Even the Strongest Feel Weak Sometimes

I'm a pretty strong person.  I have had a life where I have been beaten down, trampled over, injured, deathly ill, and mentally scrambled.  Through illness and injury, I have persevered.  I have pushed through and come out the other side of my experiences stronger and wiser.  I am confident that I can make it through just about anything.  But even the strongest people feel weak at times.

Today, I am weak emotionally.  For more than 6 weeks now, I have been fighting a massive sinus infection that just will not go away.  I have dealt with migraine after migraine, several rounds of antibiotics and steroids, CT scans, blood work, exhaustion, and still trying to work and get my business off the ground.  The longer it continues, the more likely surgery will be needed to clear the infection out.  Quite honestly though, I would welcome it.

Over the weekend, the infection made its way into my chest and bronchitis is setting in: the figurative straw that broke the camel's back.  I don't look sick, only tired.  I don't sound sick (aside from the cough), just sad.   But I am sick and I am tired and sad.  Weeks of fighting this illness has left me short on spoons with nothing left in reserves and I still have another 2 weeks before I can see the specialist.  The frustration and annoyance has compounded into an overall feeling of disappointment and feeling of hopelessness, that I will never be healthy again.

Before you freak out, yes, I know this is not true, but our emotions do not always follow our knowledge.  I know health will come again and I will ignore the lies that my bipolar can tell me, but the feelings are still there and need to be acknowledged.  Denying those feelings only make things worse.  So today, I acknowledge my feeling of weakness.  I acknowledge my desire of having someone just hold me and take care of me for a few days so I don't have to think about all the things I want to be accomplishing and can't.

I accept that I must take care of myself first, but that doesn't mean that I won't feel the frustration and disappointment of wanting to take care of those around me.  So this is me asking for help from my family and friends, if you have a few minutes, drop me a message, give me a ring, or stop by my house to visit.  Distract me from the disappointment of being ill.  Tell me about your day or a funny joke.  Run your big ideas by me so I have something else to ruminate on instead of feeling crappy.  If you can spare it, run an errand for me or drop off a side dish for dinner so I don't feel quite so guilty for not being able to care for my family as I would like.  Forgive me if I sound down in the dumps and understand that I am doing the best I can.  Sometimes, we just need a little helping hand.

As One Story Ends, Another Begins in 2014!

Here we are ladies and gents.  New Year's Eve, 2013.  For many, this is a time of reflection on the year past, while others focus on the year to come.  I prefer to do both.

Looking back on 2013 requires revisiting both the bad times and the good.  It was my first full year in San Diego.  The holiday season of 2012 came at the same time as my move to San Diego, making the start of my life here very turbulent.  To say the least, I was utterly miserable at the beginning of 2013.  I was exhausted from school, from student teaching, from hosting holiday dinners and traveling for others.  My poor health management caught up with me and I came down with a nasty bug that felt like it was the end.  I had no friends here, no job, and no motivation.  After living on my own for 18 months, I had to acclimate to sharing my living space with my husband again.  It wasn't just my way anymore.  I had to consider someone else again.  It was a rough adjustment.

Somehow though, that low point merely acted as a springboard for a phenomenal year.  My incredibly patient and loving husband did not fret when my moods were all over the place.  Never one did he falter in his support.  When I finally figured out what I thought I needed to improve the situation, he did not hesitate to help make it happen.  He was there holding my hand the whole time.

As I navigated this new territory, I found myself as a long-term substitute.  Although the experience was challenging beyond imagination, it was also extremely rewarding.  However, the job had to come to an end.  I continued to substitute with various schools and tutor on the side.  I met amazing people and fostered valuable network connections.  Yet I still felt disconnected from the life I was living.

I found myself traveling, a lot.  Traveling  is not a bad thing.  In fact, it is amazing if done for the right reasons.  My best friend helped me realize I was not helping myself though.  My travels weren't just for vacation and to visit friends.  My travels were more about me running away to more comfortable situations than trying to build my life in San Diego.  I realized if I was ever going to be happy here, I needed to dig in and make it happen.

Then came kickball.  I never thought that a schoolyard game could change my life, my outlook.  Kickball filled that vital piece I needed to grow...friendship and community.  I had a reason to leave the house.  I had people to celebrate accomplishments with.  I made some wonderful friends.  I didn't feel so alone and isolated anymore, and this gave me strength to launch into the world here.  Even when things were rough, I had people I could call on now.

Now, I have opportunities to give back to my community and charity.  My tutoring business has continued to grow and my network grows more every day.  As 2013 comes to a close, 2014 is shining bright ahead.  My chapter of emotional struggle is giving way to a chapter of motivation and determination.  This new chapter will bring many challenges as I work to start my new school, increase my fitness, and continue improving my diet and overall being.  I look forward to more opportunities to give back to my community and neighbors.  And hopefully, I look forward to welcoming a child into our home.

2013, Thank you for the lessons you taught me and the strength you built in me, but our time is now down.  2014, Bring it on!

It's Christmas! Flashback Cafe Style

As I begin this post, it is 10:20 pm in California on Christmas Eve.  I am lying here in bed, looking forward to the day ahead, and I begin picturing Christmases past.  Some are just little moments in time, while other recollections are long and elaborate.  These are some of my favorites:

The first one that comes to me takes place when I was a kid. We had Oma at our house for Christmas.  We began a game of Monopoly that went on for three days!  It was cutthroat mayhem!  Adults selling privileges, children selling chores, all to pay rent or buy properties.  The first year that board games were a major part of our Christmas traditions.

The next is just a picture and a feeling.  The single image of my dad leaned over a table struggling to put together my brother's new remote control car.  It was so awesome and I was so jealous, but it made that Christmas amazing!  And dad was SO frustrated.  Hehe.

Then I remember our Christmas dinner.  Oh that heavenly seafood!  See, most people celebrate with a ham or turkey.  Our family celebrates with this wonderful concoction that I don't even have a name for.  It has crab, shrimp, lobster, and it is similar to a chowder texture.  We pour the seafood over toasted, buttered bread cups and it is a match made in heaven.  Partnered with green beans almondine and cheddar bay biscuits, the meal is perfect.

Then I would think of Oma. She's been gone 5 years now.  We still talk about her when we are playing the games.  She cheated all the time and we just loved trying to catch her at it!  She always liked to have a fire going in the fireplace and had 3 blankets on her.  We still go to ask her what she wants to drink sometimes when setting the table.

Finally, I settle on last Christmas.  D's family came to visit for Christmas and it was awesome!  We took them to see San Francisco, had Christmas at my parents, went hiking, and played a LOT of card games!  It was stressful at times, but it was so totally worth it!

I am looking forward to adding more memories this Christmas.

The Spirit of the Season

We can argue from here to eternity about what holiday we are celebrating and what day it should be on, or for once, we can step back and look at the bigger picture.  To me, it does not matter if it is Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, The Solstice, Yule, or anything else.  To me, it is all in the spirit of the season.  The spirit of the season should be love, kindness, helping those in need, treating others better than you treat yourself, and simply connecting with the rest of you community.  So much of that spirit has been lost. 

But we can fix it.  A dear friend of mine made her Christmas wish tonight.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  When asked what she wanted to Christmas, she said this:

"I can always answer a cure for Cancer or more time with my beloved husband, kids, family, and friends but we all pretty know that the third time is not a charm in my case. I want presents from ALL of my Facebook Friends both near and far and it won't cost you a thing. Go out of your way to do something nice for someone, stranger even, for no financial gain. This is your challenge! It can be as easy as taking a elderly person's shopping cart back. My [XX]st Birthday is Saturday so you have until them."

I have taken on her challenge, and now I challenge anyone who reads this.  Saturday is December 28th.  Go out of your way to do something nice for someone for no financial gain.  You know the acts of kindness we are looking for. Share your experiences in the comments!

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Pick Me Ups!

I spent the last week super down.  Once again, I felt miserable and found it difficult to really do anything at all.  On Wednesday, I literally stayed in bed all day.  After that, I knew I had to force myself to do some stuff.  I knew that being productive would fight against my depression.  I knew just getting out of the house would help elevate my mood.  I knew contact with the outside world would feed my soul.  The rough part is when you know all that, but your body does not want to move.  Sometimes it feels like you are almost paralyzed.  Other times, it feels like you have 1,000 pounds pressing down on you.  Getting out of that state can happen dozens of ways, but once you do, you are so grateful.  

For me, it was commitments.  No matter how depressed I was, my drive to keep my commitments was stronger.  For me, it was pre-planning.  I knew that sometime around the end of November, I start to take a slide.  The amount of daylight greatly affects my moods (SAD).  Armed with this knowledge, I purposely made commitments around this time of the year that would maximize my chances of fighting off the depression.  

So Thursday, I had an appointment that I simply would not cancel.  I went to that appointment, and even though I seriously struggled through it, I left just a little less depressed.  My first step to make winter easier.  Since I was already out, I decided to run some errands because I knew the second I got home, I was not going out again.  This resulted in me being productive, which increased my mood more!  Friday, I had an appointment with my therapist, another pre-planned strategy.  I would not cancel that appointment either.  

Finally, my cake topper.  When I was given the opportunity to join a kickball charity tournament 5 weeks ago, I knew this was on my list of things to do more of and I knew I would never cancel the opportunity to give back.  That event was this weekend.  Friday, I drove to the hotel and got settled.  Then the awesomeness began.  Saturday was the tournament.  Saturday brought rain, including a few downpours and butt-puckering cold wind.  Simply put, it was miserable.  The turnout was amazing though!  Everyone brought their A game. 

 

That's me with the clipboard. I had on tights, two pairs of pants, three shirts, a sweatshirt, the jacket, and two pairs of socks.  I'll be damned if I am going to let the cold keep me from playing.

Rain!  Rain!  Go Away!

"The Bench"

  Then, the clouds parted.  Literally and figuratively.  The sun shined on through and we flipped!  Everyone started having a blast and there was so much laughter.  The cameras came out and all craziness broke loose!  It was just what this soul needed.  By the end of the festivities, I had risen money to give back to my community, had a blast, felt productive, loaded up on vitamin D while outside, and tied it all together with soul-renewing friends.  My weekend was complete. 

 

                           Chicks with Kicks!                             Suspender Hotties!

Finding the Support that is Right for You

Some days, the world just doesn't level out in the morning the way you would like it to.  Maybe you didn't sleep we'll the night before or you woke up feeling cruddy. Maybe your body has aches or pains somewhere or the fog of depression or anxiety settles over you. Or maybe things just don't feel right. Not because something is actually wrong; just things don't feel right either. 

Now, it is true that thinking positively can help elevate your mood and get you through a rough day, but what about those days when you just can't see the positive?  The days when the fog is so thick that you can't see the good ahead of you? That you can't see the potential the day holds?  That is when you need your circle of support. 

Everyone's support circle looks different. For me, part of my support comes from a handful of friends who I know I can turn to. I know they will call me out when negativity is eating me alive.  I know I can call on them to vent my frustrations, opening the path to see good again. I know they will ask me that difficult question that we rarely answer honestly, especially to strangers, "How are you today?" They don't buy into the standard automatic response of "fine" or "ok."  

Yesterday, as I whined about my headache and lack of sleep, my support circle stepped in and reminded me to stop, take a breath, and observe all my blessings. Yesterday, I found out my little circle had grown. A new friend stepped up and reminded me that not all was lost and there were things to be thankful for. She cleared the fog from my vision and reopened my eyes and I am grateful for her friendship. 

What does support look like for you? Is your support friends? Family? Medical professionals? Strangers? Coworkers? Maybe even a pet? All of these are acceptable. Everyone's support looks different. There is no magic formula for what helps you keep going every day. What is important though is that you have that support. If you don't have anyone you can trust to be honest with you or that you can confide in, find someone.  Join a support group.  Find a recreational sports group. Recruit friends and family that you are comfortable with. Explore the option of a therapist or counselor. Find that safe haven where you can let your guard down and be brutally honest with yourself and/or someone else.  Then, expand from there. After all, we don't want to overwhelm our support. One person can only carry so much of your load.  Spread it between multiple people and everyone is more comfortable and productive. 

And if you don't know if you can venture out and start your support network, start here, with me and my readers. This is a no judgement zone. Ask questions, share your feelings, needs, and struggles. If posting in the comments here is too much, send me a private email.  We all need someone sometime. Let's help each other.