Live In The Moment. Don't Let Your Camera Rob You.

Cameras.  I have a love/hate relationship with them.  Cameras are a great invention that helps us capture precious moments and save memories, but since the advent of phone cameras, they have taken a sad turn.  Cameras have become so prevalent that people often miss "the moment."  Now, people are using their cameras (phone or otherwise) to take a picture of everything.  No matter what is going on, someone just HAS to take a "selfie."  People are so busy taking pictures that they have put a barrier between themselves and actually feeling what is going on around them.  They are no longer living in the moment and being a part of it, but recording it without any emotional attachment to it.

What is the point of recording it if it will not touch you deeply when you later reflect on it.  Better yet, if you take so many pictures, will you even look at those pictures again?  I know some people who have literally tens of thousands of pictures.  Will you even take the time to reflect on those experiences you so meticulously recorded?  Will you even remember what was happening around you when you look that picture?

I am not saying that cameras should be done away with.  I believe cameras can be a very valuable tool.  Instead, use discretion.  If you travel with me or check something new out with me, you will rarely see me take pictures.  I am picky about when I take a photo.  Instead of being trapped behind a screen, I want to feel, see, hear, touch, and be one with what is going on around me.  I want to be fully invested in the experience rather than worrying about tool.  I don't want to miss a thing.  I want to feel the energy of my surroundings pulse through me and let awe overtake me.  These experiences are then burned into my memory.  Only if I find something particularly fascinating will I take a photo.  For me to take a photo is to memorialize an experience.  It only takes one photo to bring a flood of memories and feelings back to me, allowing me to bask in the feelings and experiences once again.  I don't need to record every second and my life is fuller because of it.

Do you have a camera addiction?  I challenge you to become more selective with your pictures and let yourself live in the moment, rather than recording it.

Taking a Moment to Feel

This last week has been rough on me and my body.  Selling a house as fast as possible requires a lot of work.  Every day this week, I have woken up and hit the ground running.  The amount of stuff we accomplished this week feels unbelievable, but we did it.  The house is sparkling, bright, and open.  It went on the market yesterday.  And after a week of moving furniture, packing boxes, pulling weeds, fixing a few things around the house, painting, tutoring/working, and telling all my students and their families that I am moving, I am absolutely exhausted.

Physically, everything hurts and is sore.  I have bruises all over and my joints ache.  The funny part though is that it feels good.  It feels good that my body is well enough to accomplish all those tasks.  It feels good to know I have the resources and capacity to pull off the seemingly impossible feat.  But that feeling becomes bittersweet when I think about how much I love this house.  It is sad to think that we won't be here for much longer.  We had always intended on going back to Tucson, and I am excited for the new adventure, but we had planned to raise our future children in this house.  The picture was so clear, but the scenery now has to change.

So tonight, I am taking a moment to feel.  To feel the excitement and the loss, the joy and the sadness, the relief and the frustration, and all the other emotions that come with a major life course alteration.  Tonight, I am taking a moment to reflect on me.

Rolling With the Punches

Oh my goodness!  The last two weeks have been so very rough on us.  So this is my post to catch everyone up on what the deal is.

2 weeks ago, my husband went into work to find out that the company had lost their funding suddenly and had to close its doors...immediately.  The unexpected layoff left everyone in shock.  There was panic, fear, tears, sadness, and mourning over the loss of such a wonderful company.  The following days involved D and I going through all of our options and weighing each one carefully, but one thing was certain - we could not afford our house without D working.  We had a HUGE budget deficit and we needed to stop the bleeding as fast as possible.  Luckily, we are blessed to have a ton of options and enough savings to get us through a couple months.

And here is the decision.  We are moving back to Tucson.  Tucson is hurting for math and science teachers so the job market is ripe for me to gain quick employment, something that I have been unable to do here in San Diego.  In addition, the cost of living there is low enough that we can afford it on my salary alone.  That isn't even taking into account how much healthier I am there!

Although we are confident in our decision, there are several things making this move a challenge.  First, there is the sadness in telling my students and their families that we are moving and I will no longer be able to work with them.  These kids are amazing and I will miss them dearly.  Then there is my sinus surgery coming up next week.  Ever tried selling a house while recovering from surgery?  Yea.  That should be interesting.  Then, there is moving away from family who is just getting used to having me close by - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins.  Finally, there is trying to coordinate interviews when you don't even live in your destination city yet.  Well, if nothing else, we are keeping life interesting!

As Rodney Atkins tells us, "If you're going through hell, keep on going.  Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it.  You might get out before the devil even knows you're there."

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Laugh

Life has a sick sense of humor sometimes, but we have a choice on how to react to it.  We can either curse it, yell, scream, cry, bitch, and moan, or we can choose a healthier path for our soul of laughter and rolling with the punches.  The immediate reaction is not what is important.  Our instincts kick in almost immediately with a reaction of fear, anger, sadness, or excitement.  What is important is our conscious action after we move past the initial shock.

Last week I posted about big decisions we were making and the dreams and goals surrounding them.  Little did I know, my husband was being informed at that same moment that he no longer had a job.  The startup company he was working for lost funding and shut down, laying off everyone.  I can only imagine the things going through my husband's head as he read my blog post that day.

I freely admit that when he told me that night, my heart plummeted and a small panic started in my gut.  Me being the highly emotional person I am, I was quite proud of myself for not letting that panic take over though.  There were some tears later, but I ultimately woke up the next morning ready to face this new challenge head on.  Crying, worrying, and holding on to anger or disappointment solves nothing.  Instead, careful analysis of the situation, running numbers, amassing options, and exploring creative solutions will get us through this.  Let's see where life takes us this time!

Much love!

P.S.  If you know of any designer positions with a gaming company or middle school math/science teaching positions open, let us know!

Even the Strongest Feel Weak Sometimes

I'm a pretty strong person.  I have had a life where I have been beaten down, trampled over, injured, deathly ill, and mentally scrambled.  Through illness and injury, I have persevered.  I have pushed through and come out the other side of my experiences stronger and wiser.  I am confident that I can make it through just about anything.  But even the strongest people feel weak at times.

Today, I am weak emotionally.  For more than 6 weeks now, I have been fighting a massive sinus infection that just will not go away.  I have dealt with migraine after migraine, several rounds of antibiotics and steroids, CT scans, blood work, exhaustion, and still trying to work and get my business off the ground.  The longer it continues, the more likely surgery will be needed to clear the infection out.  Quite honestly though, I would welcome it.

Over the weekend, the infection made its way into my chest and bronchitis is setting in: the figurative straw that broke the camel's back.  I don't look sick, only tired.  I don't sound sick (aside from the cough), just sad.   But I am sick and I am tired and sad.  Weeks of fighting this illness has left me short on spoons with nothing left in reserves and I still have another 2 weeks before I can see the specialist.  The frustration and annoyance has compounded into an overall feeling of disappointment and feeling of hopelessness, that I will never be healthy again.

Before you freak out, yes, I know this is not true, but our emotions do not always follow our knowledge.  I know health will come again and I will ignore the lies that my bipolar can tell me, but the feelings are still there and need to be acknowledged.  Denying those feelings only make things worse.  So today, I acknowledge my feeling of weakness.  I acknowledge my desire of having someone just hold me and take care of me for a few days so I don't have to think about all the things I want to be accomplishing and can't.

I accept that I must take care of myself first, but that doesn't mean that I won't feel the frustration and disappointment of wanting to take care of those around me.  So this is me asking for help from my family and friends, if you have a few minutes, drop me a message, give me a ring, or stop by my house to visit.  Distract me from the disappointment of being ill.  Tell me about your day or a funny joke.  Run your big ideas by me so I have something else to ruminate on instead of feeling crappy.  If you can spare it, run an errand for me or drop off a side dish for dinner so I don't feel quite so guilty for not being able to care for my family as I would like.  Forgive me if I sound down in the dumps and understand that I am doing the best I can.  Sometimes, we just need a little helping hand.

Gophers, and Moles, and Mice. Oh my!

So we have a huge gopher problem.  This neighborhood is absolutely infested with them and there are hundreds of holes between our yard and the neighbor's yard.  We have tried baiting them, but it just doesn't take care of the problem and I worry about other animals being poisoned should they eat a poisoned gopher.  A quick Google search turned up an alternative:  Barn Owls.

Apparently, one barn owl pair can consume up to 2000 rodents in a single year.  Hell yea!  But to buy the premade boxes is not cheap.  After some research, there are tons of plans online to build your own barn owl box for minimal cost.  Yea baby!  So I believe one of my next projects will be building and installing one of these boxes.  I am totally excited about this prospect.  Besides, who wouldn't want to see cute little owlets growing up?

What are gopher solutions you have tried and how successful were they?

Whoooo are yoooou?

Nom nom nom.  Tasty gopher.

What you lookin at?

Dream Big

I've got big dreams.  Huge even.  They are so big that sometimes I actually fear their success.  But this is a demon I am learning to tame.  I am learning to stop focusing on the bad things that *could* happen, and instead, focus on what I want to happen.

See, my dad is always giving me and my hubby stuff that he thinks will help us in some way or another.  Books on healthy eating, advice from Dr. Oz, financial articles to read, etc.  This time, he gave me a book.  In the past, I would have conveniently not found time to read it.  But this time, I figured why not.  My dad is trying to help me and pass knowledge to me.  I should honor him by checking it out.  What I found was an incredibly inspiring story, captivating words, and focus.

The brain is a powerful thing.  What we focus our thoughts on influences what happens in our future.  We may think about what we don't want to happen, but that only puts that at the front of our mind so it is all we find.  This goes back to the saying "Don't think about a red hammer."  And what were you just thinking about?  A red hammer.  Instead, focus on what you want.

This is when my dreams started looking achievable.  I am learning to build focus on what I want my life to look like.  When I picture my life now, I zoom in on the details while maintaining view of my life as a whole.  I can see part of my business incredibly clear now.  I can picture exactly what I am doing in that moment in time and really feel my emotions of the time.  Joy.  Contentment.  Love.  As I wind down for the night and settle into bed, I picture what I want the next day to look like as if it is a guarantee that it will happen.  It may be coincidence, but it has been pretty darn accurate.  Even when the day did not go as well as I had desired, when I honestly reflected, I realized I spent too much of the previous night worrying instead of focusing on what I want to happen.   Thoughts have power.  In the words of Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right."

What are your dreams?  What do you want your future to look like?  Are you focusing on that future or on everything that could prevent that future from happening?

*If you are interested in reading the book I am currently reading, it is called "The Answer" by John Assaraf and Murray Smith.

This Is Me, Take It or Leave It

Caution:  This may confuse the hell of out you.  Welcome to my spinning stream of consciousness.  Have fun!

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Someone asked me the other day why I write this blog.  Honestly, there is no simple, single answer.  This blog exists for several reasons.  The first reason I began it was to show the world that not all people who have Bipolar Disorder are maniacs who go shooting up malls and schools.  There are thousands of us who seek treatment for our disorder and lead healthy, productive lives, yet people shy away from us when they find out we have a "mental illness."  But this blog has turned into much more. 

Sometimes, it is my sounding board; my place to vent when everything seems to be going against me.  Other times, I use it to announce to the world something that just blew my mind!  There are days when I feel like all I can do is help people, so I share some of that information and tips on here as well.  And finally, it is also partly my diary.  

When I write here, I am both writing to you, my audience, but also to myself.  For better or worse, I put myself out here for learning.  I want my readers to learn to see beyond the stereotypes, beyond your own fears, beyond insecurities, and open up to another view.  So many people see things only one way in this world, and they forget that there are thousands, even millions, of different aspects to any situation.  Don't assume that your way is the only correct way.  

Anyway, I am getting off track.  What I want you to know is that when I write here, this is me and what I tell you comes from my heart.  Sometimes I am crass, but can't we all be sometimes?  Sometimes I am all pixies and rainbows!  Isn't that nice?  And sometimes I am so far down that I can't even see that the sky is blue anymore.  What you "see" is what you get.  You get to witness a small part of my mind that gives hints to how I think, react, feel.  

Heck, you might even get to "watch" me work through a revelation or idea.  Like right now, I am questioning why I am writing this post?  Do I feel like I need to validate myself?  Do I have to explain what I write?  I shouldn't have to.  It should be implied that these are my thoughts and experiences.  On one hand, I don't want to care what you think about me or any of that, but on the other hand, I have times where I really hope you won't judge me.  I have reasons for my actions, feelings, opinions.  Rather than jumping to conclusions, engage me in conversation.  Ask me.  I will answer nearly anything.  You may be shocked at what I would answer. 

Bah!  And there my mind goes again.  I'm good at tangents.  Long story short, this is me.  Take it or leave it. 

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And this is where I went back to the top to put a caution label on this post.  Ha!  I wanna keep writing and sharing.  Feel free to stop reading at any time. 

So this is really late at night, Sunday morning.  I have been "sick" for 10 days.  I put sick in quotes because I haven't really felt "sick" by the usual definition.  No.  What I have had for the last 10 days is this insanely horrible headache.  It was so bad at times I could not see anything but fuzz.  I also was sleeping 12-14 hours a day and still needed a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon.  Now luckily, the last two days have brought some relief.  My energy is finally coming back, though slowly.  I wake up rested now after 9 or 10 hours and I can  though I find myself tired in the afternoon, I can still function.  The headache has receded significantly in the last 2 days and now it is coming and going instead of constant.  When it is present, I can function through it. 

And you know what?  The docs still don't know what the heck is/was wrong with me.  Yea, they don't know.  I had a CT scan, an EKG, and some bloodwork done.  All came back acceptable. All they have been able to tell me inflammation of my left sinuses.  Well, no shit Sherlock.  I have allergies and they have been bad lately!  But why?  Why am I still having these problems when I am on allergy shots, have a nasal spray, AND take Zyrtek daily?  /rant end

But now, after 10 days, my mood is seriously starting to suffer.  I feel the walls closing in, feeling more like a cage rather than a shelter.  Trying to stay positive while feeling miserable is exhausting.  I don't have the energy to fight it anymore right now.  Hopefully I can have some energy soon to take me out of the house for something fun, not just the necessities like grocery shopping and the pharmacy.  

I need some fun soon or this hole is gonna be tough to crawl out of. 

As One Story Ends, Another Begins in 2014!

Here we are ladies and gents.  New Year's Eve, 2013.  For many, this is a time of reflection on the year past, while others focus on the year to come.  I prefer to do both.

Looking back on 2013 requires revisiting both the bad times and the good.  It was my first full year in San Diego.  The holiday season of 2012 came at the same time as my move to San Diego, making the start of my life here very turbulent.  To say the least, I was utterly miserable at the beginning of 2013.  I was exhausted from school, from student teaching, from hosting holiday dinners and traveling for others.  My poor health management caught up with me and I came down with a nasty bug that felt like it was the end.  I had no friends here, no job, and no motivation.  After living on my own for 18 months, I had to acclimate to sharing my living space with my husband again.  It wasn't just my way anymore.  I had to consider someone else again.  It was a rough adjustment.

Somehow though, that low point merely acted as a springboard for a phenomenal year.  My incredibly patient and loving husband did not fret when my moods were all over the place.  Never one did he falter in his support.  When I finally figured out what I thought I needed to improve the situation, he did not hesitate to help make it happen.  He was there holding my hand the whole time.

As I navigated this new territory, I found myself as a long-term substitute.  Although the experience was challenging beyond imagination, it was also extremely rewarding.  However, the job had to come to an end.  I continued to substitute with various schools and tutor on the side.  I met amazing people and fostered valuable network connections.  Yet I still felt disconnected from the life I was living.

I found myself traveling, a lot.  Traveling  is not a bad thing.  In fact, it is amazing if done for the right reasons.  My best friend helped me realize I was not helping myself though.  My travels weren't just for vacation and to visit friends.  My travels were more about me running away to more comfortable situations than trying to build my life in San Diego.  I realized if I was ever going to be happy here, I needed to dig in and make it happen.

Then came kickball.  I never thought that a schoolyard game could change my life, my outlook.  Kickball filled that vital piece I needed to grow...friendship and community.  I had a reason to leave the house.  I had people to celebrate accomplishments with.  I made some wonderful friends.  I didn't feel so alone and isolated anymore, and this gave me strength to launch into the world here.  Even when things were rough, I had people I could call on now.

Now, I have opportunities to give back to my community and charity.  My tutoring business has continued to grow and my network grows more every day.  As 2013 comes to a close, 2014 is shining bright ahead.  My chapter of emotional struggle is giving way to a chapter of motivation and determination.  This new chapter will bring many challenges as I work to start my new school, increase my fitness, and continue improving my diet and overall being.  I look forward to more opportunities to give back to my community and neighbors.  And hopefully, I look forward to welcoming a child into our home.

2013, Thank you for the lessons you taught me and the strength you built in me, but our time is now down.  2014, Bring it on!

Honoring my Mind and Body

The last couple weeks, I have been trying to force my body and mind to conform to the way I want to be during the winter - the woman who is there for everyone, on top of all the "to-do's," working regularly, cooking fresh dinners, having a clean house, and still participating in all the events of the season.  Essentially, I have been pushing myself to be perfect.

This morning, I realized I have not been honoring who I am.  I am NOT perfect, and in reality, do I really want to be perfect?  I think of perfect and I see no room for fun or spontaneous actions.  I see stiff, prudish, and boring.  I don't see the crazy fun antics I like to incorporate into my life.  No, I am not perfect, but I keep punishing myself for not being perfect.  I chastise myself when I cannot fall asleep at a decent enough time to work the next morning.  I think poorly of myself when I can't bring myself to run the dozens of errands that need to be completed.  I wonder what is wrong with me when I simply don't have the energy to cook or clean house.  I mentally abuse myself with my negative self-talk.

Today, I am going to try a new approach.  I am going to practice being perfectly me.  If I do not get everything done, so be it.  As long as it isn't going to literally kill anyone and we have the necessities, it isn't the end of the world.  Lately, I have been exhausted during the day, but wide awake at night.  I will honor that by resting when I am tired, and being productive when I am awake.  Housework can be done at any time of day or night (except vacuuming when others are sleeping).  Bills, emails, warranty registrations, even grocery shopping can be done in the middle of the night.

I will honor my body cycle.  I haven't been able to wake up before 10am lately without being a zombie all day.  This means I haven't been taking any substitute jobs because I want the full day of work which starts at 7:30am.  I will change that.  Instead of trying to force myself to work "like a normal person," I will start taking half day jobs that start at 11:00/11:30am or I will take on more tutoring clients, scheduling appointments when I know I will be functional, and discontinue substituting until spring.

I will honor my mind.  If I just can't focus or concentrate, then I will give my mind the break it wants and play games, visit with friends, exercise, or cook.  When my mind is a little less turbulent, I will focus on the "serious" stuff, like studying, building my tutoring website, adoption paperwork, etc.

I have bipolar disorder.  I have anxiety.  In the winter, I can become severely depressed.  I thought I had fully accepted it a long time ago, but last week, my therapist asked a very pertinent question:  "Have you really accepted your disorder?"  Now, I am not so sure.  Yes, I admit I have it and I will always fight against the negative stigma of bipolar disorder, but I have always expected myself to "find a way" to prevent the winter depression.  I expect myself to find a way to "fix" it, like I am a toy that just needs some super glue or batteries, but I am realizing it is not that simple.  There is no cure.  There is only management of the disease.  My mind and body has needs unique to the time of year, and it is high time I give myself what I need.

Life Isn't Always Sunshine and Rainbows

...and neither am I.  Granted, I try really hard to stay positive and keep all my social media stuff positive and upbeat.  After all, no one wants to hear bad or sad things all day every day.  Not to mention that negativity feeds on itself.  The problem is that not everyone can stay positive all the time and sometimes, trying to force it just makes the situation worse.

Today is one of those days where I just can't be positive all day.  I hurt.  Physically, my body is screaming.  This cold front is just killing my joints and I have a headache.  Emotionally, I just don't have it right now.  Every winter, I fight it with all I have.  I fight the negative thoughts, the self-deprecating, the crappy esteem, the "nobody loves me" mentality.  I fight the thoughts that say "why bother?"  It is hard because I know better.  I know that it is just the depression lying to me, and the last thing I want to do is make my friends and loved ones think they don't matter when I make comments like "nobody loves me."  I know better, but right now, my emotions don't feel it.

Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel and do your best to push through to the other side.  I can only hope that my friends and family can understand and remember that when I get angry, sad, depressed, pissy, or irritated, it really isn't me talking.  It is the depression talking.  I am fighting it with all I have, to hold it back, to lock it away, but this beast is big and breaks down my walls with ease.  But this will pass, as it always does.  Come the end of February/beginning of March, the clouds in my soul will begin to part again and my cheery smile will come more easily.  Til then, I will do the best I can, and I hope you will continue to stand by me.

Taking Care of Yourself First

I honestly don't know what it is, but people love to talk to me.  They come to me with their dreams, their fears, their problems, and their celebrations.  They come to me when they are sad and no one else understands or they can't figure out what it is they are feeling.  What do I do?  I listen.  I take it all in, then I respond.  This response may simply be a hug and a reassurance that I am always there to talk to.  It may be a vote of support or encouragement, or I may give some advice, but I rarely sugarcoat things.  In return, I now have several close friends who I trust to tell me the truth, even when I don't like it.  It is especially frustrating when they use my own advice against me.  In this case, the advice is:

"You have to take care of yourself if you want to care for anyone else."

This is one of the pieces of advice I hand out on nearly a daily basis.  So many times, we put the needs of others ahead of ourselves. The result is exhaustion and illness which manifests in the inability to take care of those things you saw as more important.  For example, you have to work to pay for the house over your family's heads and to put food on the table.  You are super stressed out and tired because you have been losing sleep over an important project or task.  In fact, this task is so important, that you can't possibly consider taking a couple hours off work to refresh yourself and relax.  After all, you have to bring home that paycheck and those 2 or 3 hours just can't be sacrificed.

The problem is the stress lowers your immune system and lack of sleep only exacerbates the problem.  Guess what happens next.  If you thought "you get sick," you are right!  You didn't take care of yourself, so your body couldn't maintain peak efficiency and now you are sick.  Only, an illness rarely lasts a mere 2 or 3 hours.  Instead, that time you were afraid of "wasting" has now become 2 or 3 days instead of 2 or 3 hours.  I don't know about you, but even when I push through illness, I am rarely more than half as productive as I am healthy.  So instead of losing 2 or 3 hours for refreshing and relaxing, I am losing the equivalent of 2 or 3 half days by being sick.  Assuming you work 8 hour days and your production is about half what it should be, you just lost 8-12 hours of production compared to 2-3 hours.  Congratulations!  You quadrupled your down time!

Well, running the numbers, it makes sense to do the 2 or 3 hours.  So what is the problem?  Emotions.  Feelings of guilt, longing, sadness, jealousy, and fear keep up from doing what we know is healthiest for us.  Fear of disappointing a boss, coworker, or family member; guilt from not helping a friend in need; sadness that you might miss something fun or exciting; jealousy that someone else can just go and go and never wear down; a longing to meet an unhealthy version of a perfect you.

Today, I stayed in bed all day and played on the internet and studied.  I pushed my body farther than normal the past 4 days and I could feel the results in stiff and sore joints.  Emotionally, there was a lot of crappy news that hit also.  I knew my body and mind needed the break to recharge, but when a friend called on my help, I found myself torn.  One of the things that I both love and hate about myself is my incredible desire to fix everything for everyone.  That quality directly conflicts with my need to rest.  Though I believe I did the right thing in taking the day to recharge, I feel incredibly guilty I was unable to help that friend today.  Taking care of yourself is not the easiest thing to do, but it is something that has to be done and I am actively trying to live my own advice.

Grand Re-Opening!

I know I have been gone for a while.  Things got a little crazy in the last year or so.  Hopefully, I am back and I can start sharing my journeys and experiences with you all again!  To begin, let me give you a little recap of the last 14 months.  Yes, yes.  I know you know the general events, but rather than you refreshing your memory by looking at past posts, I will just do it here.

At this time last year, I was wrapping up my student teaching in Arizona.  Student teaching was one of the most challenging and rewarding things I have ever done.  It truly tested my limits and forced me to think outside the box.  I had bad days where I seriously doubted I would make it through, and I had great days where I was in awe at what my students could do.  With my classmates and my mentor teacher, I laughed, I cried, I pulled my hair out, and I loved.  Despite my fears and inexperience, my students thrived and I finally graduated.

With graduation, I finally got to be back with my husband again.  18 months of living in two separate places takes a toll on a relationship.  The transition back to living together and being a team was rough.  I had gotten used to depending on only myself.  I had gotten used to cooking for one, worrying about only what I needed to do and accomplish.  Suddenly, there was another person in the equation again and I had to relearn how to be a partner instead of the boss.  It was a long process that I was not able to solve myself, but it took me time to accept the help from my partner.

While this was all going on, my body was adjusting to the new climate.  I went from hot and dry to cool and humid and my body did not agree at all!  I spend months achy and depressed as I worked with my docs to adjust my meds accordingly.  Eventually, the Rheumatoid got used to the weather and I was able to function better and summer came along, improving my mood.

Now, I have settled into my life here in So Cal and I am working toward new goals.  My husband and I are trying to raise money to adopt, I am studying for my secondary certifications for teaching in California, I am substituting and tutoring privately, and I am looking into opening my own private school.  That doesn't even count all the plans I have for this house and yard!

So as you can see, I never seem to let myself slow down, but I feel that not only do I need to start blogging again for my own sanity, I also need to put my thoughts, feelings, and solutions out there for others again.  I  may be dreaming, but I believe my words can help others work through tough times in their own lives.  As I get back to blogging, I will continue to put coping strategies out there, share my own experiences, delve into more detail on some of the past events, and express new dreams.  Please feel free to give your input and suggestions.  I want this to be a community where we all help and share with each other.

Honoring the Past, Looking Forward to the Future

Today, I finally put away the Nativity Scene.  I know Christmas is long gone, but having it up gave me a sense of closeness with my Oma.  My brother and I would help her set it up every year we were near.  Carefully we would place each piece in whatever arrangement met our fancy that year.  It was always set up on this long, dark table that sat against the wall in the formal living room. It was one of the first things you saw when you entered her house.  Setting up the Nativity Scene was one of many traditions we shared with Oma.

As I wrap each of the pieces in gobs of tissue paper, I try to be as gentle as possible.  Most of the pieces are in excellent condition but a few are chipped and worn.  In particular, poor Joseph's paint is cracking all over the place.  He gets the most tissue and the least direct handling.  Each piece is placed carefully inside the handmade manger before wrapped carefully in plastic and stored in a plastic tote.

As I wrap, I notice a piece of paper stuck to the bottom of one of the figures.  It has the shape and texture of one of those cheap sticky price tags you might see in the dollar store but it is worn and faded.  On it is typed two letters and three numbers - DM 2, 50.  Five of the figures have this same stamp.  Another is marked DM 2, 25 and three others are marked DM 2, 75.  Knowing my Oma came from Germany, my assumption is these are prices: Deutsche Marks.  For these figures to come from Germany means my Oma either inherited them from another family member or she bought them herself.  If she bought them, it would have been long ago since I remember this Nativity Scene from my very young childhood.  I can only assume these pieces are at least 30 years old.

I also know my Oma came from Germany when she was a young girl, a teenager I believe.  She was in Germany during WWII.  After she came to the United States, after the war was over, Oma went back to Germany to visit family several times and sometimes they would come visit us.  Despite knowing of her visits, I like to think this Nativity Scene came over with Oma when she was a girl.  Maybe it is the faded paint on the figures or the style of artwork and craftsmanship, but it feels old.  These figures are potentially 60 years old - or more. A piece of history, a time when things were both simpler and more complex than today.

I cannot thank my Oma for all the Christmas memories she gave me.  I cannot thank you for showing me the importance of tradition.  All I can do is honor the past and pass these memories and traditions on to my own future children.

Danke schön, Oma, und gute nacht.

Day 1 - Accountability

Today, I did something I haven't done in a long time - I put myself through a full workout.  Now, I know I have several friends who do a heck of a lot more than what I did today, but I pushed my muscles to their give in point and that works for me...for now.

Why is this such a big deal?  Before I moved to Arizona, I had been working with a freakin fantastic trainer for about a year (shameless plug for Lance Pimentel at TNT Top Notch Training in Stockton, CA).  I was in the gym nearly every day and I felt phenomenal.  Lance kicked my butt once or twice a week and I kicked my own butt the rest of the week.  I was slimming down, toning up, and had a ton more energy.  I continued the training and the gym in Tucson, but not as enthusiastically.  

Then I lost feeling in my right arm.  It would swing back and forth from numbness to pins and needles.  My hand would swell to the size of a grapefruit and the whole arm and hand were useless.  After weeks of tests, an MRI, and who knows what else (you know my memory sucks), the diagnosis was a severely pinched nerve. What did the doctor do?  He prescribed me a nerve blocking pill.  Um, how exactly does that unpinch the nerve???  Exactly. 

This was when I decided to try chiropractic treatment.  After watching how much it helped my mom, I figured the least I could do was try it.  After just one treatment, I had general feeling back in my arm and hand.  Turns out it was a rib out of place that was pinching that nerve.  After a few weeks, I could grip things again and stopped taking the nerve pills.  After a month or two, I was able to get back in the gym, but I no longer had the motivation and endurance because of the weeks I was banned for doing anything strenuous with that arm.  I was frustrated, and rather than push through like I should have, I quit.  

I have learned a lot since then.  I have learned that taking the easy way out is rarely the best way.  I have learned that physical activity is something my body craves.  I have learned that an overweight person who exercises regularly is still healthier than a person at the "proper" weight who doesn't exercise.  I have learned that physical activity is absolutely VITAL for maintaining functionality with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I stop moving, so do my joints.  So I am starting again. 

Today I took that first step.  Last night as I lay in bed, I planned out my workout.  I caught myself thinking "I will try to workout tomorrow" and realized I was thinking the same way I had been for the last two years.  I then changed that phrase in my head to "No.  I will not try.  I will perform.  I WILL workout tomorrow."  That change in thinking made all the difference.  Now, I know how easy it is to quit.  It is harder to get started than to quit.  And now we are to the point of this post.  

I would love if someone out there would be willing to be my accountability coach.  Because I don't want to spam this blog with my workout regime and I don't want to spam my Facebook wall with my workouts, I am going to start a new blog to track my progress and help me stay accountable.  I want to be able to track my increased endurance and strength.  What better way than a blog!  So, if you are willing to be my accountability coach, or if you want to be my workout partner, come check out my NEW blog at Butt Busting Diva!  I look forward to seeing you there!

A New Chapter

One of my favorite songs is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.  Though you have probably heard it before, for those who haven't, it is a wonderful piece of music dedicated to trying new things, finding your way, and deciding where you want to take your life.  That is where I am right now.  

For the last four years, much of my life has centered around school - becoming a teacher.  At the same time though, life dealt me some curve balls with 4 major moves, the hubby changing jobs 3 times, and me having to live separate from my husband for the last year and a half.  No matter how you look at it, life has been challenging, but the rewards are irreplaceable.  

Today, I know who my true and best friends are.  I know who will always have my back no matter how difficult life becomes. I know so much more about  myself, my motivations, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I have a greater appreciation for life, love, and family.  And as an added bonus, I have confirmation and conviction that I finally found what I am supposed to be when I grow up.  In the last 3 years, my life has fallen into place and at 30 years old, I finally feel like I am becoming who I am supposed to be.  

Now I have new challenges and new questions.  What is the next step in life? What do I want now? What do I need? What are my new goals and dreams? Which friends will continue to walk by my side as I write the next chapter in my life? How can I give back to my friends, family, and community? How do I want to make a difference in our complicated world? These are the soul-searching questions I ask myself as I ponder my future.  As Miss Bedingfield tells us, "the rest is still unwritten."  

My future will be what I make it, but I have to decide what it is I want and need in my future - assuming we survive the apocalypse.  ;)  So tell me, what are some of your goals for the future?  What are your dreams?  How do you want to give back to your community?

Doing What Makes ME Happy!

For a long time, I just went along with whatever other people wanted to do.  If my friends wanted to stay up and party til the sun came up even though I was tired and wanted to sleep, ok!  If everyone wanted to stay in even though I wanted to go out, ok!  If someone wanted me to take them somewhere and I didn't feel like going anywhere, I would do it anyway!

So recently, I decided to do the things that I wanted.  Instead of pushing aside MY wants and needs, I have been respecting myself enough to say no when I want to say no and say yes when I want to say yes.  The problem is a few of my friends have had a hard time with this transition.  They think I don't like them anymore just cause I am tired and decide to go home instead of staying out til the wee-morning hours.  They think I only hang around for food or some stupid thing like that because I say I don't feel like doing something or going somewhere.  Frankly, it is frustrating!

But I realize it is a transition.  No one is used to me looking out for me.  They are used to me looking out for everyone else.  So here is this blog post - a note to those who think I am not happy with them, don't want to hang out with them, don't want to be their friend, or anything else completely silly like that.  Guess what.  I still like you.  I'm not going anywhere.  I will still support my friends no matter what.  Deal with it.


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