Sunday, October 23, 2011

Doing What Makes ME Happy!

For a long time, I just went along with whatever other people wanted to do.  If my friends wanted to stay up and party til the sun came up even though I was tired and wanted to sleep, ok!  If everyone wanted to stay in even though I wanted to go out, ok!  If someone wanted me to take them somewhere and I didn't feel like going anywhere, I would do it anyway!

So recently, I decided to do the things that I wanted.  Instead of pushing aside MY wants and needs, I have been respecting myself enough to say no when I want to say no and say yes when I want to say yes.  The problem is a few of my friends have had a hard time with this transition.  They think I don't like them anymore just cause I am tired and decide to go home instead of staying out til the wee-morning hours.  They think I only hang around for food or some stupid thing like that because I say I don't feel like doing something or going somewhere.  Frankly, it is frustrating!

But I realize it is a transition.  No one is used to me looking out for me.  They are used to me looking out for everyone else.  So here is this blog post - a note to those who think I am not happy with them, don't want to hang out with them, don't want to be their friend, or anything else completely silly like that.  Guess what.  I still like you.  I'm not going anywhere.  I will still support my friends no matter what.  Deal with it.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Silent Suffering is so Damn Sexy!

I am so tired of this!  For the last 3 weeks, it has been a near constant onslaught of pain, illness, or discomfort.  I've had rheumatic flares, some sort of stomach virus, migraines, depression, random sharp pains, and now my stomach is pissed off...again!  I get the right amount of sleep, but I am exhausted just hours after I wake up and feel like I need a nap.  School starts again in just a couple days and I have no motivation to accomplish anything.

Perhaps the worst part is that no one knows what I am going through right now because I have this ridiculous belief in my head that I need to be the tough one.  I can't show my pain and sadness.  I take care of everyone else when they are sick or hurting and I suffer in silence because I don't want to be a burden on anyone.  And I know several of my friends will read this and then I will get chastised for not saying anything, but I can't ever seem to say the words out loud.  I need help.  Just a shoulder.  Just a support.  And blogging is as close as I ever seem to come to sharing my struggles with the world.

All I want to do is lay in bed, nurse my aches and pains, and cry.  It would be nice to have someone just hold me and comfort me, but my husband is 950 miles away.  Can I just put life on pause for a few days so I can try to get some relief and comfort?  But that is not possible.  And in the time it has taken me to write this blog post, it is now time for me to get to work once again.  There are classes to observe and homework to be done.  Here is to another day of putting off being weak.