Here we are ladies and gents. New Year's Eve, 2013. For many, this is a time of reflection on the year past, while others focus on the year to come. I prefer to do both.
Looking back on 2013 requires revisiting both the bad times and the good. It was my first full year in San Diego. The holiday season of 2012 came at the same time as my move to San Diego, making the start of my life here very turbulent. To say the least, I was utterly miserable at the beginning of 2013. I was exhausted from school, from student teaching, from hosting holiday dinners and traveling for others. My poor health management caught up with me and I came down with a nasty bug that felt like it was the end. I had no friends here, no job, and no motivation. After living on my own for 18 months, I had to acclimate to sharing my living space with my husband again. It wasn't just my way anymore. I had to consider someone else again. It was a rough adjustment.
Somehow though, that low point merely acted as a springboard for a phenomenal year. My incredibly patient and loving husband did not fret when my moods were all over the place. Never one did he falter in his support. When I finally figured out what I thought I needed to improve the situation, he did not hesitate to help make it happen. He was there holding my hand the whole time.
As I navigated this new territory, I found myself as a long-term substitute. Although the experience was challenging beyond imagination, it was also extremely rewarding. However, the job had to come to an end. I continued to substitute with various schools and tutor on the side. I met amazing people and fostered valuable network connections. Yet I still felt disconnected from the life I was living.
I found myself traveling, a lot. Traveling is not a bad thing. In fact, it is amazing if done for the right reasons. My best friend helped me realize I was not helping myself though. My travels weren't just for vacation and to visit friends. My travels were more about me running away to more comfortable situations than trying to build my life in San Diego. I realized if I was ever going to be happy here, I needed to dig in and make it happen.
Then came kickball. I never thought that a schoolyard game could change my life, my outlook. Kickball filled that vital piece I needed to grow...friendship and community. I had a reason to leave the house. I had people to celebrate accomplishments with. I made some wonderful friends. I didn't feel so alone and isolated anymore, and this gave me strength to launch into the world here. Even when things were rough, I had people I could call on now.
Now, I have opportunities to give back to my community and charity. My tutoring business has continued to grow and my network grows more every day. As 2013 comes to a close, 2014 is shining bright ahead. My chapter of emotional struggle is giving way to a chapter of motivation and determination. This new chapter will bring many challenges as I work to start my new school, increase my fitness, and continue improving my diet and overall being. I look forward to more opportunities to give back to my community and neighbors. And hopefully, I look forward to welcoming a child into our home.
2013, Thank you for the lessons you taught me and the strength you built in me, but our time is now down. 2014, Bring it on!
Bipolar Musings of my life, humor, health, family, friends, and beliefs.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Taking Care of Yourself First
I honestly don't know what it is, but people love to talk to me. They come to me with their dreams, their fears, their problems, and their celebrations. They come to me when they are sad and no one else understands or they can't figure out what it is they are feeling. What do I do? I listen. I take it all in, then I respond. This response may simply be a hug and a reassurance that I am always there to talk to. It may be a vote of support or encouragement, or I may give some advice, but I rarely sugarcoat things. In return, I now have several close friends who I trust to tell me the truth, even when I don't like it. It is especially frustrating when they use my own advice against me. In this case, the advice is:
This is one of the pieces of advice I hand out on nearly a daily basis. So many times, we put the needs of others ahead of ourselves. The result is exhaustion and illness which manifests in the inability to take care of those things you saw as more important. For example, you have to work to pay for the house over your family's heads and to put food on the table. You are super stressed out and tired because you have been losing sleep over an important project or task. In fact, this task is so important, that you can't possibly consider taking a couple hours off work to refresh yourself and relax. After all, you have to bring home that paycheck and those 2 or 3 hours just can't be sacrificed.
The problem is the stress lowers your immune system and lack of sleep only exacerbates the problem. Guess what happens next. If you thought "you get sick," you are right! You didn't take care of yourself, so your body couldn't maintain peak efficiency and now you are sick. Only, an illness rarely lasts a mere 2 or 3 hours. Instead, that time you were afraid of "wasting" has now become 2 or 3 days instead of 2 or 3 hours. I don't know about you, but even when I push through illness, I am rarely more than half as productive as I am healthy. So instead of losing 2 or 3 hours for refreshing and relaxing, I am losing the equivalent of 2 or 3 half days by being sick. Assuming you work 8 hour days and your production is about half what it should be, you just lost 8-12 hours of production compared to 2-3 hours. Congratulations! You quadrupled your down time!
Well, running the numbers, it makes sense to do the 2 or 3 hours. So what is the problem? Emotions. Feelings of guilt, longing, sadness, jealousy, and fear keep up from doing what we know is healthiest for us. Fear of disappointing a boss, coworker, or family member; guilt from not helping a friend in need; sadness that you might miss something fun or exciting; jealousy that someone else can just go and go and never wear down; a longing to meet an unhealthy version of a perfect you.
Today, I stayed in bed all day and played on the internet and studied. I pushed my body farther than normal the past 4 days and I could feel the results in stiff and sore joints. Emotionally, there was a lot of crappy news that hit also. I knew my body and mind needed the break to recharge, but when a friend called on my help, I found myself torn. One of the things that I both love and hate about myself is my incredible desire to fix everything for everyone. That quality directly conflicts with my need to rest. Though I believe I did the right thing in taking the day to recharge, I feel incredibly guilty I was unable to help that friend today. Taking care of yourself is not the easiest thing to do, but it is something that has to be done and I am actively trying to live my own advice.
"You have to take care of yourself if you want to care for anyone else."
This is one of the pieces of advice I hand out on nearly a daily basis. So many times, we put the needs of others ahead of ourselves. The result is exhaustion and illness which manifests in the inability to take care of those things you saw as more important. For example, you have to work to pay for the house over your family's heads and to put food on the table. You are super stressed out and tired because you have been losing sleep over an important project or task. In fact, this task is so important, that you can't possibly consider taking a couple hours off work to refresh yourself and relax. After all, you have to bring home that paycheck and those 2 or 3 hours just can't be sacrificed.
The problem is the stress lowers your immune system and lack of sleep only exacerbates the problem. Guess what happens next. If you thought "you get sick," you are right! You didn't take care of yourself, so your body couldn't maintain peak efficiency and now you are sick. Only, an illness rarely lasts a mere 2 or 3 hours. Instead, that time you were afraid of "wasting" has now become 2 or 3 days instead of 2 or 3 hours. I don't know about you, but even when I push through illness, I am rarely more than half as productive as I am healthy. So instead of losing 2 or 3 hours for refreshing and relaxing, I am losing the equivalent of 2 or 3 half days by being sick. Assuming you work 8 hour days and your production is about half what it should be, you just lost 8-12 hours of production compared to 2-3 hours. Congratulations! You quadrupled your down time!
Well, running the numbers, it makes sense to do the 2 or 3 hours. So what is the problem? Emotions. Feelings of guilt, longing, sadness, jealousy, and fear keep up from doing what we know is healthiest for us. Fear of disappointing a boss, coworker, or family member; guilt from not helping a friend in need; sadness that you might miss something fun or exciting; jealousy that someone else can just go and go and never wear down; a longing to meet an unhealthy version of a perfect you.
Today, I stayed in bed all day and played on the internet and studied. I pushed my body farther than normal the past 4 days and I could feel the results in stiff and sore joints. Emotionally, there was a lot of crappy news that hit also. I knew my body and mind needed the break to recharge, but when a friend called on my help, I found myself torn. One of the things that I both love and hate about myself is my incredible desire to fix everything for everyone. That quality directly conflicts with my need to rest. Though I believe I did the right thing in taking the day to recharge, I feel incredibly guilty I was unable to help that friend today. Taking care of yourself is not the easiest thing to do, but it is something that has to be done and I am actively trying to live my own advice.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Just Give a Little Boost
Rant Warning: I know, I know. My first post in what feels like forever and it is a rant. If you don't want to read this, guess what. You don't have to!
There once was a time when my dad and I were at odds over how to handle my Bipolar Disorder. He was of the belief that all you have to do is think positive and you will be positive. Although this is an excellent starting point for most people, it is not always the end all, especially for someone with an invisible illness. It doesn't matter if the illness is something like bipolar or depression, or if it is physical like Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis. Plain and simple, mind over matter does not cure everything, and quite frankly, it is one of the quickest ways to piss someone off when they have an invisible illness.
Think about it. Have you ever had something happen to you physically or mentally that nobody else could see, but it was still there, hurting? Maybe it was when a close friend or family member died. Maybe you were sick and someone said you were faking it and no one could figure out what was wrong for a while. Maybe it was a migraine. How about those with nerve pain, muscle weakness, or even cancer? How did you feel when someone told you to just snap out of it or think positive and it will get better? I am betting it felt pretty crappy. And if you have never felt this degrading feeling, just take my word for it and shut your trap. You don't know every person's journey. You don't know the baggage they carry. Stop being so damn cynical and believe someone for once when they tell you they don't feel well.
Now I bet you are wondering why I am ranting about this. Well, I made a comment about how I will always be at doctor's offices until they find a cure for my illnesses. The response asked why do I bother if it can't be cured anyway? Well because I have to be able to function every day. Then this person blew me off and said that I can function just fine. What people don't see is how I let myself wince when they can't see me; how I hobble across the room in the morning because my body is so stiff until I shower; how tears fill my eyes when I once again can't open my own damn jar; how I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by my friends; how I take a handful of pills every morning and night just so I can put on that brave face when it hurts so bad to move but I make myself walk normal; how when I stop taking those pills, I literally cannot get out of bed, even if the damn house was on fire; how I recite positive mantras to myself every morning and night to help maintain my mental abilities. Yes, I function damn well on most occasions, but it is because of a million little things I make sure to do each day to make sure I can at least fake it every day.
So before you reply to me after I mention some ailment I have, consider this. Either 1) this load is just too much to handle on my own right now and I have to let some of it out or I will completely lose it, or 2) I consider you a very close friend that I can trust to handle me with care when I let my guard down and let you see the real me. So don't feed me crappy lines like "Think positive and you will BE positive!" I've tried that shit and sometimes it just doesn't work. Instead, stop listening with your ears and start listening with your heart, like my dad did. After a particularly rough night when my dog ran away, my dad and I had a very intense and passionate conversation. He finally listened to the message behind the words and not just the words. He realized that I am not motivated the same way as my mom and brother. He has to take a softer approach with me. Instead of going drill sergeant, offer a helping hand and encouragement. Chances are all I need is a small boost.
There once was a time when my dad and I were at odds over how to handle my Bipolar Disorder. He was of the belief that all you have to do is think positive and you will be positive. Although this is an excellent starting point for most people, it is not always the end all, especially for someone with an invisible illness. It doesn't matter if the illness is something like bipolar or depression, or if it is physical like Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis. Plain and simple, mind over matter does not cure everything, and quite frankly, it is one of the quickest ways to piss someone off when they have an invisible illness.
Think about it. Have you ever had something happen to you physically or mentally that nobody else could see, but it was still there, hurting? Maybe it was when a close friend or family member died. Maybe you were sick and someone said you were faking it and no one could figure out what was wrong for a while. Maybe it was a migraine. How about those with nerve pain, muscle weakness, or even cancer? How did you feel when someone told you to just snap out of it or think positive and it will get better? I am betting it felt pretty crappy. And if you have never felt this degrading feeling, just take my word for it and shut your trap. You don't know every person's journey. You don't know the baggage they carry. Stop being so damn cynical and believe someone for once when they tell you they don't feel well.
Now I bet you are wondering why I am ranting about this. Well, I made a comment about how I will always be at doctor's offices until they find a cure for my illnesses. The response asked why do I bother if it can't be cured anyway? Well because I have to be able to function every day. Then this person blew me off and said that I can function just fine. What people don't see is how I let myself wince when they can't see me; how I hobble across the room in the morning because my body is so stiff until I shower; how tears fill my eyes when I once again can't open my own damn jar; how I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by my friends; how I take a handful of pills every morning and night just so I can put on that brave face when it hurts so bad to move but I make myself walk normal; how when I stop taking those pills, I literally cannot get out of bed, even if the damn house was on fire; how I recite positive mantras to myself every morning and night to help maintain my mental abilities. Yes, I function damn well on most occasions, but it is because of a million little things I make sure to do each day to make sure I can at least fake it every day.
So before you reply to me after I mention some ailment I have, consider this. Either 1) this load is just too much to handle on my own right now and I have to let some of it out or I will completely lose it, or 2) I consider you a very close friend that I can trust to handle me with care when I let my guard down and let you see the real me. So don't feed me crappy lines like "Think positive and you will BE positive!" I've tried that shit and sometimes it just doesn't work. Instead, stop listening with your ears and start listening with your heart, like my dad did. After a particularly rough night when my dog ran away, my dad and I had a very intense and passionate conversation. He finally listened to the message behind the words and not just the words. He realized that I am not motivated the same way as my mom and brother. He has to take a softer approach with me. Instead of going drill sergeant, offer a helping hand and encouragement. Chances are all I need is a small boost.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Help Us Start a Family!
I know I haven't posted anything recently and I apologize for that. With work and school, I just got out of the habit. A quick update on things.
D has been working with a new startup computer game company and things are going great! He is loving his job and the process is really starting to ramp up now. As for me, I have been substituting like mad! I have had work every day I have wanted it. For the last 9 weeks, I have been on a long-term substitute job teaching 8th grade physical science. It has been a mix of amazing awesomeness and incredible WTF moments. I am telling you what. Middle school kids have some very strange logic. But the teachers I work with and the administration have been nothing but supportive and it has been a wonderful experience!
Next week is my last week as a long-term sub. I am then giving myself a much needed week off and going back to Tucson to see my girls receive their diplomas and visit my friends, one of which has this adorable little girl that I must cuddle and snuggle and sniff and quite possibly steal away! Hehe.
Speaking of little ones, I wanted to share our latest adventure with you. Hubby and I are officially working on the adoption process. The problem is that it is soooooooo freakin expensive. As such, we are doing everything we can to try to raise the $20k+ we have to come up with to start our family. If you are able and willing to donate to our cause, we would greatly appreciate it. Even a dollar helps us get that much closer. Thank you for being such loyal readers and friends!
D has been working with a new startup computer game company and things are going great! He is loving his job and the process is really starting to ramp up now. As for me, I have been substituting like mad! I have had work every day I have wanted it. For the last 9 weeks, I have been on a long-term substitute job teaching 8th grade physical science. It has been a mix of amazing awesomeness and incredible WTF moments. I am telling you what. Middle school kids have some very strange logic. But the teachers I work with and the administration have been nothing but supportive and it has been a wonderful experience!
Next week is my last week as a long-term sub. I am then giving myself a much needed week off and going back to Tucson to see my girls receive their diplomas and visit my friends, one of which has this adorable little girl that I must cuddle and snuggle and sniff and quite possibly steal away! Hehe.
Speaking of little ones, I wanted to share our latest adventure with you. Hubby and I are officially working on the adoption process. The problem is that it is soooooooo freakin expensive. As such, we are doing everything we can to try to raise the $20k+ we have to come up with to start our family. If you are able and willing to donate to our cause, we would greatly appreciate it. Even a dollar helps us get that much closer. Thank you for being such loyal readers and friends!
Monday, May 30, 2011
The Model of a Life Well-Lived
Today, I said goodbye to a person very dear to me. I laughed and I cried. If you knew him, you would understand why. A father-figure, a friend, a family member, a brother, a father, a confident, a roll model, and a husband. Gary Granico. He touched the hearts of many and he enriched the lives of so many more. He lived life to the fullest and never backed down. He was the first with a wise-crack and never left your side. He showed me the model of a well-lived life.
I met Gary through my brother playing baseball. Gary's son and my brother ended up on the same little league baseball team. Gary and my dad bonded instantly. I believe I was about 10 at the time. From there, it grew into a blending of families involving baseball, fudgesicles, nights at Straw Hat Pizza, and BBQs, just to be followed by ties that bind as strong as blood, camping and houseboat trips, nights on the town, and family parties. Yes, our families became close. To my brother and I, a second father. To my dad, a brother.
A long-time vet of the Airforce, we fittingly said goodbye to Gary on this Memorial Day. May he rest in peace.
To help you get a feeling for how special this guy is, here are some words from friends who wrote in the guest book:
May 27, 2011
Debbie, John, Jeana, Linda, Toni Lynn & Family.
Gary was my cousin and my friend. He had a gift that if you were his friend you were his family. There was always 7 steps to Gary. I admired that he would color outside the lines, because that's who he was and he was endeared for being himself. He was a giver and his lust for life was contagious. I have so many fond memories of being in Chester with Gary and the rest of our cousins.
He will be missed by all. The world has lost a ray of sunshine.
Your Loving Cousin,
Joan
May 27, 2011
rest in peace Gary.
~
don babcock,
sutter creek, California
May 27, 2011
Gary, you will be truly missed. It was a pleasure knowing, working, and playing with you. I have many fond memories of you and will truly miss you. R.I.P. my brother.
~
Michael Foley,
a.k.a. Foo Foo,
Salida, California
May 27, 2011
Gary was my sons little league coach in Rosemont. He was a great guy and had a great passion for coaching all of our kids. I will miss seeing him at that the local pizza parlor (straw hat). As they say " only the good die young". Gary will be missed by a lot of people in the Rosemont area.
~
The Cobb family.
May 27, 2011
We love you Gary and will miss your contagious laugh and your humongous smile! Life will not be the same without you but we know you are now at peace and out of pain. Love Jon, Kylie, and Abigail
~
Kylie Villalva (Latimer),
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Please accept my most heartfelt sympathies for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with your family during this difficult time.
~
Alissa Morotti,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Debbie, John, Jeana and the Granico & Cheek families,My heart is filled with sadness at the loss of Gary. He really was a remarkable person. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
~
Denise Pellerin-Johnson,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Toni and Linda and family. I'm so sorry for your loss. In my teenage years I received the name " Baby Stowe" from Gary. He made a big impact in my life. He was a big brother figure to me, gave me advice and let me know I did matter in this world, he made me fill special. He opened his home to me when I needed a place to live, and eat and sleep. I have lots of good, fun and crazy memories with Gary that will always make me laugh, especially rafting trips down the American River. He was good man. God Bless you and your family. You are all in my Thoughts.
~
Lisa Gentry ( Baby Stowe)
May 27, 2011
Gary the things i learned from you and the good talks we had i will never forget. Spring training, Chester and most of all coaching. we had some great times. Thank you for everything.
~
Sid Lucero,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Gary was not only every young man who went through Rosemont Little League's mentor and coach but like a father as well. He touched many lives and left a mark and a place in their heart.
"The coach's main job is 20 percent technical and 80 percent inspirational."
~Franz Stampfl
God Bless you Debbie, John and Jeana for sharing Gary (dad) with us all!
~
Teresa and J.P. Savage,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
We are sorry to hear about your loss. Our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with your family during this difficult time. God is now taking care of Gary for he was a good father, husband, and a friend to all he met.
Winnie, Jeni, Maria, Susan and Tere
~
Winnie Cooper,
Rocklin, California
May 27, 2011
Gary was my cousin and my friend. Anyone who was his friend they became his family. He was a wonderful husband and caring Dad. He appreciated all the colors this world had to offer. Debbie, John, Jeana, Linda, Toni, & Family, wishing you comfort and love during this sad time.
~
Your Cousin Joan
May 27, 2011
Dear Toni and Linda --- I am so sorry to hear about Gary's passing. He will be missed. He was always one of my favorite childhood friends. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.
~
Love, Sharon Dorsey
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Hey Bud - We are so glad our paths crossed with yours in this life! You were definitely one in a million and we think you knew at least a milliion people! You will be missed by them all. There's one thing that has to be said, it was always amazing how the tenor of a room, the garage, the golf course or where ever you were, changed when you showed up. Thanks for being our friend Gary and having us in your life...you will never be fogotten. God bless you and your family. Rest in peace my friend! Mike and Susan Levitt
May 27, 2011
Granico Family, I am so sorry for your loss. Gary was an inspiration to many young kids who were a part of Rosemont Little League. He always made my son Justin laugh and gave him more confidence than any other baseball coach. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
~
Debbie Smith,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Gary
I will miss you old friend, I truly enjoyed our days at Hiram Johnson (Class of '69). R.I.P.
~
Pat Dowden,
Loomis, California
May 27, 2011
Debbie, John, Jeana, Gary was not only the best Husband, Father and Family man, he was also a great friend. He is now with God and others we have lost recently. My heart and prayers go out to all of your family. We will truely miss him in our lives.
~
Kathy, Keith Jouganatos
May 27, 2011
Our heartfelt condolences go out to the entire Granico family. We will all miss Gary and his fun ways deeply. He was a great, friend, mentor and coach to a lot of us. We had many fun adventures coaching baseball and having post games talks over a brew or two (most likely more…lol). The Chester fishing trips to Lake Almanor were the best. I still remember Gary’s face when Kenny Rogers, Rodney and I pulled up to his gasless boat on the lake with fuel. Priceless! Thanks Gary for all the fun times!
~
Stefan OConnor,
Rosemont, California
May 27, 2011
I was shocked when my mom called to tell me about Gary. I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected at time like this. One of my first thoughts were of Larry, he would have been heart broken to have experienced this loss. Hopefully he and Gary are somewhere starting their on Fantasy Football League, smokin' a cigars and talkin' sports!!! My heart aches for all of you. Gary was a great guy, always a joy to be around. Hold on to your memories they will keep you strong.
~
Paula Alvarado Smith.
May 28, 2011
Granico Family,
Our deepest symapthy for your loss. My God bless you and your family during this sad time. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!
~
Rico & Antoinette Morotti,
Gold River, California
May 28, 2011
Debbie,John,Jeana,Linda,Toni Lyn,I am So sorry for the loss of Gary. I have fond memories of Gary's younger days. He was loving and a delite to be with. The memories of Chester will always be with me.He will be missed.
Love and God Bless. We will meet again Gary.
~
Love you, Aunt Jo
May 28, 2011
I am very saddened to hear about Gary's passing. It has been so many years since I last saw him as I moved out of the area but I always think about him. Gary was a great friend and an inspiring teammate. Not only was he a great coach and teacher of the game but a tremendous player. He was a big part of our "Express" Softball family. We had so much fun together and I will always remember his smile, his laugh and his gold glove. I miss you "Snake" and will always cherish the great times we had. May God Bless you, watch over you and give you peace!
~
TC Martin,
Green Bay, Wisconsin
May 28, 2011
It's raining in seattle! The yankees are in town! I never saw anyone play third base or shortstop, better than Gary! What a glove. lucky
~
larry pirch,
seattle, Washington
May 28, 2011
MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN ETERNAL PEACE
~
ED JONES,
SACRAMENTO, California
May 28, 2011
My heart is broken but I know you are free and not in pain any more. Thank you for always being there for me...good times and bad. I know you and Doug have a line in the water and a beer in your hand. Love you my brother.....Shorty
~
Shorty
May 28, 2011
I knew when I first saw Gary and signed up for Baseball that this guy was a special guy. What I didn't know, was how much Gary would touch me and my Family.
It has been said that you are fortunate if, in a lifetime, you can meet enough great people to count on one hand. In my lifetime I have had the opportunity to meet alot of people both business and leisure.I also think I am fortunate to have many friends, but Gary Granico was my "One Hander". He stands as one of those men you can count on one hand.
As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet " He was a man. Take him for all and all. We shall not look upon his like again."
Rest in peace my Brother you will be thought of every day.
~
Mike Hamburg
May 29, 2011
Peace to you Gary, you are so sweet.
~
Laura Bishop,
Roseville, California
May 29, 2011
the world will stop spinning!
i'm a little lost for words this morning!
but i thought of this..
god will blink.. the world will stop spinning and baseball will bow their heads and tip their hats...
ug
~
USAF gonnella,
scottsdale, Arizona
May 29, 2011
hello im eric gunnarson gary/ snake and i were best friends back in the day my heart is very sad i cried i havent seen or will ever c gary again 4 30 years we all had nick names mine was trout im sorry i or we never had time to get together i only know in my heart he was a great man i remember the times we had as friends and i will cherish those times im sorry 4 your lose i dont know u but in my heart i feel your pain thats the wrong word i feel your lose only know we were friends u can ask others of me miles and time seperate friends the last time i saw gary it was as if we had never been apart 30 years ago i loved him as my brother and we were we just went different ways in life to his family i say im sorry and if u wish u can call me id like that 778 886 6029 im in canada GOD bless u all garys friend gunnar
~
eric gunnarson,
blaine, Washington
May 29, 2011
Our time shared as baseball dads was much appreciated by me and will always be remembered. Your and Debbie's kindnesses toward Steven are not forgotten. You are missed.
~
Glenn Thompson
May 30, 2011
Gary was there for the lives and deaths of my Great Grandfather, Great grandmother and Great Uncle. He will always be remembered, by me, as a kind, worm hearted Man, who was always there in a time of need.
Thank you for all you've ever done for my Family, Gary. You will be missed by many. We love you.
~
Kayla Kardokus,
Rancho Cordova, California
May 30, 2011
My prayers go out to the family and friends of Gary. I was in Turkey with Gary and played ball with him. Very sad to hear he is gone. God bless him.
~
Dennis Avery,
Litchfield, Michigan
May 30, 2011
Gary, thanks for the memories. The many nights at Crabshaw listening to the 'Skins' will stay with me always.....
~
Norm Longtin,
Omo Ranch, California
.
I met Gary through my brother playing baseball. Gary's son and my brother ended up on the same little league baseball team. Gary and my dad bonded instantly. I believe I was about 10 at the time. From there, it grew into a blending of families involving baseball, fudgesicles, nights at Straw Hat Pizza, and BBQs, just to be followed by ties that bind as strong as blood, camping and houseboat trips, nights on the town, and family parties. Yes, our families became close. To my brother and I, a second father. To my dad, a brother.
A long-time vet of the Airforce, we fittingly said goodbye to Gary on this Memorial Day. May he rest in peace.
 | |||
| Gary "the Snake" Granico |
August 28, 1951 - May 24, 2011
Born August 28, 1951 in Sacramento to Tony and Jean Granico. Gary passed away on May 24th surrounded by his loving family. He is survived by Debbie, his devoted wife of 29 years, his son John, and his daughter Jeana. He was the brother of Linda and Toni, the uncle of Zack, Cason, and Shawn, and the brother in law of Jeri and Mike. Gary served in the USAF for 4 years and retired after 40 years of service from the Dept. of Defense. His greatest passions besides his family were fishing and coaching more little leaguers than we can count. He was blessed with many lifelong friends that will miss him dearly.
To help you get a feeling for how special this guy is, here are some words from friends who wrote in the guest book:
May 27, 2011
Debbie, John, Jeana, Linda, Toni Lynn & Family.
Gary was my cousin and my friend. He had a gift that if you were his friend you were his family. There was always 7 steps to Gary. I admired that he would color outside the lines, because that's who he was and he was endeared for being himself. He was a giver and his lust for life was contagious. I have so many fond memories of being in Chester with Gary and the rest of our cousins.
He will be missed by all. The world has lost a ray of sunshine.
Your Loving Cousin,
Joan
May 27, 2011
rest in peace Gary.
~
don babcock,
sutter creek, California
May 27, 2011
Gary, you will be truly missed. It was a pleasure knowing, working, and playing with you. I have many fond memories of you and will truly miss you. R.I.P. my brother.
~
Michael Foley,
a.k.a. Foo Foo,
Salida, California
May 27, 2011
Gary was my sons little league coach in Rosemont. He was a great guy and had a great passion for coaching all of our kids. I will miss seeing him at that the local pizza parlor (straw hat). As they say " only the good die young". Gary will be missed by a lot of people in the Rosemont area.
~
The Cobb family.
May 27, 2011
We love you Gary and will miss your contagious laugh and your humongous smile! Life will not be the same without you but we know you are now at peace and out of pain. Love Jon, Kylie, and Abigail
~
Kylie Villalva (Latimer),
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Please accept my most heartfelt sympathies for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with your family during this difficult time.
~
Alissa Morotti,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Debbie, John, Jeana and the Granico & Cheek families,My heart is filled with sadness at the loss of Gary. He really was a remarkable person. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
~
Denise Pellerin-Johnson,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Toni and Linda and family. I'm so sorry for your loss. In my teenage years I received the name " Baby Stowe" from Gary. He made a big impact in my life. He was a big brother figure to me, gave me advice and let me know I did matter in this world, he made me fill special. He opened his home to me when I needed a place to live, and eat and sleep. I have lots of good, fun and crazy memories with Gary that will always make me laugh, especially rafting trips down the American River. He was good man. God Bless you and your family. You are all in my Thoughts.
~
Lisa Gentry ( Baby Stowe)
May 27, 2011
Gary the things i learned from you and the good talks we had i will never forget. Spring training, Chester and most of all coaching. we had some great times. Thank you for everything.
~
Sid Lucero,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Gary was not only every young man who went through Rosemont Little League's mentor and coach but like a father as well. He touched many lives and left a mark and a place in their heart.
"The coach's main job is 20 percent technical and 80 percent inspirational."
~Franz Stampfl
God Bless you Debbie, John and Jeana for sharing Gary (dad) with us all!
~
Teresa and J.P. Savage,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
We are sorry to hear about your loss. Our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with your family during this difficult time. God is now taking care of Gary for he was a good father, husband, and a friend to all he met.
Winnie, Jeni, Maria, Susan and Tere
~
Winnie Cooper,
Rocklin, California
May 27, 2011
Gary was my cousin and my friend. Anyone who was his friend they became his family. He was a wonderful husband and caring Dad. He appreciated all the colors this world had to offer. Debbie, John, Jeana, Linda, Toni, & Family, wishing you comfort and love during this sad time.
~
Your Cousin Joan
May 27, 2011
Dear Toni and Linda --- I am so sorry to hear about Gary's passing. He will be missed. He was always one of my favorite childhood friends. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.
~
Love, Sharon Dorsey
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Hey Bud - We are so glad our paths crossed with yours in this life! You were definitely one in a million and we think you knew at least a milliion people! You will be missed by them all. There's one thing that has to be said, it was always amazing how the tenor of a room, the garage, the golf course or where ever you were, changed when you showed up. Thanks for being our friend Gary and having us in your life...you will never be fogotten. God bless you and your family. Rest in peace my friend! Mike and Susan Levitt
May 27, 2011
Granico Family, I am so sorry for your loss. Gary was an inspiration to many young kids who were a part of Rosemont Little League. He always made my son Justin laugh and gave him more confidence than any other baseball coach. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
~
Debbie Smith,
Sacramento, California
May 27, 2011
Gary
I will miss you old friend, I truly enjoyed our days at Hiram Johnson (Class of '69). R.I.P.
~
Pat Dowden,
Loomis, California
May 27, 2011
Debbie, John, Jeana, Gary was not only the best Husband, Father and Family man, he was also a great friend. He is now with God and others we have lost recently. My heart and prayers go out to all of your family. We will truely miss him in our lives.
~
Kathy, Keith Jouganatos
May 27, 2011
Our heartfelt condolences go out to the entire Granico family. We will all miss Gary and his fun ways deeply. He was a great, friend, mentor and coach to a lot of us. We had many fun adventures coaching baseball and having post games talks over a brew or two (most likely more…lol). The Chester fishing trips to Lake Almanor were the best. I still remember Gary’s face when Kenny Rogers, Rodney and I pulled up to his gasless boat on the lake with fuel. Priceless! Thanks Gary for all the fun times!
~
Stefan OConnor,
Rosemont, California
May 27, 2011
I was shocked when my mom called to tell me about Gary. I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected at time like this. One of my first thoughts were of Larry, he would have been heart broken to have experienced this loss. Hopefully he and Gary are somewhere starting their on Fantasy Football League, smokin' a cigars and talkin' sports!!! My heart aches for all of you. Gary was a great guy, always a joy to be around. Hold on to your memories they will keep you strong.
~
Paula Alvarado Smith.
May 28, 2011
Granico Family,
Our deepest symapthy for your loss. My God bless you and your family during this sad time. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!
~
Rico & Antoinette Morotti,
Gold River, California
May 28, 2011
Debbie,John,Jeana,Linda,Toni Lyn,I am So sorry for the loss of Gary. I have fond memories of Gary's younger days. He was loving and a delite to be with. The memories of Chester will always be with me.He will be missed.
Love and God Bless. We will meet again Gary.
~
Love you, Aunt Jo
May 28, 2011
I am very saddened to hear about Gary's passing. It has been so many years since I last saw him as I moved out of the area but I always think about him. Gary was a great friend and an inspiring teammate. Not only was he a great coach and teacher of the game but a tremendous player. He was a big part of our "Express" Softball family. We had so much fun together and I will always remember his smile, his laugh and his gold glove. I miss you "Snake" and will always cherish the great times we had. May God Bless you, watch over you and give you peace!
~
TC Martin,
Green Bay, Wisconsin
May 28, 2011
It's raining in seattle! The yankees are in town! I never saw anyone play third base or shortstop, better than Gary! What a glove. lucky
~
larry pirch,
seattle, Washington
May 28, 2011
MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN ETERNAL PEACE
~
ED JONES,
SACRAMENTO, California
May 28, 2011
My heart is broken but I know you are free and not in pain any more. Thank you for always being there for me...good times and bad. I know you and Doug have a line in the water and a beer in your hand. Love you my brother.....Shorty
~
Shorty
May 28, 2011
I knew when I first saw Gary and signed up for Baseball that this guy was a special guy. What I didn't know, was how much Gary would touch me and my Family.
It has been said that you are fortunate if, in a lifetime, you can meet enough great people to count on one hand. In my lifetime I have had the opportunity to meet alot of people both business and leisure.I also think I am fortunate to have many friends, but Gary Granico was my "One Hander". He stands as one of those men you can count on one hand.
As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet " He was a man. Take him for all and all. We shall not look upon his like again."
Rest in peace my Brother you will be thought of every day.
~
Mike Hamburg
May 29, 2011
Peace to you Gary, you are so sweet.
~
Laura Bishop,
Roseville, California
May 29, 2011
the world will stop spinning!
i'm a little lost for words this morning!
but i thought of this..
god will blink.. the world will stop spinning and baseball will bow their heads and tip their hats...
ug
~
USAF gonnella,
scottsdale, Arizona
May 29, 2011
hello im eric gunnarson gary/ snake and i were best friends back in the day my heart is very sad i cried i havent seen or will ever c gary again 4 30 years we all had nick names mine was trout im sorry i or we never had time to get together i only know in my heart he was a great man i remember the times we had as friends and i will cherish those times im sorry 4 your lose i dont know u but in my heart i feel your pain thats the wrong word i feel your lose only know we were friends u can ask others of me miles and time seperate friends the last time i saw gary it was as if we had never been apart 30 years ago i loved him as my brother and we were we just went different ways in life to his family i say im sorry and if u wish u can call me id like that 778 886 6029 im in canada GOD bless u all garys friend gunnar
~
eric gunnarson,
blaine, Washington
May 29, 2011
Our time shared as baseball dads was much appreciated by me and will always be remembered. Your and Debbie's kindnesses toward Steven are not forgotten. You are missed.
~
Glenn Thompson
May 30, 2011
Gary was there for the lives and deaths of my Great Grandfather, Great grandmother and Great Uncle. He will always be remembered, by me, as a kind, worm hearted Man, who was always there in a time of need.
Thank you for all you've ever done for my Family, Gary. You will be missed by many. We love you.
~
Kayla Kardokus,
Rancho Cordova, California
May 30, 2011
My prayers go out to the family and friends of Gary. I was in Turkey with Gary and played ball with him. Very sad to hear he is gone. God bless him.
~
Dennis Avery,
Litchfield, Michigan
May 30, 2011
Gary, thanks for the memories. The many nights at Crabshaw listening to the 'Skins' will stay with me always.....
~
Norm Longtin,
Omo Ranch, California
.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Learning Who My *Real* Friends Are
Ever thought you knew someone, and then one day you find out they totally aren't who you thought they were? Ever thought you could count on someone and then when you really needed them, they weren't there? That was my night last night. I needed a friend, and I chose to take a chance and call on someone and they weren't there. Then when they finally showed up, well, lets just say I was disappointed. A very dear friend is dying and I get to hear about how parts of my life are screwed up. Yea. Helpful. Oh if they only knew all the shit I did for them and the crap I went through.
Today, I have a migraine, so I went back to bed to take a little nap and I am woken up by a text message from this same person essentially saying I screwed up somehow and I am now written out of their life forever. Do you think they tell me what it was I did? No. Do you think they give me a chance to refute whatever accusation is going on here? No. Do you think they respond when I ask what the hell I did this time? No.
Well guess what. I don't give a damn anymore. I do not have the mental or emotional energy to deal with this kind of childish bull shit anymore. I have more important things in my life to deal with. I have a husband who was laid off and is looking for a new job. I have school that is kicking my ass because I am taking double classes right now. I am having sinus surgery in a week. I have rheumatoid arthritis that I have to manage without one of my medications because of that surgery. I have a dear family friend, someone who is family despite the lack of blood relation, who I have known since I was 8, who is dying of lung cancer and may be leaving this world any day now. I have a best friend who I fear is on the verge of collapse because of all the shit she has going on in her life. I have my own insecurities and esteem issues to deal with. So you wanna write me off without telling me what I did? Fine. Good riddance. Have a nice life, cause I don't give a good God damn anymore.
.
Today, I have a migraine, so I went back to bed to take a little nap and I am woken up by a text message from this same person essentially saying I screwed up somehow and I am now written out of their life forever. Do you think they tell me what it was I did? No. Do you think they give me a chance to refute whatever accusation is going on here? No. Do you think they respond when I ask what the hell I did this time? No.
Well guess what. I don't give a damn anymore. I do not have the mental or emotional energy to deal with this kind of childish bull shit anymore. I have more important things in my life to deal with. I have a husband who was laid off and is looking for a new job. I have school that is kicking my ass because I am taking double classes right now. I am having sinus surgery in a week. I have rheumatoid arthritis that I have to manage without one of my medications because of that surgery. I have a dear family friend, someone who is family despite the lack of blood relation, who I have known since I was 8, who is dying of lung cancer and may be leaving this world any day now. I have a best friend who I fear is on the verge of collapse because of all the shit she has going on in her life. I have my own insecurities and esteem issues to deal with. So you wanna write me off without telling me what I did? Fine. Good riddance. Have a nice life, cause I don't give a good God damn anymore.
.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day - Don't Be Lazy Big Spender
Today is Valentine's Day. Florists, confectioners, and gift companies make millions of dollars on this day - all in the name of love. And you know what? I hate it.
I know most people who don't like Valentine's Day are single people. I used to be that single person who hated Valentine's Day and swore the only reason it existed was so people in relationships could rub it in the face of single people, but now I am married to one of the most caring, understanding men I have ever met. And guess what...I still don't like Valentine's Day. Want to know why? If you don't, then go away. Otherwise, read on! hehe.
Now, let me begin by saying I fully support the idea behind Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate love, but the intentions are not always so good now. I could say the main reason I don't like Valentine's Day is because of what corporate America has done to the holiday. What was once a celebration of love is now an excuse for retailers to try and steal our wallets and pummel us with what they think Valentine's Day should look like - filled with expensive jewelry and chocolate.
Like I said, I could say that was the main reason I don't like today. But my dislike goes to a more emotional level. Blame it on the Pisces in me. My great dislike for this day actually goes to the celebration of love and relationships. Yes, yes. I can hear you now. "But Alicia, you just said you fully support the idea behind Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate love." That is correct, I do. However, this day has made us lazy. Now that there is an "official" day to show you love someone, we seem to forget we should show we care all year long.
We all do the obligatory "I love you" as we walk out the door for work or errands or whatever, but how often do you stop and really say it like you mean it? How often do you look the person in the eye and say it the way you really feel it? How often do you buy your significant other a card that says you care? How often do you bring them even a single flower? And how many women believe that it is all the responsibility of the man to do this stuff? Guess what girls. You Are WRONG!! That's right, guys like to know you really care too. Sure, a card or flower might seem cheesy to give to a guy, but if you do it in private, even the "manliest" man will appreciate the intention behind it.
And while we are going down this path, there is one more thing. Who the hell said that showing you cared required spending money? Does the guy who gives a $500 necklace really love his woman more than the guy who just makes breakfast in bed or prepares a nice home-cooked dinner by candlelight because that is all they can afford? Hell no. In fact, I think that says way more than some damn necklace. Something that has some thought put into it that you couldn't just pick up at the store on the way home is much nicer.
So what did we learn today?
Valentine's Day shouldn't be a once a year deal. Show how much you care all throughout the year.
You don't have to spend money to say I love you and make your significant other feel all warm and fuzzy.
Girls - It's not all about you! Guys need to know you care too! Pull the stick out of your ass.
And to my Valentine, my family, and my friends, I love you with every fiber of my being. Thank you for being mine.
.
I know most people who don't like Valentine's Day are single people. I used to be that single person who hated Valentine's Day and swore the only reason it existed was so people in relationships could rub it in the face of single people, but now I am married to one of the most caring, understanding men I have ever met. And guess what...I still don't like Valentine's Day. Want to know why? If you don't, then go away. Otherwise, read on! hehe.
Now, let me begin by saying I fully support the idea behind Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate love, but the intentions are not always so good now. I could say the main reason I don't like Valentine's Day is because of what corporate America has done to the holiday. What was once a celebration of love is now an excuse for retailers to try and steal our wallets and pummel us with what they think Valentine's Day should look like - filled with expensive jewelry and chocolate.
Like I said, I could say that was the main reason I don't like today. But my dislike goes to a more emotional level. Blame it on the Pisces in me. My great dislike for this day actually goes to the celebration of love and relationships. Yes, yes. I can hear you now. "But Alicia, you just said you fully support the idea behind Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate love." That is correct, I do. However, this day has made us lazy. Now that there is an "official" day to show you love someone, we seem to forget we should show we care all year long.
We all do the obligatory "I love you" as we walk out the door for work or errands or whatever, but how often do you stop and really say it like you mean it? How often do you look the person in the eye and say it the way you really feel it? How often do you buy your significant other a card that says you care? How often do you bring them even a single flower? And how many women believe that it is all the responsibility of the man to do this stuff? Guess what girls. You Are WRONG!! That's right, guys like to know you really care too. Sure, a card or flower might seem cheesy to give to a guy, but if you do it in private, even the "manliest" man will appreciate the intention behind it.
And while we are going down this path, there is one more thing. Who the hell said that showing you cared required spending money? Does the guy who gives a $500 necklace really love his woman more than the guy who just makes breakfast in bed or prepares a nice home-cooked dinner by candlelight because that is all they can afford? Hell no. In fact, I think that says way more than some damn necklace. Something that has some thought put into it that you couldn't just pick up at the store on the way home is much nicer.
So what did we learn today?
Valentine's Day shouldn't be a once a year deal. Show how much you care all throughout the year.
You don't have to spend money to say I love you and make your significant other feel all warm and fuzzy.
Girls - It's not all about you! Guys need to know you care too! Pull the stick out of your ass.
And to my Valentine, my family, and my friends, I love you with every fiber of my being. Thank you for being mine.
.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Pieces of Me and You
Ever thought you knew someone, then something happened that made you question that friendship? You want to believe, and in a way you do, but then there is that doubt stuck in the back of your mind that you just can't shake.
That's where I am at right now. I don't know what to believe anymore. All I know is my feelings are hurt, my heart aches, and my spirit feels broken. See, I don't call people friends lightly. If you are a friend, I care about you, and your words can hurt me easily. If you are an acquaintance, I wouldn't give a second thought to this crap. And yet, I still want to believe, but to believe would mean two opposite realities exist. So someone is lying, I don't know who, and it's breaking my heart because the only thing that hurts worse than being honest with me and hurting my feelings, is being lied to and not trusting me to forgive.
.
That's where I am at right now. I don't know what to believe anymore. All I know is my feelings are hurt, my heart aches, and my spirit feels broken. See, I don't call people friends lightly. If you are a friend, I care about you, and your words can hurt me easily. If you are an acquaintance, I wouldn't give a second thought to this crap. And yet, I still want to believe, but to believe would mean two opposite realities exist. So someone is lying, I don't know who, and it's breaking my heart because the only thing that hurts worse than being honest with me and hurting my feelings, is being lied to and not trusting me to forgive.
.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Out With the Old, In With the New
2010 was an awesome year for me. It came with some challenges and I met them well. I beat even my best expectations for myself and then made some new ones that are going even better. Here is a brief recap of the last 365 days:
In January, I hired and trained my replacement at University of the Pacific. It was heart-breaking to say goodbye to all my friends and co-workers I had met over the previous 5 years, but I felt the most awesome opportunities lay ahead of me in Arizona where my husband had started working at his dream job.
In February, I made the final trek to our new home in Tucson, AZ. Though I was excited about the changes, I was scared. Would I be successful? Would I survive away from the friends and family I had been with for the last 10 years? Time would tell.
Once in Tucson, I wanted to make sure to continue my journey to better health and happiness. To do so, I joined a gym and got a new personal trainer since I had to leave my my favorite trainers behind in Stockton (Lance and Denny with CBPT).
Once everything was finally situated in Tucson, I signed up to get back to the school books! I finally have the chance to focus 100% on school and get this teaching degree DONE!
I started school and found I loved the program at University of Phoenix. Admittedly, I don't always like the fact I have to work in teams, but I at least understand the concept behind it. After moving to a bigger apartment, I finally started meeting some people who would turn out to be great friends. Seeing as making friends was one of my biggest concerns, this was a huge feat for me.
As time would go on, I would learn more of the city, learn more things to do, get involved in my community through volunteer work, meet wonderful people who offered superb opportunities, make great friends, and learn I am a much stronger person than I gave myself credit for. Even as my health issues have piled up in the last month or two, I am still holding strong with the support of those around me who love me.
To each and every one of you who had supported me at one time or another, thank you. It is because of you that I am who I am today and I can accomplish my dreams.
And what exactly are my dreams for 2011? To buy a house, to start a family, to get my rheumatoid arthritis back under control, and to blog more! But above all those dreams, I truly only have two New Year's Resolutions: Make time for what makes me happiest and say goodbye to the things that don't. May 2011 be my happiest year yet. :)
.
In January, I hired and trained my replacement at University of the Pacific. It was heart-breaking to say goodbye to all my friends and co-workers I had met over the previous 5 years, but I felt the most awesome opportunities lay ahead of me in Arizona where my husband had started working at his dream job.
In February, I made the final trek to our new home in Tucson, AZ. Though I was excited about the changes, I was scared. Would I be successful? Would I survive away from the friends and family I had been with for the last 10 years? Time would tell.
Once in Tucson, I wanted to make sure to continue my journey to better health and happiness. To do so, I joined a gym and got a new personal trainer since I had to leave my my favorite trainers behind in Stockton (Lance and Denny with CBPT).
Once everything was finally situated in Tucson, I signed up to get back to the school books! I finally have the chance to focus 100% on school and get this teaching degree DONE!
I started school and found I loved the program at University of Phoenix. Admittedly, I don't always like the fact I have to work in teams, but I at least understand the concept behind it. After moving to a bigger apartment, I finally started meeting some people who would turn out to be great friends. Seeing as making friends was one of my biggest concerns, this was a huge feat for me.
As time would go on, I would learn more of the city, learn more things to do, get involved in my community through volunteer work, meet wonderful people who offered superb opportunities, make great friends, and learn I am a much stronger person than I gave myself credit for. Even as my health issues have piled up in the last month or two, I am still holding strong with the support of those around me who love me.
To each and every one of you who had supported me at one time or another, thank you. It is because of you that I am who I am today and I can accomplish my dreams.
And what exactly are my dreams for 2011? To buy a house, to start a family, to get my rheumatoid arthritis back under control, and to blog more! But above all those dreams, I truly only have two New Year's Resolutions: Make time for what makes me happiest and say goodbye to the things that don't. May 2011 be my happiest year yet. :)
.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
On To a Better Day...And Maybe a Better Title??
It is always a challenge when things don't go quite right and external factors affect your best laid plans. It is even more difficult when the unfortunate events involve emotions that can damage friendships you thought were strong, and make you question things you thought you knew about yourself.
The last few days have been a time of learning for me. If you know anything about me at all, you should know how I hate, hate, HATE drama. You should also know how I try to avoid conflict like the plague. Yes, I am one of those people who prefers to stick their head in the sand and wait for it to go away rather than deal with a problem head on. You can now imagine why I had so many problems with relationships in the past.
So when a conflict began to develop between a group I am part of, my automated response is pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe say a couple things that wouldn't ruffle too many feathers, gloss over the situation til we get over this hump, and hope for the best going forward. Unfortunately, this just caused things to steam, simmer, boil, then basically explode. Way to go Alicia. Your method of dealing with conflict is soooooooooo effective.
Then, because of my conflict adverse nature, all the pressure was put on a good friend to solve everything. I felt horribly bad about it, still do, because she has her own crap to deal with. I know I should have a better backbone than I do, but unless it is through typed words, I just plain suck at dealing with confrontation. On paper or through email, I kick ass at it. In person or on the phone, I fold like a piece of tin foil. Lesson one: Just how bad I am at conflict resolution in person.
Another thing you should know about me - stress is a HUGE bipolar trigger for me. This whole situation caused an incredible amount of emotional stress on me. On top of that, it is winter, my worst season of the bipolar year. Add the drama to the winter blues I have been fighting and it results in an emotionally unstable Alicia. I should have put up a sign on my door that says "CAUTION: Unstable environment. Downpours of tears and floods may occur." This may have prevented my neighbor from getting cranky, irritated looks from me yesterday, and it may have prevented another friend from being caught off guard with tears. Follow that with my hubby being pulled over for a registration issue that was supposed to be taken care of...yea...complete meltdown. Lesson two: My mask doesn't work as well when I am being overwhelmed with multiple things going wrong at once.
But then I found comfort in an unexpected place. When I went to apologize for blubbering all over my friend, I was instead reassured I had no reason to apologize. Life was just throwing crap at me like it does to everyone occasionally and I was just doing the best I could to deal with it. After a long talk and a few more tears, I was more comfortable with the situation. I was reminded of something that I know in my head but frequently forget - if these friendships are supposed to last, we will make it through this rough patch. If they aren't meant to last, I need to accept it and move forward because there are others out there I am missing out on by dwelling on things I can't control anymore. Either way, there is nothing I can do at this moment. Only time will tell. Lesson three: I have some really awesome people in my life. Lesson four: I have a really, really crappy memory...or maybe that should be Reminder One for my next post?
The important part of this though, I will survive and today is a new day...and so far, a better day too!
.
The last few days have been a time of learning for me. If you know anything about me at all, you should know how I hate, hate, HATE drama. You should also know how I try to avoid conflict like the plague. Yes, I am one of those people who prefers to stick their head in the sand and wait for it to go away rather than deal with a problem head on. You can now imagine why I had so many problems with relationships in the past.
So when a conflict began to develop between a group I am part of, my automated response is pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe say a couple things that wouldn't ruffle too many feathers, gloss over the situation til we get over this hump, and hope for the best going forward. Unfortunately, this just caused things to steam, simmer, boil, then basically explode. Way to go Alicia. Your method of dealing with conflict is soooooooooo effective.
Then, because of my conflict adverse nature, all the pressure was put on a good friend to solve everything. I felt horribly bad about it, still do, because she has her own crap to deal with. I know I should have a better backbone than I do, but unless it is through typed words, I just plain suck at dealing with confrontation. On paper or through email, I kick ass at it. In person or on the phone, I fold like a piece of tin foil. Lesson one: Just how bad I am at conflict resolution in person.
Another thing you should know about me - stress is a HUGE bipolar trigger for me. This whole situation caused an incredible amount of emotional stress on me. On top of that, it is winter, my worst season of the bipolar year. Add the drama to the winter blues I have been fighting and it results in an emotionally unstable Alicia. I should have put up a sign on my door that says "CAUTION: Unstable environment. Downpours of tears and floods may occur." This may have prevented my neighbor from getting cranky, irritated looks from me yesterday, and it may have prevented another friend from being caught off guard with tears. Follow that with my hubby being pulled over for a registration issue that was supposed to be taken care of...yea...complete meltdown. Lesson two: My mask doesn't work as well when I am being overwhelmed with multiple things going wrong at once.
But then I found comfort in an unexpected place. When I went to apologize for blubbering all over my friend, I was instead reassured I had no reason to apologize. Life was just throwing crap at me like it does to everyone occasionally and I was just doing the best I could to deal with it. After a long talk and a few more tears, I was more comfortable with the situation. I was reminded of something that I know in my head but frequently forget - if these friendships are supposed to last, we will make it through this rough patch. If they aren't meant to last, I need to accept it and move forward because there are others out there I am missing out on by dwelling on things I can't control anymore. Either way, there is nothing I can do at this moment. Only time will tell. Lesson three: I have some really awesome people in my life. Lesson four: I have a really, really crappy memory...or maybe that should be Reminder One for my next post?
The important part of this though, I will survive and today is a new day...and so far, a better day too!
.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Just Cruisin' Under the Surface
When I first started this blog, I had intended to share all the funny and amusing things that I come across in my life as well as promote the understanding of bipolar disorder. The strange part is that I never seem to remember I have a blog at those points in time. Instead, I post about being thankful for the wonderful things in life, regular events, and my various feelings and moods. In a way, this blog has become more of a personal journal than the amusement I had planning. Is this such a bad thing? I don't think so. See, this is still serving my original purpose. I have bipolar disorder and I want to promote understanding of it. By posting here, you get a very small glimpse into the thought processes of this bipolar mind. Don't you feel special?
The challenge now is spreading understanding of what is going on with me to those I interact with every day in my life. Many of the people I spend time with here in Tucson met me when I was in a bit of a mania. They are used to the fun, smiley, energetic, flirty, party girl. We would go out to the bar and drink and dance and have a good old time or play poker or any number of other things. Now I am hanging out in the slightly depressed area. Not badly depressed, just a little bit -- like a 2 or 3 out of 10 (with 10 as the worst) -- just enough to make it so I don't want to go out and when I do, that I don't get quite as much enjoyment out of things that I normally would. But that is the bipolar roller coaster ride and they will have to learn to love both parts of me...that is if I can take off the mask of everything is fine and stop making excuses for why I can't do something...
*hint: I'm really not as busy as I make myself out to be...
So, can you love both parts of me?
.
The challenge now is spreading understanding of what is going on with me to those I interact with every day in my life. Many of the people I spend time with here in Tucson met me when I was in a bit of a mania. They are used to the fun, smiley, energetic, flirty, party girl. We would go out to the bar and drink and dance and have a good old time or play poker or any number of other things. Now I am hanging out in the slightly depressed area. Not badly depressed, just a little bit -- like a 2 or 3 out of 10 (with 10 as the worst) -- just enough to make it so I don't want to go out and when I do, that I don't get quite as much enjoyment out of things that I normally would. But that is the bipolar roller coaster ride and they will have to learn to love both parts of me...that is if I can take off the mask of everything is fine and stop making excuses for why I can't do something...
*hint: I'm really not as busy as I make myself out to be...
So, can you love both parts of me?
.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Cherish every day
Some people come quietly into our lives and leave just as quietly, leaving little memory of them behind. There are no strong emotions and no teary goodbyes. Some people enter and change you more dramatically. They leave or heal a scar, and you know you will remember their presence forever, but there is only a slight sadness or relief when they move on. Then there are those who not only enter our lives, but they enter our hearts. Attachments are formed, traditions, and love. They become family. Shit hits the fan in your life or theirs, and the other comes running to help clean up the mess.
And then the day comes where the shit can't be cleaned off the walls anymore. The broken pieces can no longer be put back together. But you will try. Your family will run to their family and you will scrub and scrape like mad because life stinks sometimes and you hate the smell, but it remains.
A brother to my father. A second father to my brother. Family to us all. We may not be blood, but our two families are forever entwined. How do you stop scraping long enough to enjoy the short time you have left with them? How do you ignore the stink long enough to smile, laugh, and be thankful for the time you had with them? Now, how do you do this from 1200 miles away?
Stage 4.
6 months.
May the Lord bless us all and give our families comfort and joy.
.
And then the day comes where the shit can't be cleaned off the walls anymore. The broken pieces can no longer be put back together. But you will try. Your family will run to their family and you will scrub and scrape like mad because life stinks sometimes and you hate the smell, but it remains.
A brother to my father. A second father to my brother. Family to us all. We may not be blood, but our two families are forever entwined. How do you stop scraping long enough to enjoy the short time you have left with them? How do you ignore the stink long enough to smile, laugh, and be thankful for the time you had with them? Now, how do you do this from 1200 miles away?
Stage 4.
6 months.
May the Lord bless us all and give our families comfort and joy.
.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The higher they fly...
...the faster they fall. The same is true for the distance they fall, and I am falling pretty fast without knowing where I will stop.
A couple weeks ago I posted about my fun little roller coaster ride of bipolar hypo-mania. Well, that was the upside of the coaster, and now I am on the down-side. The problem is I don't know how my "new" friends here in Tucson will take it. I am blessed to have true friends who love and care for me all over the country. No matter what stupid ass thing I do, I know you will always be there, waiting to help me pick my stupid ass up off the ground. Luckily, I also feel like I have built some great relationships with some people here, but much of them were forged in "happy, happy, joy, joy, everything is freaking awesome and perfect and I can rule the world" Alicia. Now "I am sad and pathetic and not worth anyone's time and everyone is only friends with me cause they pity me and FML" Alicia has emerged. As you can imagine, the first version is a lot easier to be friends with than the second version. So what is the first thing I do when the latter Alicia comes around? I push people away naturally! Makes complete sense, right? DUH! Sigh.
So now these "new" friends are hearing go away, leave me alone, I'm not interested and even as I say this stuff, I think in my head, WTF are you doing Alicia? It's like word vomit - an uncontrollable spewing of words despite what the speaker actually wants to say. Word vomit is inevitably followed by seclusion because you can't believe what you just did and you can't take it back because then you just look fickle and indecisive or like you are playing games with people. Then I come here to spew word vomit all over my blog because it is the only place I seem to be able to speak even semi-coherently. Don't you feel special? You should, after all, I am actually helping you. See, I screw shit up so you know what NOT to do. I sacrifice for you, my blessed reader.
Now, what is the lesson here class? I hope you know because I'm not really sure. I just wonder whether these people know me well enough in such a short time to take what I say with a grain of salt while I am down, or if these newly formed relationships can survive the crap I am bound to put them through as I try to dig my way out of this darkness.
.
A couple weeks ago I posted about my fun little roller coaster ride of bipolar hypo-mania. Well, that was the upside of the coaster, and now I am on the down-side. The problem is I don't know how my "new" friends here in Tucson will take it. I am blessed to have true friends who love and care for me all over the country. No matter what stupid ass thing I do, I know you will always be there, waiting to help me pick my stupid ass up off the ground. Luckily, I also feel like I have built some great relationships with some people here, but much of them were forged in "happy, happy, joy, joy, everything is freaking awesome and perfect and I can rule the world" Alicia. Now "I am sad and pathetic and not worth anyone's time and everyone is only friends with me cause they pity me and FML" Alicia has emerged. As you can imagine, the first version is a lot easier to be friends with than the second version. So what is the first thing I do when the latter Alicia comes around? I push people away naturally! Makes complete sense, right? DUH! Sigh.
So now these "new" friends are hearing go away, leave me alone, I'm not interested and even as I say this stuff, I think in my head, WTF are you doing Alicia? It's like word vomit - an uncontrollable spewing of words despite what the speaker actually wants to say. Word vomit is inevitably followed by seclusion because you can't believe what you just did and you can't take it back because then you just look fickle and indecisive or like you are playing games with people. Then I come here to spew word vomit all over my blog because it is the only place I seem to be able to speak even semi-coherently. Don't you feel special? You should, after all, I am actually helping you. See, I screw shit up so you know what NOT to do. I sacrifice for you, my blessed reader.
Now, what is the lesson here class? I hope you know because I'm not really sure. I just wonder whether these people know me well enough in such a short time to take what I say with a grain of salt while I am down, or if these newly formed relationships can survive the crap I am bound to put them through as I try to dig my way out of this darkness.
.
Monday, September 6, 2010
What is Friendship?
So I recently moved to Tucson, AZ from California and by recently I mean about 7 months ago. The transition has been challenging to say the least but the overall experience has been good. I feel healthier and happier than I have in more than a decade. I can move freely with little to no pain from my rheumatoid arthritis, my allergies are manageable, and I have no recurring bouts of kidney stones, ovarian cysts, sinus infections, etc, etc. I no longer have to work full-time, though I choose to work part time and go to school to keep my mind active and thinking. I am getting to pursue my dream of becoming a teacher and I am finding the path more rewarding every day. Yet there is something still plaguing me.
Friendship. When I left California, though I did not have many friends (I can count them on one hand), I left behind the best friends that have ever entered my life (well technically, one left me first *ahem* Missy *cough*). They taught me how to laugh and live again after my divorce. They taught me what it truly means to be alive and the value of life and love. I could count on them for anything. Day or night, if I needed them, they were there. Now I am almost 1,000 miles away from them and while they are still there for me by phone and email and I love them dearly, it just isn't the same. They will always remain my family, but I can't just get up and go say hi to them when I feel like it.
To fill that lack of human connection, I actively started trying to meet people here in Tucson. There are several people who I like to think will become good friends, but as some of the relationships build, I find myself asking "What is friendship"? To me, friendship is calling or texting each other on the phone just to say hi, popping by to see what is new in each other's lives, and asking for and offering help to one another. A friend is someone you can ask for an onion and not feel uncomfortable about it because you know they will ask for a potato later. A friend is someone who will gladly take you in when you just don't feel like being alone. A friend is someone you miss if you haven't seen or talked to them in several days. A friend is someone who will give you a ride someplace because you have no way to comfortably get there.
So tell me then, you who I consider a friend (you know who you are, though I won't call you out by name because that is just rude and something a friend would NOT do), why won't you let me help you? Ever? Why do you find it surprising when I miss you? Why do you find it strange that I want to take care of you when you don't feel well? I like to think of us as friends, but perhaps you don't? Should I even try? Should I just give up on this friendship? I really don't want to.
So can you tell me what friendship is to you?
.
Friendship. When I left California, though I did not have many friends (I can count them on one hand), I left behind the best friends that have ever entered my life (well technically, one left me first *ahem* Missy *cough*). They taught me how to laugh and live again after my divorce. They taught me what it truly means to be alive and the value of life and love. I could count on them for anything. Day or night, if I needed them, they were there. Now I am almost 1,000 miles away from them and while they are still there for me by phone and email and I love them dearly, it just isn't the same. They will always remain my family, but I can't just get up and go say hi to them when I feel like it.
To fill that lack of human connection, I actively started trying to meet people here in Tucson. There are several people who I like to think will become good friends, but as some of the relationships build, I find myself asking "What is friendship"? To me, friendship is calling or texting each other on the phone just to say hi, popping by to see what is new in each other's lives, and asking for and offering help to one another. A friend is someone you can ask for an onion and not feel uncomfortable about it because you know they will ask for a potato later. A friend is someone who will gladly take you in when you just don't feel like being alone. A friend is someone you miss if you haven't seen or talked to them in several days. A friend is someone who will give you a ride someplace because you have no way to comfortably get there.
So tell me then, you who I consider a friend (you know who you are, though I won't call you out by name because that is just rude and something a friend would NOT do), why won't you let me help you? Ever? Why do you find it surprising when I miss you? Why do you find it strange that I want to take care of you when you don't feel well? I like to think of us as friends, but perhaps you don't? Should I even try? Should I just give up on this friendship? I really don't want to.
So can you tell me what friendship is to you?
.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Yea, I'm behind. Deal with it.
I would say that the last two weeks have been crazy busy, but if you are on my Facebook, you know I have posted "I'm bored" far too many times to rightfully claim the Busy Lady title. Instead, I will go with limbo. I have been in limbo the last couple weeks. I am caught in this weird oscillation between feeling good and being kinda down, but not really depressed.
More like I feel alone - alone in this big city and no one to really hang out with on a regular basis. Yes, I have been meeting people and spending time with them, getting to know them, but it isn't anything regular. You see, I have this problem. I am not an outgoing person. I have a really, really hard time going to someone's house, knocking on the door, uninvited, and saying "HEY! Wanna hang out?" I have a hard time calling someone up who I am not really close to and saying "HEY! Wanna go do something?" That's not who I am. I fear the rejection. I fear the person thinking I am too pushy or rude. I fear the person thinking I am too clingy or needy. I let what other people think of me matter far too much. Or rather, I let what I think other people think of me matter too much.
And that doesn't even start to touch on my speaking issue. My brain always seems to move far too slow when it counts so 10 minutes later I think "that's what I should have said!" Or I will plan out this whole conversation, then I knock on the door or get to the restaurant where we are meeting and POOF! Everything is gone out of my head and I am officially idiot material. Welcome to my world.
A friend who I have known for years online, but only met once in person and talked a couple times on the phone asked me, "How can you not make friends? You are so cute!" Well, I guess even if I am cute, I don't have the smile or personality that says "Talk to me because I don't know how to start a conversation and keep it going!" On the internet though, through email, IM, chat, blog, Facebook, and all those other online modes of communication, I freakin rock! Maybe it is because I can delete something before putting it out there. You can't really delete words that are already spoken aloud. Maybe because I have more time to think before responding. A quick wit is highly valued in spoken conversations and I just get too nervous with newer relationships to think wittily. Too busy with the "what ifs."
So yea, if you are a newer friend and you happen to read my blog, there's the deal. There is my downfall. So do a new friend a good deed and invite me out, cause I'm too chicken-shit to ask.
Who's idea what this whole "humans being social creatures" thing anyway? They are so fired.
.
More like I feel alone - alone in this big city and no one to really hang out with on a regular basis. Yes, I have been meeting people and spending time with them, getting to know them, but it isn't anything regular. You see, I have this problem. I am not an outgoing person. I have a really, really hard time going to someone's house, knocking on the door, uninvited, and saying "HEY! Wanna hang out?" I have a hard time calling someone up who I am not really close to and saying "HEY! Wanna go do something?" That's not who I am. I fear the rejection. I fear the person thinking I am too pushy or rude. I fear the person thinking I am too clingy or needy. I let what other people think of me matter far too much. Or rather, I let what I think other people think of me matter too much.
And that doesn't even start to touch on my speaking issue. My brain always seems to move far too slow when it counts so 10 minutes later I think "that's what I should have said!" Or I will plan out this whole conversation, then I knock on the door or get to the restaurant where we are meeting and POOF! Everything is gone out of my head and I am officially idiot material. Welcome to my world.
A friend who I have known for years online, but only met once in person and talked a couple times on the phone asked me, "How can you not make friends? You are so cute!" Well, I guess even if I am cute, I don't have the smile or personality that says "Talk to me because I don't know how to start a conversation and keep it going!" On the internet though, through email, IM, chat, blog, Facebook, and all those other online modes of communication, I freakin rock! Maybe it is because I can delete something before putting it out there. You can't really delete words that are already spoken aloud. Maybe because I have more time to think before responding. A quick wit is highly valued in spoken conversations and I just get too nervous with newer relationships to think wittily. Too busy with the "what ifs."
So yea, if you are a newer friend and you happen to read my blog, there's the deal. There is my downfall. So do a new friend a good deed and invite me out, cause I'm too chicken-shit to ask.
Who's idea what this whole "humans being social creatures" thing anyway? They are so fired.
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)