Taking a Moment to Feel

This last week has been rough on me and my body.  Selling a house as fast as possible requires a lot of work.  Every day this week, I have woken up and hit the ground running.  The amount of stuff we accomplished this week feels unbelievable, but we did it.  The house is sparkling, bright, and open.  It went on the market yesterday.  And after a week of moving furniture, packing boxes, pulling weeds, fixing a few things around the house, painting, tutoring/working, and telling all my students and their families that I am moving, I am absolutely exhausted.

Physically, everything hurts and is sore.  I have bruises all over and my joints ache.  The funny part though is that it feels good.  It feels good that my body is well enough to accomplish all those tasks.  It feels good to know I have the resources and capacity to pull off the seemingly impossible feat.  But that feeling becomes bittersweet when I think about how much I love this house.  It is sad to think that we won't be here for much longer.  We had always intended on going back to Tucson, and I am excited for the new adventure, but we had planned to raise our future children in this house.  The picture was so clear, but the scenery now has to change.

So tonight, I am taking a moment to feel.  To feel the excitement and the loss, the joy and the sadness, the relief and the frustration, and all the other emotions that come with a major life course alteration.  Tonight, I am taking a moment to reflect on me.

This Is Me, Take It or Leave It

Caution:  This may confuse the hell of out you.  Welcome to my spinning stream of consciousness.  Have fun!

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Someone asked me the other day why I write this blog.  Honestly, there is no simple, single answer.  This blog exists for several reasons.  The first reason I began it was to show the world that not all people who have Bipolar Disorder are maniacs who go shooting up malls and schools.  There are thousands of us who seek treatment for our disorder and lead healthy, productive lives, yet people shy away from us when they find out we have a "mental illness."  But this blog has turned into much more. 

Sometimes, it is my sounding board; my place to vent when everything seems to be going against me.  Other times, I use it to announce to the world something that just blew my mind!  There are days when I feel like all I can do is help people, so I share some of that information and tips on here as well.  And finally, it is also partly my diary.  

When I write here, I am both writing to you, my audience, but also to myself.  For better or worse, I put myself out here for learning.  I want my readers to learn to see beyond the stereotypes, beyond your own fears, beyond insecurities, and open up to another view.  So many people see things only one way in this world, and they forget that there are thousands, even millions, of different aspects to any situation.  Don't assume that your way is the only correct way.  

Anyway, I am getting off track.  What I want you to know is that when I write here, this is me and what I tell you comes from my heart.  Sometimes I am crass, but can't we all be sometimes?  Sometimes I am all pixies and rainbows!  Isn't that nice?  And sometimes I am so far down that I can't even see that the sky is blue anymore.  What you "see" is what you get.  You get to witness a small part of my mind that gives hints to how I think, react, feel.  

Heck, you might even get to "watch" me work through a revelation or idea.  Like right now, I am questioning why I am writing this post?  Do I feel like I need to validate myself?  Do I have to explain what I write?  I shouldn't have to.  It should be implied that these are my thoughts and experiences.  On one hand, I don't want to care what you think about me or any of that, but on the other hand, I have times where I really hope you won't judge me.  I have reasons for my actions, feelings, opinions.  Rather than jumping to conclusions, engage me in conversation.  Ask me.  I will answer nearly anything.  You may be shocked at what I would answer. 

Bah!  And there my mind goes again.  I'm good at tangents.  Long story short, this is me.  Take it or leave it. 

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And this is where I went back to the top to put a caution label on this post.  Ha!  I wanna keep writing and sharing.  Feel free to stop reading at any time. 

So this is really late at night, Sunday morning.  I have been "sick" for 10 days.  I put sick in quotes because I haven't really felt "sick" by the usual definition.  No.  What I have had for the last 10 days is this insanely horrible headache.  It was so bad at times I could not see anything but fuzz.  I also was sleeping 12-14 hours a day and still needed a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon.  Now luckily, the last two days have brought some relief.  My energy is finally coming back, though slowly.  I wake up rested now after 9 or 10 hours and I can  though I find myself tired in the afternoon, I can still function.  The headache has receded significantly in the last 2 days and now it is coming and going instead of constant.  When it is present, I can function through it. 

And you know what?  The docs still don't know what the heck is/was wrong with me.  Yea, they don't know.  I had a CT scan, an EKG, and some bloodwork done.  All came back acceptable. All they have been able to tell me inflammation of my left sinuses.  Well, no shit Sherlock.  I have allergies and they have been bad lately!  But why?  Why am I still having these problems when I am on allergy shots, have a nasal spray, AND take Zyrtek daily?  /rant end

But now, after 10 days, my mood is seriously starting to suffer.  I feel the walls closing in, feeling more like a cage rather than a shelter.  Trying to stay positive while feeling miserable is exhausting.  I don't have the energy to fight it anymore right now.  Hopefully I can have some energy soon to take me out of the house for something fun, not just the necessities like grocery shopping and the pharmacy.  

I need some fun soon or this hole is gonna be tough to crawl out of.