Live In The Moment. Don't Let Your Camera Rob You.

Cameras.  I have a love/hate relationship with them.  Cameras are a great invention that helps us capture precious moments and save memories, but since the advent of phone cameras, they have taken a sad turn.  Cameras have become so prevalent that people often miss "the moment."  Now, people are using their cameras (phone or otherwise) to take a picture of everything.  No matter what is going on, someone just HAS to take a "selfie."  People are so busy taking pictures that they have put a barrier between themselves and actually feeling what is going on around them.  They are no longer living in the moment and being a part of it, but recording it without any emotional attachment to it.

What is the point of recording it if it will not touch you deeply when you later reflect on it.  Better yet, if you take so many pictures, will you even look at those pictures again?  I know some people who have literally tens of thousands of pictures.  Will you even take the time to reflect on those experiences you so meticulously recorded?  Will you even remember what was happening around you when you look that picture?

I am not saying that cameras should be done away with.  I believe cameras can be a very valuable tool.  Instead, use discretion.  If you travel with me or check something new out with me, you will rarely see me take pictures.  I am picky about when I take a photo.  Instead of being trapped behind a screen, I want to feel, see, hear, touch, and be one with what is going on around me.  I want to be fully invested in the experience rather than worrying about tool.  I don't want to miss a thing.  I want to feel the energy of my surroundings pulse through me and let awe overtake me.  These experiences are then burned into my memory.  Only if I find something particularly fascinating will I take a photo.  For me to take a photo is to memorialize an experience.  It only takes one photo to bring a flood of memories and feelings back to me, allowing me to bask in the feelings and experiences once again.  I don't need to record every second and my life is fuller because of it.

Do you have a camera addiction?  I challenge you to become more selective with your pictures and let yourself live in the moment, rather than recording it.

Taking a Moment to Feel

This last week has been rough on me and my body.  Selling a house as fast as possible requires a lot of work.  Every day this week, I have woken up and hit the ground running.  The amount of stuff we accomplished this week feels unbelievable, but we did it.  The house is sparkling, bright, and open.  It went on the market yesterday.  And after a week of moving furniture, packing boxes, pulling weeds, fixing a few things around the house, painting, tutoring/working, and telling all my students and their families that I am moving, I am absolutely exhausted.

Physically, everything hurts and is sore.  I have bruises all over and my joints ache.  The funny part though is that it feels good.  It feels good that my body is well enough to accomplish all those tasks.  It feels good to know I have the resources and capacity to pull off the seemingly impossible feat.  But that feeling becomes bittersweet when I think about how much I love this house.  It is sad to think that we won't be here for much longer.  We had always intended on going back to Tucson, and I am excited for the new adventure, but we had planned to raise our future children in this house.  The picture was so clear, but the scenery now has to change.

So tonight, I am taking a moment to feel.  To feel the excitement and the loss, the joy and the sadness, the relief and the frustration, and all the other emotions that come with a major life course alteration.  Tonight, I am taking a moment to reflect on me.

Rolling With the Punches

Oh my goodness!  The last two weeks have been so very rough on us.  So this is my post to catch everyone up on what the deal is.

2 weeks ago, my husband went into work to find out that the company had lost their funding suddenly and had to close its doors...immediately.  The unexpected layoff left everyone in shock.  There was panic, fear, tears, sadness, and mourning over the loss of such a wonderful company.  The following days involved D and I going through all of our options and weighing each one carefully, but one thing was certain - we could not afford our house without D working.  We had a HUGE budget deficit and we needed to stop the bleeding as fast as possible.  Luckily, we are blessed to have a ton of options and enough savings to get us through a couple months.

And here is the decision.  We are moving back to Tucson.  Tucson is hurting for math and science teachers so the job market is ripe for me to gain quick employment, something that I have been unable to do here in San Diego.  In addition, the cost of living there is low enough that we can afford it on my salary alone.  That isn't even taking into account how much healthier I am there!

Although we are confident in our decision, there are several things making this move a challenge.  First, there is the sadness in telling my students and their families that we are moving and I will no longer be able to work with them.  These kids are amazing and I will miss them dearly.  Then there is my sinus surgery coming up next week.  Ever tried selling a house while recovering from surgery?  Yea.  That should be interesting.  Then, there is moving away from family who is just getting used to having me close by - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins.  Finally, there is trying to coordinate interviews when you don't even live in your destination city yet.  Well, if nothing else, we are keeping life interesting!

As Rodney Atkins tells us, "If you're going through hell, keep on going.  Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it.  You might get out before the devil even knows you're there."

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Laugh

Life has a sick sense of humor sometimes, but we have a choice on how to react to it.  We can either curse it, yell, scream, cry, bitch, and moan, or we can choose a healthier path for our soul of laughter and rolling with the punches.  The immediate reaction is not what is important.  Our instincts kick in almost immediately with a reaction of fear, anger, sadness, or excitement.  What is important is our conscious action after we move past the initial shock.

Last week I posted about big decisions we were making and the dreams and goals surrounding them.  Little did I know, my husband was being informed at that same moment that he no longer had a job.  The startup company he was working for lost funding and shut down, laying off everyone.  I can only imagine the things going through my husband's head as he read my blog post that day.

I freely admit that when he told me that night, my heart plummeted and a small panic started in my gut.  Me being the highly emotional person I am, I was quite proud of myself for not letting that panic take over though.  There were some tears later, but I ultimately woke up the next morning ready to face this new challenge head on.  Crying, worrying, and holding on to anger or disappointment solves nothing.  Instead, careful analysis of the situation, running numbers, amassing options, and exploring creative solutions will get us through this.  Let's see where life takes us this time!

Much love!

P.S.  If you know of any designer positions with a gaming company or middle school math/science teaching positions open, let us know!

Oh the Places You'll Go!

Clearly I am not very good at keeping up with this blogging thing, but for those who still read, thank you!  And since you have been so dedicated, you get to see some amazing things coming up!

When we are kids, we often have big dreams and visions.  We imagine going to space, starting our own business, swimming with dolphins, curing cancer, being a rodeo clown, building something from scratch, and so much more.  Somewhere along the "growing up" cycle, we lose a lot of these dreams and visions.  We forget how to imagine the seemingly impossible.  So many fantastic ideas perish at the hand of adulthood, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Obviously one of my biggest projects is starting my own school.  I envision a small school that serves the needs of all its students.  Curriculum slows down or speeds up according to the student's skills and development.  Concepts are taught in a variety of ways to make the information accessible to all.  Life skills are incorporated throughout the skill career so that students learn to teach themselves and develop the skills needed to work through life after the "teacher" is gone.  All of this is wrapped up with real-world incorporation from business professionals who partner with the school to provide knowledge, experience, internships, observations, scenarios, and vision for the future.  Some of the largest strides in society have come from our youngest people.  The goal is to have my school open and accepting students by the summer, and already the interest is high!

As if creating this utopia of a school isn't enough, we have also been fumbling our way through the adoption process.  False starts and changes in course have altered our plans many times, but it feels like we are finally on the right track now.  It has been emotionally and financially taxing, but the experience is and will be worth it.  As we continue with the adoption process though, we have also found another option.  Our insurance covers infertility!  We will be beginning our conception journey at the same time as our adoption journey.  All of this comes together right after my sinus surgery in mid-April.

I know.  It sounds like a lot to accomplish in just a few months.  It also sounds like I am going to overwhelm myself when it is all written out, but here is the amazing part:  For the first time in my life, I feel like everything is exactly how it needs to be for success and I feel very little stress over the whole process.  I have faith in myself and in my spirituality.  I know that faith will carry me through to fulfillment of my dreams.  I know it may not be pretty, but everything will get done exactly as it needs to.  I can see it all so clearly that it already exists.  These dreams, goals, visions, or whatever you want to call them, they are me.  It feels like I found a huge piece of me that I didn't even know was lost.  I feel these are my missing puzzle pieces that I have found.

Now watch  me as I finish the picture...

Even the Strongest Feel Weak Sometimes

I'm a pretty strong person.  I have had a life where I have been beaten down, trampled over, injured, deathly ill, and mentally scrambled.  Through illness and injury, I have persevered.  I have pushed through and come out the other side of my experiences stronger and wiser.  I am confident that I can make it through just about anything.  But even the strongest people feel weak at times.

Today, I am weak emotionally.  For more than 6 weeks now, I have been fighting a massive sinus infection that just will not go away.  I have dealt with migraine after migraine, several rounds of antibiotics and steroids, CT scans, blood work, exhaustion, and still trying to work and get my business off the ground.  The longer it continues, the more likely surgery will be needed to clear the infection out.  Quite honestly though, I would welcome it.

Over the weekend, the infection made its way into my chest and bronchitis is setting in: the figurative straw that broke the camel's back.  I don't look sick, only tired.  I don't sound sick (aside from the cough), just sad.   But I am sick and I am tired and sad.  Weeks of fighting this illness has left me short on spoons with nothing left in reserves and I still have another 2 weeks before I can see the specialist.  The frustration and annoyance has compounded into an overall feeling of disappointment and feeling of hopelessness, that I will never be healthy again.

Before you freak out, yes, I know this is not true, but our emotions do not always follow our knowledge.  I know health will come again and I will ignore the lies that my bipolar can tell me, but the feelings are still there and need to be acknowledged.  Denying those feelings only make things worse.  So today, I acknowledge my feeling of weakness.  I acknowledge my desire of having someone just hold me and take care of me for a few days so I don't have to think about all the things I want to be accomplishing and can't.

I accept that I must take care of myself first, but that doesn't mean that I won't feel the frustration and disappointment of wanting to take care of those around me.  So this is me asking for help from my family and friends, if you have a few minutes, drop me a message, give me a ring, or stop by my house to visit.  Distract me from the disappointment of being ill.  Tell me about your day or a funny joke.  Run your big ideas by me so I have something else to ruminate on instead of feeling crappy.  If you can spare it, run an errand for me or drop off a side dish for dinner so I don't feel quite so guilty for not being able to care for my family as I would like.  Forgive me if I sound down in the dumps and understand that I am doing the best I can.  Sometimes, we just need a little helping hand.

Gophers, and Moles, and Mice. Oh my!

So we have a huge gopher problem.  This neighborhood is absolutely infested with them and there are hundreds of holes between our yard and the neighbor's yard.  We have tried baiting them, but it just doesn't take care of the problem and I worry about other animals being poisoned should they eat a poisoned gopher.  A quick Google search turned up an alternative:  Barn Owls.

Apparently, one barn owl pair can consume up to 2000 rodents in a single year.  Hell yea!  But to buy the premade boxes is not cheap.  After some research, there are tons of plans online to build your own barn owl box for minimal cost.  Yea baby!  So I believe one of my next projects will be building and installing one of these boxes.  I am totally excited about this prospect.  Besides, who wouldn't want to see cute little owlets growing up?

What are gopher solutions you have tried and how successful were they?

Whoooo are yoooou?

Nom nom nom.  Tasty gopher.

What you lookin at?

Dream Big

I've got big dreams.  Huge even.  They are so big that sometimes I actually fear their success.  But this is a demon I am learning to tame.  I am learning to stop focusing on the bad things that *could* happen, and instead, focus on what I want to happen.

See, my dad is always giving me and my hubby stuff that he thinks will help us in some way or another.  Books on healthy eating, advice from Dr. Oz, financial articles to read, etc.  This time, he gave me a book.  In the past, I would have conveniently not found time to read it.  But this time, I figured why not.  My dad is trying to help me and pass knowledge to me.  I should honor him by checking it out.  What I found was an incredibly inspiring story, captivating words, and focus.

The brain is a powerful thing.  What we focus our thoughts on influences what happens in our future.  We may think about what we don't want to happen, but that only puts that at the front of our mind so it is all we find.  This goes back to the saying "Don't think about a red hammer."  And what were you just thinking about?  A red hammer.  Instead, focus on what you want.

This is when my dreams started looking achievable.  I am learning to build focus on what I want my life to look like.  When I picture my life now, I zoom in on the details while maintaining view of my life as a whole.  I can see part of my business incredibly clear now.  I can picture exactly what I am doing in that moment in time and really feel my emotions of the time.  Joy.  Contentment.  Love.  As I wind down for the night and settle into bed, I picture what I want the next day to look like as if it is a guarantee that it will happen.  It may be coincidence, but it has been pretty darn accurate.  Even when the day did not go as well as I had desired, when I honestly reflected, I realized I spent too much of the previous night worrying instead of focusing on what I want to happen.   Thoughts have power.  In the words of Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right."

What are your dreams?  What do you want your future to look like?  Are you focusing on that future or on everything that could prevent that future from happening?

*If you are interested in reading the book I am currently reading, it is called "The Answer" by John Assaraf and Murray Smith.

This Is Me, Take It or Leave It

Caution:  This may confuse the hell of out you.  Welcome to my spinning stream of consciousness.  Have fun!

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Someone asked me the other day why I write this blog.  Honestly, there is no simple, single answer.  This blog exists for several reasons.  The first reason I began it was to show the world that not all people who have Bipolar Disorder are maniacs who go shooting up malls and schools.  There are thousands of us who seek treatment for our disorder and lead healthy, productive lives, yet people shy away from us when they find out we have a "mental illness."  But this blog has turned into much more. 

Sometimes, it is my sounding board; my place to vent when everything seems to be going against me.  Other times, I use it to announce to the world something that just blew my mind!  There are days when I feel like all I can do is help people, so I share some of that information and tips on here as well.  And finally, it is also partly my diary.  

When I write here, I am both writing to you, my audience, but also to myself.  For better or worse, I put myself out here for learning.  I want my readers to learn to see beyond the stereotypes, beyond your own fears, beyond insecurities, and open up to another view.  So many people see things only one way in this world, and they forget that there are thousands, even millions, of different aspects to any situation.  Don't assume that your way is the only correct way.  

Anyway, I am getting off track.  What I want you to know is that when I write here, this is me and what I tell you comes from my heart.  Sometimes I am crass, but can't we all be sometimes?  Sometimes I am all pixies and rainbows!  Isn't that nice?  And sometimes I am so far down that I can't even see that the sky is blue anymore.  What you "see" is what you get.  You get to witness a small part of my mind that gives hints to how I think, react, feel.  

Heck, you might even get to "watch" me work through a revelation or idea.  Like right now, I am questioning why I am writing this post?  Do I feel like I need to validate myself?  Do I have to explain what I write?  I shouldn't have to.  It should be implied that these are my thoughts and experiences.  On one hand, I don't want to care what you think about me or any of that, but on the other hand, I have times where I really hope you won't judge me.  I have reasons for my actions, feelings, opinions.  Rather than jumping to conclusions, engage me in conversation.  Ask me.  I will answer nearly anything.  You may be shocked at what I would answer. 

Bah!  And there my mind goes again.  I'm good at tangents.  Long story short, this is me.  Take it or leave it. 

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And this is where I went back to the top to put a caution label on this post.  Ha!  I wanna keep writing and sharing.  Feel free to stop reading at any time. 

So this is really late at night, Sunday morning.  I have been "sick" for 10 days.  I put sick in quotes because I haven't really felt "sick" by the usual definition.  No.  What I have had for the last 10 days is this insanely horrible headache.  It was so bad at times I could not see anything but fuzz.  I also was sleeping 12-14 hours a day and still needed a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon.  Now luckily, the last two days have brought some relief.  My energy is finally coming back, though slowly.  I wake up rested now after 9 or 10 hours and I can  though I find myself tired in the afternoon, I can still function.  The headache has receded significantly in the last 2 days and now it is coming and going instead of constant.  When it is present, I can function through it. 

And you know what?  The docs still don't know what the heck is/was wrong with me.  Yea, they don't know.  I had a CT scan, an EKG, and some bloodwork done.  All came back acceptable. All they have been able to tell me inflammation of my left sinuses.  Well, no shit Sherlock.  I have allergies and they have been bad lately!  But why?  Why am I still having these problems when I am on allergy shots, have a nasal spray, AND take Zyrtek daily?  /rant end

But now, after 10 days, my mood is seriously starting to suffer.  I feel the walls closing in, feeling more like a cage rather than a shelter.  Trying to stay positive while feeling miserable is exhausting.  I don't have the energy to fight it anymore right now.  Hopefully I can have some energy soon to take me out of the house for something fun, not just the necessities like grocery shopping and the pharmacy.  

I need some fun soon or this hole is gonna be tough to crawl out of. 

As One Story Ends, Another Begins in 2014!

Here we are ladies and gents.  New Year's Eve, 2013.  For many, this is a time of reflection on the year past, while others focus on the year to come.  I prefer to do both.

Looking back on 2013 requires revisiting both the bad times and the good.  It was my first full year in San Diego.  The holiday season of 2012 came at the same time as my move to San Diego, making the start of my life here very turbulent.  To say the least, I was utterly miserable at the beginning of 2013.  I was exhausted from school, from student teaching, from hosting holiday dinners and traveling for others.  My poor health management caught up with me and I came down with a nasty bug that felt like it was the end.  I had no friends here, no job, and no motivation.  After living on my own for 18 months, I had to acclimate to sharing my living space with my husband again.  It wasn't just my way anymore.  I had to consider someone else again.  It was a rough adjustment.

Somehow though, that low point merely acted as a springboard for a phenomenal year.  My incredibly patient and loving husband did not fret when my moods were all over the place.  Never one did he falter in his support.  When I finally figured out what I thought I needed to improve the situation, he did not hesitate to help make it happen.  He was there holding my hand the whole time.

As I navigated this new territory, I found myself as a long-term substitute.  Although the experience was challenging beyond imagination, it was also extremely rewarding.  However, the job had to come to an end.  I continued to substitute with various schools and tutor on the side.  I met amazing people and fostered valuable network connections.  Yet I still felt disconnected from the life I was living.

I found myself traveling, a lot.  Traveling  is not a bad thing.  In fact, it is amazing if done for the right reasons.  My best friend helped me realize I was not helping myself though.  My travels weren't just for vacation and to visit friends.  My travels were more about me running away to more comfortable situations than trying to build my life in San Diego.  I realized if I was ever going to be happy here, I needed to dig in and make it happen.

Then came kickball.  I never thought that a schoolyard game could change my life, my outlook.  Kickball filled that vital piece I needed to grow...friendship and community.  I had a reason to leave the house.  I had people to celebrate accomplishments with.  I made some wonderful friends.  I didn't feel so alone and isolated anymore, and this gave me strength to launch into the world here.  Even when things were rough, I had people I could call on now.

Now, I have opportunities to give back to my community and charity.  My tutoring business has continued to grow and my network grows more every day.  As 2013 comes to a close, 2014 is shining bright ahead.  My chapter of emotional struggle is giving way to a chapter of motivation and determination.  This new chapter will bring many challenges as I work to start my new school, increase my fitness, and continue improving my diet and overall being.  I look forward to more opportunities to give back to my community and neighbors.  And hopefully, I look forward to welcoming a child into our home.

2013, Thank you for the lessons you taught me and the strength you built in me, but our time is now down.  2014, Bring it on!

Straight to the Point or Clarity?

As I am responding to emails, chatting with friends, and perusing through Facebook, a thought crosses my mind that *insertname* types way to much.  Just get to the point.  I don't need all the details.  Then, just a couple minutes later, I stop myself as I am typing a response to someone.  I begin to question myself: Do I type too much?  Should I be more straight to the point?  But I feel this information is important to understand what I am saying.  But what if it isn't?  What if my reader sits on the other side of this screening thinking, "Get to the point!"?

Perhaps, when we are beating around the bush, we are simply trying to buy ourselves time.  We could be buying time for any number of reasons, but either way, we are trying to put off the inevitable.  Staying in that sense of limbo, never having to learn what the response will be to your statement or question. Right now, I sit in that very spot.  I have news that I want to share, but I fear the response.  I obviously fear the response of negativity, but I also fear the positive.  If I am supported, it would be even more humiliating if this project did not go as planned, I stumbled or failed.

For better or worse, I can be extremely sensitive and take comments to heart that shouldn't matter in the scheme of things.  There are soooooooo many things that could go wrong and I have never tried something like this before.  As the people of Oz would say, this is "a horse of a different color."  Quite frankly, I am elated and absolutely terrified at the same time. It has me wanting to bolt forward with confidence and excitement, while also wanting to say "Oh, HELL no!" and running away.  Do I take the risk?  Do I share this new, little seedling with the world, or do I let it grow a bit before bringing it out into the elements?  There is no obvious answer.

So now, I have decided to have confidence in myself.  I will make this work.  If I don't have faith in myself, how can others have faith in me?  Have confidence in my product?  So now I will get to the point.

I am a teacher and a damn fine one. I have found so much joy in my work that I have decided to take this to the next level.  I am creating my own school and tutoring center.  I'm building a freakin' business y'all!!!!!

It's Christmas! Flashback Cafe Style

As I begin this post, it is 10:20 pm in California on Christmas Eve.  I am lying here in bed, looking forward to the day ahead, and I begin picturing Christmases past.  Some are just little moments in time, while other recollections are long and elaborate.  These are some of my favorites:

The first one that comes to me takes place when I was a kid. We had Oma at our house for Christmas.  We began a game of Monopoly that went on for three days!  It was cutthroat mayhem!  Adults selling privileges, children selling chores, all to pay rent or buy properties.  The first year that board games were a major part of our Christmas traditions.

The next is just a picture and a feeling.  The single image of my dad leaned over a table struggling to put together my brother's new remote control car.  It was so awesome and I was so jealous, but it made that Christmas amazing!  And dad was SO frustrated.  Hehe.

Then I remember our Christmas dinner.  Oh that heavenly seafood!  See, most people celebrate with a ham or turkey.  Our family celebrates with this wonderful concoction that I don't even have a name for.  It has crab, shrimp, lobster, and it is similar to a chowder texture.  We pour the seafood over toasted, buttered bread cups and it is a match made in heaven.  Partnered with green beans almondine and cheddar bay biscuits, the meal is perfect.

Then I would think of Oma. She's been gone 5 years now.  We still talk about her when we are playing the games.  She cheated all the time and we just loved trying to catch her at it!  She always liked to have a fire going in the fireplace and had 3 blankets on her.  We still go to ask her what she wants to drink sometimes when setting the table.

Finally, I settle on last Christmas.  D's family came to visit for Christmas and it was awesome!  We took them to see San Francisco, had Christmas at my parents, went hiking, and played a LOT of card games!  It was stressful at times, but it was so totally worth it!

I am looking forward to adding more memories this Christmas.

The Spirit of the Season

We can argue from here to eternity about what holiday we are celebrating and what day it should be on, or for once, we can step back and look at the bigger picture.  To me, it does not matter if it is Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, The Solstice, Yule, or anything else.  To me, it is all in the spirit of the season.  The spirit of the season should be love, kindness, helping those in need, treating others better than you treat yourself, and simply connecting with the rest of you community.  So much of that spirit has been lost. 

But we can fix it.  A dear friend of mine made her Christmas wish tonight.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  When asked what she wanted to Christmas, she said this:

"I can always answer a cure for Cancer or more time with my beloved husband, kids, family, and friends but we all pretty know that the third time is not a charm in my case. I want presents from ALL of my Facebook Friends both near and far and it won't cost you a thing. Go out of your way to do something nice for someone, stranger even, for no financial gain. This is your challenge! It can be as easy as taking a elderly person's shopping cart back. My [XX]st Birthday is Saturday so you have until them."

I have taken on her challenge, and now I challenge anyone who reads this.  Saturday is December 28th.  Go out of your way to do something nice for someone for no financial gain.  You know the acts of kindness we are looking for. Share your experiences in the comments!

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Honoring my Mind and Body

The last couple weeks, I have been trying to force my body and mind to conform to the way I want to be during the winter - the woman who is there for everyone, on top of all the "to-do's," working regularly, cooking fresh dinners, having a clean house, and still participating in all the events of the season.  Essentially, I have been pushing myself to be perfect.

This morning, I realized I have not been honoring who I am.  I am NOT perfect, and in reality, do I really want to be perfect?  I think of perfect and I see no room for fun or spontaneous actions.  I see stiff, prudish, and boring.  I don't see the crazy fun antics I like to incorporate into my life.  No, I am not perfect, but I keep punishing myself for not being perfect.  I chastise myself when I cannot fall asleep at a decent enough time to work the next morning.  I think poorly of myself when I can't bring myself to run the dozens of errands that need to be completed.  I wonder what is wrong with me when I simply don't have the energy to cook or clean house.  I mentally abuse myself with my negative self-talk.

Today, I am going to try a new approach.  I am going to practice being perfectly me.  If I do not get everything done, so be it.  As long as it isn't going to literally kill anyone and we have the necessities, it isn't the end of the world.  Lately, I have been exhausted during the day, but wide awake at night.  I will honor that by resting when I am tired, and being productive when I am awake.  Housework can be done at any time of day or night (except vacuuming when others are sleeping).  Bills, emails, warranty registrations, even grocery shopping can be done in the middle of the night.

I will honor my body cycle.  I haven't been able to wake up before 10am lately without being a zombie all day.  This means I haven't been taking any substitute jobs because I want the full day of work which starts at 7:30am.  I will change that.  Instead of trying to force myself to work "like a normal person," I will start taking half day jobs that start at 11:00/11:30am or I will take on more tutoring clients, scheduling appointments when I know I will be functional, and discontinue substituting until spring.

I will honor my mind.  If I just can't focus or concentrate, then I will give my mind the break it wants and play games, visit with friends, exercise, or cook.  When my mind is a little less turbulent, I will focus on the "serious" stuff, like studying, building my tutoring website, adoption paperwork, etc.

I have bipolar disorder.  I have anxiety.  In the winter, I can become severely depressed.  I thought I had fully accepted it a long time ago, but last week, my therapist asked a very pertinent question:  "Have you really accepted your disorder?"  Now, I am not so sure.  Yes, I admit I have it and I will always fight against the negative stigma of bipolar disorder, but I have always expected myself to "find a way" to prevent the winter depression.  I expect myself to find a way to "fix" it, like I am a toy that just needs some super glue or batteries, but I am realizing it is not that simple.  There is no cure.  There is only management of the disease.  My mind and body has needs unique to the time of year, and it is high time I give myself what I need.

Pick Me Ups!

I spent the last week super down.  Once again, I felt miserable and found it difficult to really do anything at all.  On Wednesday, I literally stayed in bed all day.  After that, I knew I had to force myself to do some stuff.  I knew that being productive would fight against my depression.  I knew just getting out of the house would help elevate my mood.  I knew contact with the outside world would feed my soul.  The rough part is when you know all that, but your body does not want to move.  Sometimes it feels like you are almost paralyzed.  Other times, it feels like you have 1,000 pounds pressing down on you.  Getting out of that state can happen dozens of ways, but once you do, you are so grateful.  

For me, it was commitments.  No matter how depressed I was, my drive to keep my commitments was stronger.  For me, it was pre-planning.  I knew that sometime around the end of November, I start to take a slide.  The amount of daylight greatly affects my moods (SAD).  Armed with this knowledge, I purposely made commitments around this time of the year that would maximize my chances of fighting off the depression.  

So Thursday, I had an appointment that I simply would not cancel.  I went to that appointment, and even though I seriously struggled through it, I left just a little less depressed.  My first step to make winter easier.  Since I was already out, I decided to run some errands because I knew the second I got home, I was not going out again.  This resulted in me being productive, which increased my mood more!  Friday, I had an appointment with my therapist, another pre-planned strategy.  I would not cancel that appointment either.  

Finally, my cake topper.  When I was given the opportunity to join a kickball charity tournament 5 weeks ago, I knew this was on my list of things to do more of and I knew I would never cancel the opportunity to give back.  That event was this weekend.  Friday, I drove to the hotel and got settled.  Then the awesomeness began.  Saturday was the tournament.  Saturday brought rain, including a few downpours and butt-puckering cold wind.  Simply put, it was miserable.  The turnout was amazing though!  Everyone brought their A game. 

 

That's me with the clipboard. I had on tights, two pairs of pants, three shirts, a sweatshirt, the jacket, and two pairs of socks.  I'll be damned if I am going to let the cold keep me from playing.

Rain!  Rain!  Go Away!

"The Bench"

  Then, the clouds parted.  Literally and figuratively.  The sun shined on through and we flipped!  Everyone started having a blast and there was so much laughter.  The cameras came out and all craziness broke loose!  It was just what this soul needed.  By the end of the festivities, I had risen money to give back to my community, had a blast, felt productive, loaded up on vitamin D while outside, and tied it all together with soul-renewing friends.  My weekend was complete. 

 

                           Chicks with Kicks!                             Suspender Hotties!

Life Isn't Always Sunshine and Rainbows

...and neither am I.  Granted, I try really hard to stay positive and keep all my social media stuff positive and upbeat.  After all, no one wants to hear bad or sad things all day every day.  Not to mention that negativity feeds on itself.  The problem is that not everyone can stay positive all the time and sometimes, trying to force it just makes the situation worse.

Today is one of those days where I just can't be positive all day.  I hurt.  Physically, my body is screaming.  This cold front is just killing my joints and I have a headache.  Emotionally, I just don't have it right now.  Every winter, I fight it with all I have.  I fight the negative thoughts, the self-deprecating, the crappy esteem, the "nobody loves me" mentality.  I fight the thoughts that say "why bother?"  It is hard because I know better.  I know that it is just the depression lying to me, and the last thing I want to do is make my friends and loved ones think they don't matter when I make comments like "nobody loves me."  I know better, but right now, my emotions don't feel it.

Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel and do your best to push through to the other side.  I can only hope that my friends and family can understand and remember that when I get angry, sad, depressed, pissy, or irritated, it really isn't me talking.  It is the depression talking.  I am fighting it with all I have, to hold it back, to lock it away, but this beast is big and breaks down my walls with ease.  But this will pass, as it always does.  Come the end of February/beginning of March, the clouds in my soul will begin to part again and my cheery smile will come more easily.  Til then, I will do the best I can, and I hope you will continue to stand by me.

Coping with the Holidays

Don't you just love seeing all the holiday decorations around town?  Everywhere you go, there are Thanksgiving and Christmas themes.  A blowup turkey here, a Christmas tree there, the Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas debate.  Then there is the endless ideal image of what the holidays are supposed to look like, including the red and orange of fall, the bundled up kids, snow on the streets, a long table lined with family down either side, a lighted Menorah, and the presents under the tree.  These are all images that are meant to evoke the emotion of happiness, thankfulness, and content.

However, many people struggle with the holidays.  Some struggle because they recently lost a loved one and the table feels empty without them.  Others become overwhelmed with the crowds and noise.  Whether you find yourself depressed from the season change or you simply have no positive memories of the holidays, we all have a choice in how we react to the negative emotions.

For me, I dip in and out of depressions throughout the year, but they are typically more severe and persistent during the winter months, beginning about mid-November.  As you might expect, this frequently affects my ability to enjoy the holiday season.  I look forward to seeing my family and having that break, but many times it comes with unreasonable expectations.  Though the last few years have been much better, I am going in prepared this year!  I choose to do all I can to ensure I engage in practices that help maintain a positive mood and environment.  Here are a few things you might consider as well.

1. Enlist support
2. Make a plan. Options include (but not limited to):
• Enlist the help of loved ones. In my case, my hubby is helping me in this "quest"
• Brainstorm ways to fight depressive situations.  In my case, I am not allowed to spend hours in front of the TV.  Yes, I can have football on, but actively staring at the screen for 12 hours only fuels depression. 
• Keep occupied/busy, but not so busy that you overwhelm yourself.  It is a fine balancing act to find just the right amount of activities to keep you positively stimulated, but not so much that you can't take a break if wanted. For me, this includes things like playing card/board games, helping* prepare the meals, plenty of reading material, and adoption paperwork.  These are all activities that can be stopped somewhat easily.  Note: helping means not being the sole person responsible for the meal.  You are simply helping when comfortable but not the main chef. 
• Plan a couple activities that require leaving the house.  Even if the weather is chilly, leaving the house is huge.  For me, I am planning on attending a T-day lite-up downtown event and checking out a food truck faire!  Two events in 7 days is enough to keep me motivated, but not overwhelmed, turning fun activities into work. On the off days, I will plan to talk a walk around the block, through the neighborhood, down the schoolyard, or basically anywhere else.  The walk can be as long or as short as I want, with a minimum of "to the neighbor's house." The simple act of leaving the house helps to awaken your senses, increase your vitamin D levels, combats SAD, and increases blood floor, all of which fights depression.  
• Most importantly, be gentle on yourself.  I don't care if you are having a Thanksgiving dinner for work, with loved ones, or by yourself, be gentle on yourself.  You do not have to meet someone else's expectation of you.  You do not even have to meet your expectation of what you should do.  All you have to do is show up. Showing up is half the battle; you have already beaten one symptom of depression - isolation.  For the rest of the visit, accept your needs and honor them.  If you need to sleep in, do so.  If you need to cancel a dinner date, do so.  If you need to go out, do so.  If you need to read a book, do so.  If you need to take a break and hide in the bathroom for a while, do so.  You have to take care of yourself.
3. Be flexible.  If you are one of those people who need to plan everything out, go for it, but also plan in some extra wiggle room.  In my case, I have blocks on my mental plan.  Drive days, scheduled events, then I have generic blocks.  One says "game of choice" and the other says "other home activity" (which includes walking since it is around the neighborhood) and they both exist on every day during the visit.  If you want more details, feel free to message me.  If you are the type that plays it by ear, set an alarm in your phone to ensure that you take some required fun/take care of you time. 

Finally, if none of that helps and you still find your thoughts/feelings going to dark places, accept it and talk about it.  It doesn't matter who.  You might call your psychiatrist or therapist, or talk to your best friend, family member, spouse, parent, God, journal, blogger, or stranger.  Talk to someone about it and really listen to any legal, reasonable suggestions to help elevate your mood.  They may be something you try or not, but at least you have options now.  

I didn't mean for this to become so long, but if you stuck with me, Congratulations!  We are almost done!  Remember, everyone has their own battles to fight.  Do not assume yours is greater than another's.  Do not assume yours is insignificant.  So this season, smile a little brighter, be a little more kind, be a little more gentle.  You never know when your smile can make or break a day for someone. 

Finding the Support that is Right for You

Some days, the world just doesn't level out in the morning the way you would like it to.  Maybe you didn't sleep we'll the night before or you woke up feeling cruddy. Maybe your body has aches or pains somewhere or the fog of depression or anxiety settles over you. Or maybe things just don't feel right. Not because something is actually wrong; just things don't feel right either. 

Now, it is true that thinking positively can help elevate your mood and get you through a rough day, but what about those days when you just can't see the positive?  The days when the fog is so thick that you can't see the good ahead of you? That you can't see the potential the day holds?  That is when you need your circle of support. 

Everyone's support circle looks different. For me, part of my support comes from a handful of friends who I know I can turn to. I know they will call me out when negativity is eating me alive.  I know I can call on them to vent my frustrations, opening the path to see good again. I know they will ask me that difficult question that we rarely answer honestly, especially to strangers, "How are you today?" They don't buy into the standard automatic response of "fine" or "ok."  

Yesterday, as I whined about my headache and lack of sleep, my support circle stepped in and reminded me to stop, take a breath, and observe all my blessings. Yesterday, I found out my little circle had grown. A new friend stepped up and reminded me that not all was lost and there were things to be thankful for. She cleared the fog from my vision and reopened my eyes and I am grateful for her friendship. 

What does support look like for you? Is your support friends? Family? Medical professionals? Strangers? Coworkers? Maybe even a pet? All of these are acceptable. Everyone's support looks different. There is no magic formula for what helps you keep going every day. What is important though is that you have that support. If you don't have anyone you can trust to be honest with you or that you can confide in, find someone.  Join a support group.  Find a recreational sports group. Recruit friends and family that you are comfortable with. Explore the option of a therapist or counselor. Find that safe haven where you can let your guard down and be brutally honest with yourself and/or someone else.  Then, expand from there. After all, we don't want to overwhelm our support. One person can only carry so much of your load.  Spread it between multiple people and everyone is more comfortable and productive. 

And if you don't know if you can venture out and start your support network, start here, with me and my readers. This is a no judgement zone. Ask questions, share your feelings, needs, and struggles. If posting in the comments here is too much, send me a private email.  We all need someone sometime. Let's help each other. 

To Feel Your Heart Break

Today, I have found myself incredibly distracted by all the things in my life that remind me we don't have children yet, and suddenly I am flooded with emotion.

D and I started trying to have children 5 1/2 years ago.  4 years ago, all the tests said our parts were working fine.  Unexplained infertility.  3 years ago, we decided to adopt instead of doing invitro.  2 years ago, we began researching.  1 year ago, we submit our first applications to a few agencies.  6 months ago, we decided to swallow our pride and start shamelessly asking people to help us realize our dream of giving an awesome family to a child in need.  Today, I cried.

I cried for the love that is just waiting to create a home for someone.  Infant, toddler, teen?  We would love them all.  I cried for the money we don't have to finance adopting.  It's not cheap.  Paying the lawyers, the social workers, the facilitators, lodging and expenses from the birth mother, and more adds up quickly.  It just doesn't seem right.  But I want a child.  I want to be that parent that loves and protects a child for the rest of his or her life.  But I have to wait.  I have to be patient.  Save up the money.  Collect donations if you can.  Take extra jobs if you can, either substituting or tutoring.  Keep expenses under control.

I have to be patient.

http://www.gofundme.com/ChinAdoption

I Love My Job!!!

Do you love your job?  If you don't, you should find what you love and turn it into a career.  My husband does what he loves - designing games.  I finally get to do what I love - teaching.  Why do I love teaching though?  Because I understand what it is like to learn in a different way than what mainstream school usually uses.  I understand what it is like to try and find different ways of understanding when the spoken word just doesn't work for you.  I understand how some topics just seem so overwhelming, you can't move forward.  This is what I work around every day when I substitute, tutor, or teach a friend something new.  And I absolutely love it!

I love it because I helped keep someone from giving up.  I helped build someone's confidence to try something they didn't think they could do.  I helped make our future inventors and philosophers be a little more creative, think a little differently, and understand the seemingly convoluted concepts a little bit more.  But most of all, I love it for the look on a child's face when everything suddenly makes sense - that lightbulb moment.  I love the excitement in the student's face when they discovered how awesome reading really can be.  I love the feeling of accomplishment when just one or two slight misconceptions are corrected and everything else falls into place.  I love moments like last night and this morning, when I help someone figure an assignment out just by explaining it in different terms...

Original comment and assignment:  I cannot write compare and contrast essays for the life of me oh my ...... I am having the hardest time. So here is what we did. We wrote sentences and my teacher split us into groups based on the same sentences and we had to read ours aloud to our group. So i have to compare theres to mine lol.   How do i introduce 3 different topics and say "im gonna compare and contrast these k".   im gonna be up all night.

My abridge response:  slow down. you will have 3 paragraphs. one for each opposing paper. so you are only comparing your paper to one at a time in structure.  paper 1: this paper was similar to mine because _____; it was different from mine because _____.  paper 2: this paper was similar to mine because _____; it was different from mine because _____.  paper 3: this paper was similar to mine because _____; it was different from mine because _____.  Add examples for each.

Resulting comment: I THINK ID DIE WITHOUT YOU

This morning's text exchange:

Student:  Guess who gets to help  me write another paper?!
Me:  No problem!  Email me the assignment and we will explore what it wants tonight.
Student:  You are a life saver!
Me:  Nope, just a teacher.
Student:  The best f*cking teacher
Me:  LOL.  Thanks.  :)

Talk about a great start to my day!