Monday, February 17, 2014

Even the Strongest Feel Weak Sometimes

I'm a pretty strong person.  I have had a life where I have been beaten down, trampled over, injured, deathly ill, and mentally scrambled.  Through illness and injury, I have persevered.  I have pushed through and come out the other side of my experiences stronger and wiser.  I am confident that I can make it through just about anything.  But even the strongest people feel weak at times.

Today, I am weak emotionally.  For more than 6 weeks now, I have been fighting a massive sinus infection that just will not go away.  I have dealt with migraine after migraine, several rounds of antibiotics and steroids, CT scans, blood work, exhaustion, and still trying to work and get my business off the ground.  The longer it continues, the more likely surgery will be needed to clear the infection out.  Quite honestly though, I would welcome it.

Over the weekend, the infection made its way into my chest and bronchitis is setting in: the figurative straw that broke the camel's back.  I don't look sick, only tired.  I don't sound sick (aside from the cough), just sad.   But I am sick and I am tired and sad.  Weeks of fighting this illness has left me short on spoons with nothing left in reserves and I still have another 2 weeks before I can see the specialist.  The frustration and annoyance has compounded into an overall feeling of disappointment and feeling of hopelessness, that I will never be healthy again.

Before you freak out, yes, I know this is not true, but our emotions do not always follow our knowledge.  I know health will come again and I will ignore the lies that my bipolar can tell me, but the feelings are still there and need to be acknowledged.  Denying those feelings only make things worse.  So today, I acknowledge my feeling of weakness.  I acknowledge my desire of having someone just hold me and take care of me for a few days so I don't have to think about all the things I want to be accomplishing and can't.

I accept that I must take care of myself first, but that doesn't mean that I won't feel the frustration and disappointment of wanting to take care of those around me.  So this is me asking for help from my family and friends, if you have a few minutes, drop me a message, give me a ring, or stop by my house to visit.  Distract me from the disappointment of being ill.  Tell me about your day or a funny joke.  Run your big ideas by me so I have something else to ruminate on instead of feeling crappy.  If you can spare it, run an errand for me or drop off a side dish for dinner so I don't feel quite so guilty for not being able to care for my family as I would like.  Forgive me if I sound down in the dumps and understand that I am doing the best I can.  Sometimes, we just need a little helping hand.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Gophers, and Moles, and Mice. Oh my!

So we have a huge gopher problem.  This neighborhood is absolutely infested with them and there are hundreds of holes between our yard and the neighbor's yard.  We have tried baiting them, but it just doesn't take care of the problem and I worry about other animals being poisoned should they eat a poisoned gopher.  A quick Google search turned up an alternative:  Barn Owls.

Apparently, one barn owl pair can consume up to 2000 rodents in a single year.  Hell yea!  But to buy the premade boxes is not cheap.  After some research, there are tons of plans online to build your own barn owl box for minimal cost.  Yea baby!  So I believe one of my next projects will be building and installing one of these boxes.  I am totally excited about this prospect.  Besides, who wouldn't want to see cute little owlets growing up?

What are gopher solutions you have tried and how successful were they?

Whoooo are yoooou?
Nom nom nom.  Tasty gopher.
What you lookin at?

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Dream Big

I've got big dreams.  Huge even.  They are so big that sometimes I actually fear their success.  But this is a demon I am learning to tame.  I am learning to stop focusing on the bad things that *could* happen, and instead, focus on what I want to happen.

See, my dad is always giving me and my hubby stuff that he thinks will help us in some way or another.  Books on healthy eating, advice from Dr. Oz, financial articles to read, etc.  This time, he gave me a book.  In the past, I would have conveniently not found time to read it.  But this time, I figured why not.  My dad is trying to help me and pass knowledge to me.  I should honor him by checking it out.  What I found was an incredibly inspiring story, captivating words, and focus.

The brain is a powerful thing.  What we focus our thoughts on influences what happens in our future.  We may think about what we don't want to happen, but that only puts that at the front of our mind so it is all we find.  This goes back to the saying "Don't think about a red hammer."  And what were you just thinking about?  A red hammer.  Instead, focus on what you want.

This is when my dreams started looking achievable.  I am learning to build focus on what I want my life to look like.  When I picture my life now, I zoom in on the details while maintaining view of my life as a whole.  I can see part of my business incredibly clear now.  I can picture exactly what I am doing in that moment in time and really feel my emotions of the time.  Joy.  Contentment.  Love.  As I wind down for the night and settle into bed, I picture what I want the next day to look like as if it is a guarantee that it will happen.  It may be coincidence, but it has been pretty darn accurate.  Even when the day did not go as well as I had desired, when I honestly reflected, I realized I spent too much of the previous night worrying instead of focusing on what I want to happen.   Thoughts have power.  In the words of Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right."

What are your dreams?  What do you want your future to look like?  Are you focusing on that future or on everything that could prevent that future from happening?

*If you are interested in reading the book I am currently reading, it is called "The Answer" by John Assaraf and Murray Smith.