two states right now -- Arizona and California.  If you are not close to me, you are probably asking why.  See, my husband and I had been living together in Arizona for the last year or so because he got a job with Sony Online Entertainment, his dream job (making computer games), in Tucson.  Unfortunately, after about a year and a half of employment, Sony shut down the Tucson office and laid off just about everyone.  This led to a job hunt which netted results in San Francisco.

When he took the new job, we had some decisions to make.  I was and still am in school to become a teacher.  If I were to transfer my schooling to California, it would add 2-3 years onto my completion date.  Seeing as I was only about a year and a half out at the time, that just seemed silly.  Why pour more time and money into something that can be done quicker and risk having to move again and add more time on should another unforeseen circumstance come up?  And so came our decision to split our household.

At this time, 98% of our belongings are in our beautiful 2 bed, 2 bath duplex in San Francisco with my husband, including the 2 cats and 1 dog.  I usually reside in Tucson in a studio apartment with nothing but a bed, a dresser, a TV, a few select kitchen items, and a bookshelf I adopted after the move.  Oh!  I adopted some chairs too.  Can't forget the chairs.  You know, the plastic patio chairs?  Yea, those.

Anyway, so usually I live in Tucson.  It is very lonely.  Yes, I have friends there and they keep me distracted from my loneliness as much as possible, but when I lay in bed at night, I miss being wrapped up in my husband's arms.  I miss the good night kisses and the good morning smiles.  The plan is to have me fly back to San Francisco every couple months for a long weekend or a short week to visit.  Even better, I managed to work my school schedule around so I have been able to reside in San Francisco for the last 6 weeks!  Oh how nice to live with my husband again!

But now my time in San Francisco is drawing to an end.  In two weeks (and 12 hours), my bags will be packed and I will be headed back to Tucson until the holidays.  I look forward to the warmth of Arizona (San Francisco is too damn cold!) and I look forward to seeing my friends.  I look forward to getting back to school on campus instead of online, and I look forward to swimming.  But once again, I will be living on my own.  I will miss my husband madly.  I will probably cry when I leave and I will probably bury myself in distractions once I get "home" while I adjust again.  I will probably cry myself to sleep a few nights as well.  But we love each other and we know we can make it through this as long as we support each other.  We also know this way will work out better in the long run than any of the other options.


.

Drugs, Money, and Rock & Roll - Part 3

Ok, I promise I am going to finish this time.  The problem is it has now been sooooooo long that all the details have flown out of my head.  Sorry about that.

So I ended with us having to get the house moved in something like 10 days from Tucson, AZ to good old San Francisco.  Why you ask?  Well, the answer is quite simple.  D's work wanted him to start that soon.  YAY!  D has a job!  Boo, I have to do all this moving crap.

Let's see, so I start calling around looking for moving quotes and find that most of the companies are WAY too friggin expensive.  Therefore, I reserve a U-haul and start signing friends up to help us.  Later, I will end up changing my mind and hiring a moving company anyway.  Next step is finding a place to live and getting the house packed and moved, all in 10 days.  Did I mention the movers pick up 3-4 days before your desired delivery date?  So that is 6-7 days to find a place to live and pack the whole house.  Keep in mind, I am still recovering from my nose surgery during all this.

Next, I start figuring out transferring my schooling to California.  I am thinking this should be easy since I am attending University of Phoenix.  Guess what.  It isn't.  See, California has more stringent requirements for their teachers.  Something about needing a Master's Degree or something like that.  I forget the details now.  The part I DO remember is that I can transfer just fine.  Only problem is instead of finishing in 1 1/2 years, it will now take 3 1/2 to 4 years?!?!  Oh. Hell. No.  Because you know I don't already have enough stress on my plate.  Naturally, I start spinning in my head til I get to talk to D about it.

When I finally get to talk to D, the solution seemed simple enough.  I stay in Tucson to finish school while he goes to San Francisco to work and we just fly back and forth to visit each other.  Awesome.  It is silly to keep a 2-bedroom apartment for just one of me, so I rent a studio, choose the items to stay with me (futon, dresser, TV, and some kitchenware.  That's it), and continue on my merry little way packing everything else.  I get it all planned out that I will spend the next 3-4 months in Tucson getting all my observation hours out of the way, then spend 6 months in SF with the hubby, then spend the remaining 6-8 months in Tucson finishing up my program and student teaching.  And then the scrambling begins all while trying to coordinate a 1000-mile move.

So we have 6-7 days. We hop in the car, drive straight through to Sacramento (14 hours in case you were wondering), and crash for 6 hours at my brother's house.  We then spend the next 48 hours looking at more than a dozen potential places to live in the San Francisco area.  Guess which one we picked.  Yup!  The second to last place.  (It's awesome by the way).  By the time we finish in SF and get back to Tucson (driving straight through again), we have 3 days to pack before the movers get there. Somehow we get it done with the help of friends, but I'm exhausted, my nose hurts, my body hurts, and I did I mention, I'm exhausted?

So, the movers arrive the day after we finish packing.  They get everything loaded.  They say 2-3 days for delivery.  Cool.  So we can take our time a little on the way back to SF to meet them at the new house.  We load up the animals and head off to mom and dad's in Sacramento.  Oh, I forgot, we brought the dog out to stay with  my brother the previous weekend when we were house-hunting.  He kept her for the move, thank goodness.  Can you imagine trying to keep track of a 75-lb boxer/lab during all this?  Yea, right.

We drive straight through...again.  We sleep when we get there.  The cats are freaked out as expected.  We are exhausted and all we want is sleep, but no, we have to go back into the city to sign the lease on the new place and pay our rent.  Then we go back to mom and dad's and have them feed us that night.  The next day, we head to our new home and set up shop to wait for the movers...who don't show up for an extra 2 days.  That's right.  5 days to get our stuff. All I have to say is thank goodness we brought the air mattress and I booked my flight home through Southwest Air so I could change my return flight easily.

With no time to unpack or anything, we get the boxes and furniture in the house somewhat how we want it, do the move-in inspection, make a list for the landlord and Alicia has to run away to catch her plane.  Leaving D with boxes everywhere sucked.  Then my flight was delayed and my ride could no longer get me.  This is about the time when I start asking "why me?!?!"  Luckily, another friends said she could get me so I didn't have to pay for a cab ride home.  Thank you!  Finally got home and to bed at 2am with class the following night and no homework done.  Awesome.

Which brings us back to the school issue.  Remember how I was going to do 3-4 months in Tucson to get all my observation out of the way and then spend 6 months in Cali?  Yea, later I figure out I planned that out totally wrong because, guess what.  Those 3-4 months fall during summer break.  No classes to observe.  Crap.  I then have to figure out how to work it out so I can actually get some time with my husband.  The solution:

June - Tucson
July and August - SF (8 weeks online classes)
September through December - Tucson, but home for holidays
End of December through Beginning of January - SF (2 weeks)
Mid-January through May - Tucson
June and July - hopefully SF but that may change
August through November - Tucson
December - home to SF for good.  Merry Christmas!

Can we say stressful?  Yea.  Welcome to my life.

But guess what!  I survived!  I am still alive and kicking!  And I didn't kill anyone!  I totally rocked this move.


.

Drugs, Money, and Rock and Roll - Part 2

Check it out!  I finally got around to creating Part 2 of this saga!  Only problem is I didn't take notes or anything, so this might be kinda short.  And most of you probably know this part anyway.

So after I finally get to a fully functional, fairly drug-free state after my nose was broken fixed, I get to start dealing with the next adventure.  April 1st, my husband's company announces massive layoffs and office closures.  April Fools?  Nope.  It wasn't that surprising.  We knew there was a change coming, we just didn't think it was coming so soon and we didn't think it was going to be in the form of the unemployment line. 

Positive - D was already interviewing with many companies.
Negative - We knew we were going to have to move.  Again.  And likely to some place cold.  *cry*

Naturally, the hubby has a hard time deciphering paperwork like Cobra benefits, severance packages, etc.  Luckily, my head was fairly fog-free so I could help with that.  I spent the next week (or was it two?), living day to day, worrying wondering where we would end up living, taking D back and forth to the airport to fly places for interviews, and trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do about school.  Then D got a job!  One he was excited about too!  Bonus!  The destination?  San Francisco.

Positive - Close to my family again and good friends.  Finally, fresh, fantastic sushi, and clam chowder!
Negative - It's FREAKING COLD!  And cloudy.  And windy.  And COLD.  This oughta be fun.

Awesome.  So then we started to contemplate the upcoming changes and where we wanted to live in the San Francisco area.  Time to rock and roll and get this house moved!  In 10 days.  Wait.  WHAT?!?!  10 day?!?!  Aw hell.  I hate having to rush things...

...to be continued in Part 3!


.

And Then He Makes Me Smile

While debating a particularly difficult choice, what kind of pizza to order, I look to my husband for help.  This is what I get. 

Me:  I'm stuck in indecision honey.

Derek:  And then, silently, amber liquid seeped slowly into the room. It slid under door cracks, through the air ducts - no crevice, however small, did not ooze the liquid. By the time the unsuspecting Alicia noticed and tried to decide how to escape, it was too late. She was paralyzed by the indecision honey - and despite the door just a few feet away, she could not use it. No, she COULD use it, if she could just decide to do so.

 My life is anything but boring with him around.  :)


.

I'm all by myself

Today is Wednesday, August 4.  The day my husband leaves me for his first out-of-town work thing for his job.  It is a weird feeling.  Usually it is me that is doing the traveling.  See, for 4 1/2 years, I worked for a university where I traveled 5 times a year.  Granted, they were only overnight trips, but they were still out-of-town.  On top of that, if we aren't traveling together, it is usually me traveling to see my parents or friends.  I usually plan these trips to be too long and end up missing my husband terribly by the end of it.  But since I finally got to join my husband in February after two months apart (a story for another time), we have only been apart twice and that was to help/visit family. 

Now my husband is leaving me for 4 days and I feel pathetic that I already feel lost without him.  Usually, he comes home from work and we catch up on the day, have dinner together, play a game or two, then I do homework.  Even on nights when I have school, I get home, we catch up on the day, and have a snack together before bed.  I get to sleep next to him at night and get fabulous cuddles, and I get to wake up to his cuddles in the morning.  For the next 4 days, I will get none of that.  He may have time to call me to catch up on the day, but that is not guaranteed.  No cuddles.  No dinner together.  And at least until tomorrow night, the house will be horribly or blessedly quiet (I haven't decided which yet) because our roommate is out of town too. 

Well, at least I have plenty of homework to distract me...


.

Weekly Wrap-up

Well, it has been one of those weeks.  You know, the kind that seem to take forever and things keep happening where you think the world is going to come to an end, but then you get to the end of the week and look back, thinking, why was that such a big deal at the time?  Yea.  It was that kind of week.

If you follow me on Facebook, then you know that I have been having issues with my team in class and things finally blew up, literally, on Monday night.  Nothing like a good ol' fashion screaming match almost turned throw down in the middle of class to wake you up.  Ultimately, the problem child was removed from our team and replaced with someone else who seems to get along with us much better.  At the time though, I seriously hoped that the earth would just open up and swallow me so I wouldn't have to deal with the drama.

Then came the medical issues.  I finally got to have the MRI done that was supposed to find the cause of my neuropathy that I had over two weeks ago.  Guess what.  No herniated disks, no pinched nerves.  A whole lotta nothing.  Well, except for the crapload of arthritis that has invaded my back apparently.  Yippee skippy!  So now I need a follow up with the Rheumatologist.  Anyway, I am attributing the "whole lotta nothing" to the fact that the Chiropractor I have been seeing has made all the pain go away so obviously whatever is wrong is no longer "wrong."  Ha!  Right.

Then came the all mighty, all powerful MIGRAINE.  Oh freaking Lord.  Three days of head throbbing, light blinding, murderous pain.  Ever had to wear sunglasses at night?  Like had to wear them.  Yea, that was me.  By the time it finally went away yesterday afternoon, I was ready to throttle someone. 

But there was one really interesting part of the whole week.  Aside from Monday's blowup with Mr. Fantastical Douche Canoe in class, the week really wasn't that bad.  Usually I was in a pretty good mood.  I mean, why shouldn't I be?  I can get out of bed every morning on my own.  I can drive myself to my appointments.  I can shower myself and feed myself.  I can breathe, feel, and function.  And every night, I get to lay down next to the man of my dreams.  How can anything be truly horrible when I have all that?


.

What are you thankful for?

What was your first thought getting out of bed this morning?  Was it something like "Ugh, time to get the kids ready for school." or was it something like "Awesome!  I woke up to another day!  Let's see what fun it brings?"

After a conversation with my mom last night, I got to wondering how many of us wallow in the mundane or bad things in our life.  I know I used to only see the bad.  When you have as many medical issues as I do, with more coming up every day, sometimes it can be hard to see past the pain, discomfort, and disability.  Every day I would wake up thinking how much it sucked that I had to go to work that day, or how horrible my body ached from my RA.  Before my husband, I might think how much I wanted and deserved to have a good guy laying in bed next to me every morning.  Waking up alone sucked.  And when the bipolar gripped me in a major depression, I would curse that fact that I even woke up at all.

But then a few wonderful things happened to me.  I met my husband.  He lit up my world.  The problems didn't go away, in fact some of them got worse, but he always made me laugh no matter how bad I hurt (mentally and physically).  The negative mornings became fewer, but even then I still had days where I would wake up looking at only the bad things, though it happened less often. 

Then another person came into my life.  Or rather, became a part of my life since I had already been working with her for several years.  We became close friends when her husband ended up in ICU and was in the hospital for months.  She changed my perspective as I watched her always have hope while her husband teetered on the edge of life and death.  No matter how scared or frightened she was, she always had hope.  And then there was the joy and love when he finally got to go home.  Going through that experience with her, being there for her and with her, changed me.  It taught me to value life more.  It taught me to value every day, every moment I have on this earth because it could all come to an end unexpectedly. 

Now when I wake up in the morning, it is rarely with disappointment or a negative thought.  I am by no means perfect and do still have my cranky mornings, but they are now few and far between and usually only when severe physical pain is involved. 

This morning my first thought as I felt my arm throbbing in pain was "I am so lucky that I have a husband and roommate that are supporting me through this painful time."  They help me accomplish the daily tasks and chores that need to be done and they make me laugh.  This morning, I was truly grateful to be alive.

So tell me, what are you thankful for today?


.

Learning to Accept Help

In November, I was just starting to get into the blog-o-shere.  I stepped into the shallow end of the pool by reading just one blog, who still remains my favorite, The Bloggess.  I know I talk about her all the time, but I immediately fell in love because she shared my sarcastic, witty, and sometimes demented sense of humor.  It wasn't long before she had me reading all her blogs, including her advice column and satirical sex blog.  Every now and then, my beloved Jenny posts something serious though, and that is how I was introduced to a beautiful family who had gone through so much misfortune, the Mayhews. 

She may not know it, but Anissa and her husband, Peter, have somewhat become idols for me.  For me, it started on their Hope For Peyton blog that turned into a quasi "Hope for Anissa" blog when she had two massive strokes in November.  Jenny had posted the event on her blog and I have been following the Mayhews ever since.  Their strength and love as a family gripped me, and though I never comment much, I love hearing their story because it gives me hope when I am in the pits of mine.  It is because of Peter that I decided to start my own blog.  He needed somewhere he could put his thoughts down and reach out to people as he waited for news on Anissa.  I needed a place to put my thoughts down as I wait for bouts of depression, anxiety, and rheumatoid arthritis to pass.  His words inspired me in the beginning, and now his wife inspires me today. 

As I sit here, unable to use my right arm due to extreme pain from RA and feeling useless and handicapped, I pull up Anissa's Blog and I think, if this amazing woman can come back from two major strokes that should have killed her (according to doctors), and still get up every day for the last 4 months to take care of her three beautiful kids and keep pushing every day to get better, then who the hell am I to sit here and feel sorry for myself because I have been down and non-functional for a whole 3 freaking days. 

But this is the worst flareup I have ever had and I thought I knew some of Anissa's frustration from my past health issues.  Not exactly, but I thought I could understand some of it.  Boy was I wrong.  The pain of the last 3 days have brought on a whole new meaning for me of handicapped and useless.  As I have had to ask my husband to open the milk for me, refill my water bottle, wash my hair, or turn a doorknob because I couldn't grasp it, a new meaning formed.  As I lost use of my right arm because any movement at all, even typing, cause too much pain, a new meaning formed.  As I spend hours typing with one hand, and then lay completely still in bed watching reruns because it's the only thing I can do where I am semi-comfortable, a new meaning formed.  As I burst into tears because I was stupid enough to try reaching behind me to unclasp my own bra, a new meaning formed.  And with this new, deeper meaning of what it is feel handicapped and useless, I bet I still don't even scratch the surface of what so many others go through.

So I will stop feeling sorry for myself, but I will accept my limitations right now.  I can never heal if I don't give my body the break it wants/needs.  I will ask for help unclasping my bra, turning on the shower, washing my hair, and making breakfast.  I will ask for help picking up the laptop so I can write my next blog one-handed or surf Facebook.  But what I most recently learned from Anissa, I will ask for comfort when the reality of the situation overwhelms me and I feel like my world is crashing down.  I will reach out to my friends and family and ask for that gentle hug and "poor baby" to get me through the next minute, hour, or day.  Because sometimes, comfort is the most important help you need.



.

Evil Has Wings...and a Black, Shiny Shell

So every night, just before bed, I take the dogs out to do their business.  Usually this ends up being somewhere between 11pm and midnight.  Well last night, I had the dickens scared out of me, not that I know what "dickens" are.  As we walk down the stairs from the third floor, I see this huge black spot on the wall of the second floor walkway.  Sara, one of the dogs, saw it too and naturally wanted to try to eat it or play with it.  Upon slightly closer inspection, I saw it was this freaking ginormous bug!  Fearing it might carry my dog away into the night with its hunormous wings, we quickly walked away from it to the dog park for them to do their business.

After we got back inside, I quickly grabbed my camera, hoping the monster was still there so I could capture its soul.  Now mind you, I lived in Texas for 5 years, so you would think I was used to huge bugs.  I have seen cicadas that are the size of a golf ball, ants the size of my big toe, and crickets the size of my thumb, but never in my life had I seen a bug this large or this black.

Oh.  My.  GOD!  It's huge, it's jet black, it looks like it has this massive armored shell, and I sure as hell bet it can fly.  Oh Lord please don't let it fly in my face as I try to take this picture.  Or this picture:

But then I got to thinking that these pictures won't do it justice as to how big this thing is.  Oh Lord, please don't let this thing bite my hand off even though it is like a mile away from the bug:

This thing is seriously half the size of my hand, if not more.  It could probably eat my thumb in one bite.  This is freaking unnatural.  And then my husband, who followed me out to look at it, was so kind to tell me that this thing would crawl in our window if we left it open at night.  What. The. Hell.

And if that does happen, it will be my husband who gets sacrificed to the evil, demon beetle from hell.  After all, he is the one who ensured I had nightmares about it last night.

P.S.  If you want to know what kind of bug it is, after much Google searching and photo comparison, I have decided it is a Paloverde Root Borer.  Apparently they are very common here in Tucson as the monsoons approach.  And here you will see someone in the third picture who is crazy enough to actually hold this creepy ass thing.


.

Battle With the Sandman. Ouch. I Lost....Again.

So the last couple of weeks I have been fighting insomnia.  I am told it is something that often accompanies bipolar disorder.  It is a fact of my life.  It comes and goes.  Right now, it has returned for a visit and is showing no signs of returning from whence it came.  At first, it was just a matter of pride as I lay there thinking "I refuse to get up because I am not asleep yet.  I don't care if I have been laying here for three hours.  I. Will. Not. Get. Up."  And so I would lay there in bed, staring at the wall or the back of my eyelids, trying to make my mind go blank so I can bore myself to sleep until finally, somewhere around 5 or 6 am, I dose off, only to be woken a couple hours later by my husband's alarm clock saying it's 8am. 

"That's ok," I think.  "I can sleep in a little."  After all, I don't work so I don't have anything to do, right?  Yea.  Right.  Just when I start to dose off again (8:45-ish), my husband comes in and kisses me goodbye because he knows I freak out if I don't know when he is leaving.  I am now awake again and have to start this process all over.  At some point I dose off...again...and I sleep 'til around 10 when I wake up because the dog scratched herself and made her tags jingle.  I feel a little guilty because it already starts to feel like I am sleeping too late, but I talk myself into trying to go back to sleep because, again, I don't work so I don't have anything to do, right? 

Usually by this point I am exhausted so I fall asleep again almost immediately.  I wake up again around 11:30 or 11:45, and now I panic.  Holy crap.  I can't believe I let myself sleep half the day away!  What was I thinking?!  I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!!  And this is the point where I attempt to "spring" out of bed but it really ends up being this awkward stumbling in an attempt to get my legs functioning while not stepping on the dog and everything is a little fuzzy and hazy because I only got maybe 3 hours of truly restful, rejuvenating sleep. I then spend the rest of the day vaguely attempting to complete the tasks that seem so numerous, yet I usually only manage to get one, maaaaaaaybe two done.

Rinse, repeat.

Before you say anything about going to the doctor for help, yes, I have a prescription sleep aid that actually works really, really well.  The problem is that at some point this process went from pride to stubbornness.  As you may or may not know, my husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  We have been trying for quite some time actually.  In this process, I have either cut back or cut out any medication I can possible live without, without causing too much discomfort, ok, pain, in my life.  This includes the sleep aid.  So when I went from pride to stubbornness, my mind thinks, "Screw you insomnia!  I will not have you screw up my future child just because you don't feel like letting me sleep.  SCREW. YOU!"  But you see, insomnia doesn't have feeeeeelings.  It doesn't care when you yell at it.  It is relentless.  It is this mindless, feelingless thing that doesn't care what you say or do.  If conditions are not just right, forget it.  You aren't sleeping. 

Well finally the sleepless nights built on each other for so long that I finally broke down and took the damn sleep aid.  OH. MY. GOD.  I slept so well that I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.  The next day, that "spring" out of bed, really was a spring and I had the most productive day in a couple weeks.  But then the night came again.  I decided one more night of sleep aid can't be too horrible, so I popped another and once again, slept like a baby. 

Now it has been 3 nights of sleep aid and the figurative voice in my head is starting to get to me.  I know tonight is going to be another sleepless night.  I can feel it.  I should probably take another pill since these bouts usually last 2 or 3 weeks for me.  Yet, the voice keeps chastising me.  How could you put your possibly future child at risk like this?  Then the other side argues back how a mother who is not healthy or rested is no good to her child anyway.  Then the voice again - but what about side effects it could have on the child?  Then the other side - you have been told this sleep aid doesn't have huge risks like others.  Yes, there are risks, but not like really, really, bad and highly likely ones. 

And so the argument continues, but I know what side will ultimately win.  I will go to bed in hopes that the sandman will be kind to me tonight but knowing he will not.  I will lay in bed awake while my husband sleeps peacefully next to me.  Finally, 2 or 3 will roll around and I will give in and take a pill because I have appointments I have to actually be functional for.  But tomorrow night, I will deny myself the help simply because I will not have any appointments  and after all, I don't work so I don't have anything to do, right? 

Yea. 

Right.

.

"My diaper is full"

So the hubby and I are watching TV last night, live TV, which is unusual for us because I hate, hate, HATE watching commercials.  Why do I had commercials?  Become you inevitably come across ones like this that make you think...WHAT.  THE.  HELL?



Like....wow...."I poo in blue."  I feel sorry for the guy who had to read those lines.  But just in case you think they are totally cool and frequently let your child run around without pants, here is the official webpage for more information on these "limited edition" diapers.  Enjoy...I think...


.

When Life Gives You Oranges...

...then life is pretty darn sweet right now cause you can make lots of orange juice!  Ok, cheesy, but whatever.

So I have been scarce in posting lately but the words just have not been coming to me.  I started school a couple weeks ago so by the time I finish homework, I want to spend time with the hubby and animals.  By the time I finish spending time with the hubby and animals, my brain is fried and cannot come up with comprehensible sentences.

Lucky for me though, I don't have to have comprehensible sentences in order to see that life is pretty freaking good for me right now.  In the last month or so, I have managed to make it back to Cali to visit all my sorely missed friends and family, finished getting myself established with new doctors here in Arizona, moved from a 1 bedroom to a 2 bedroom, and finally started school.  We had one little setback when the cat decided to go on a hunger strike, but she is over it now and eating like a champ.  My hubby is still in love with his job and getting some nice perks we didn't know about and we are well on our way to saving up a down payment for a house.  All in all, I had to find my shades cause life is looking pretty bright. 

The only thing that could possibly make life any better right this second, is if I could figure out how to juice these damn oranges without a juicer.

.

The Small Stuff

It has been a few days since I posted, which I guess is nothing too unusual in the blogging world, but I feel disconnected now.  Things have just been a bit busy until today, yet last night and today serve as reminders to me that yes, sometimes the "small stuff" really does matter.

First, I was reminded last night to cherish the small stuff.  I have been feeling a bit stir-crazy the last couple days despite being "busy" running errands and attending various doctor and gym appointments.  The funny thing about those things is that I just don't feel fulfilled when those are completed.  Maybe it is because I don't have anything solid that I can hold in my hands afterwards except for a recommendation to have my nose broken to correct a deviated septum.  Maybe it is because it doesn't feel like any of it really affects the world as a whole like working did.  Either way, I was left feeling unaccomplished. 

My solution, informing my husband last minute that it was going to be date night.  hehe.  As you can imagine, his reaction was a tentative "um....ok?"  The impromptu date turned out fabulous and here we get back to how I was reminded to cherish the small stuff.  Dinner was great of course (greek food...so yummy), but it was the after dinner party that was so great.  We spent the next 3 hours playing ping pong and board/card games.  Cheap, yes, but so much more fulfilling then paying $20+ for a movie or something equally uninvolved.  I have not experienced anything in the last few weeks that was more fulfilling then running around a small room, running into walls, and collapsing on the floor in laughter with a paddle and ping pong ball, all in an attempt to look like I actually know what I am doing to my husband who has his own freaking custom ping pong paddle.  It was a blast.  It was a small thing in the scope of life, but it was so big to rejuvenating my spirit.

Second, I was reminded today how sweating the small stuff ahead of time leads to less stress later.  How, you ask?  Quite simple.  It was a bad arthritis day.  Stiff, painful joints + extreme fatigue = a day of sitting on the couch attempting not to move.  The never-ending question is always was triggered it this time?  I am used to cause and affect and still grasping the fact that sometimes, RA will flare with no cause at all.  Annoying.  Yet I had accomplished my "small stuff" earlier in the week so I didn't feel like the house was going to shambles because I spent a day on the couch.  There is a reason I sweat the small stuff when I am up and able-bodied -- so that I can relax when my body needs me to without worries. 

So while in some people's lives "Don't sweat the small stuff" is an excellent motto, sometimes, just the opposite is most effective.