Oh the Places You'll Go!

Clearly I am not very good at keeping up with this blogging thing, but for those who still read, thank you!  And since you have been so dedicated, you get to see some amazing things coming up!

When we are kids, we often have big dreams and visions.  We imagine going to space, starting our own business, swimming with dolphins, curing cancer, being a rodeo clown, building something from scratch, and so much more.  Somewhere along the "growing up" cycle, we lose a lot of these dreams and visions.  We forget how to imagine the seemingly impossible.  So many fantastic ideas perish at the hand of adulthood, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Obviously one of my biggest projects is starting my own school.  I envision a small school that serves the needs of all its students.  Curriculum slows down or speeds up according to the student's skills and development.  Concepts are taught in a variety of ways to make the information accessible to all.  Life skills are incorporated throughout the skill career so that students learn to teach themselves and develop the skills needed to work through life after the "teacher" is gone.  All of this is wrapped up with real-world incorporation from business professionals who partner with the school to provide knowledge, experience, internships, observations, scenarios, and vision for the future.  Some of the largest strides in society have come from our youngest people.  The goal is to have my school open and accepting students by the summer, and already the interest is high!

As if creating this utopia of a school isn't enough, we have also been fumbling our way through the adoption process.  False starts and changes in course have altered our plans many times, but it feels like we are finally on the right track now.  It has been emotionally and financially taxing, but the experience is and will be worth it.  As we continue with the adoption process though, we have also found another option.  Our insurance covers infertility!  We will be beginning our conception journey at the same time as our adoption journey.  All of this comes together right after my sinus surgery in mid-April.

I know.  It sounds like a lot to accomplish in just a few months.  It also sounds like I am going to overwhelm myself when it is all written out, but here is the amazing part:  For the first time in my life, I feel like everything is exactly how it needs to be for success and I feel very little stress over the whole process.  I have faith in myself and in my spirituality.  I know that faith will carry me through to fulfillment of my dreams.  I know it may not be pretty, but everything will get done exactly as it needs to.  I can see it all so clearly that it already exists.  These dreams, goals, visions, or whatever you want to call them, they are me.  It feels like I found a huge piece of me that I didn't even know was lost.  I feel these are my missing puzzle pieces that I have found.

Now watch  me as I finish the picture...

To Feel Your Heart Break

Today, I have found myself incredibly distracted by all the things in my life that remind me we don't have children yet, and suddenly I am flooded with emotion.

D and I started trying to have children 5 1/2 years ago.  4 years ago, all the tests said our parts were working fine.  Unexplained infertility.  3 years ago, we decided to adopt instead of doing invitro.  2 years ago, we began researching.  1 year ago, we submit our first applications to a few agencies.  6 months ago, we decided to swallow our pride and start shamelessly asking people to help us realize our dream of giving an awesome family to a child in need.  Today, I cried.

I cried for the love that is just waiting to create a home for someone.  Infant, toddler, teen?  We would love them all.  I cried for the money we don't have to finance adopting.  It's not cheap.  Paying the lawyers, the social workers, the facilitators, lodging and expenses from the birth mother, and more adds up quickly.  It just doesn't seem right.  But I want a child.  I want to be that parent that loves and protects a child for the rest of his or her life.  But I have to wait.  I have to be patient.  Save up the money.  Collect donations if you can.  Take extra jobs if you can, either substituting or tutoring.  Keep expenses under control.

I have to be patient.

http://www.gofundme.com/ChinAdoption

Help Us Start a Family!

I know I haven't posted anything recently and I apologize for that.  With work and school, I just got out of the habit.  A quick update on things.

D has been working with a new startup computer game company and things are going great!  He is loving his job and the process is really starting to ramp up now.  As for me, I have been substituting like mad!  I have had work every day I have wanted it.  For the last 9 weeks, I have been on a long-term substitute job teaching 8th grade physical science.  It has been a mix of amazing awesomeness and incredible WTF moments.  I am telling you what.  Middle school kids have some very strange logic.  But the teachers I work with and the administration have been nothing but supportive and it has been a wonderful experience!

Next week is my last week as a long-term sub.  I am then giving  myself a much needed week off and going back to Tucson to see my girls receive their diplomas and visit my friends, one of which has this adorable little girl that I must cuddle and snuggle and sniff and quite possibly steal away!  Hehe.

Speaking of little ones, I wanted to share our latest adventure with you.  Hubby and I are officially working on the adoption process.  The problem is that it is soooooooo freakin expensive.  As such, we are doing everything we can to try to raise the $20k+ we have to come up with to start our family.  If you are able and willing to donate to our cause, we would greatly appreciate it.  Even a dollar helps us get that much closer.  Thank you for being such loyal readers and friends!

Nothing's right. I'm torn.

A couple weeks ago, I got great news.  Someone who has traveled the TTC path with me found out she was pregnant.  She had been pregnant before, but sadly it ended in miscarriage, so I was very excited to hear when she got pregnant again.  With the wonderful news though, there is always the worry that "it" will happen again.  Yesterday, I found "it" did.  It broke my heart to read the message.  Tears came to my eyes and I wished with all my might I could be there to hug her and reassure her that she would get through this. 

See, I love this group of TTC girls like they were my own sisters because we all get it.  Simply put, infertility sucks.  Miscarriages suck.  Having to take drugs and hormones to try to get pregnant and then have it not work sucks.  Yet, after the initial sadness of her heart-breaking news, I found myself thinking about my situation and I pondered a single question...

Would I rather go through the pain of never being able to conceive in the first place, or would I rather go through the joy of even just a few days with a life inside me, only to lose it a short time later?

My conclusion - they both suck giant monkey balls.


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Battle With the Sandman. Ouch. I Lost....Again.

So the last couple of weeks I have been fighting insomnia.  I am told it is something that often accompanies bipolar disorder.  It is a fact of my life.  It comes and goes.  Right now, it has returned for a visit and is showing no signs of returning from whence it came.  At first, it was just a matter of pride as I lay there thinking "I refuse to get up because I am not asleep yet.  I don't care if I have been laying here for three hours.  I. Will. Not. Get. Up."  And so I would lay there in bed, staring at the wall or the back of my eyelids, trying to make my mind go blank so I can bore myself to sleep until finally, somewhere around 5 or 6 am, I dose off, only to be woken a couple hours later by my husband's alarm clock saying it's 8am. 

"That's ok," I think.  "I can sleep in a little."  After all, I don't work so I don't have anything to do, right?  Yea.  Right.  Just when I start to dose off again (8:45-ish), my husband comes in and kisses me goodbye because he knows I freak out if I don't know when he is leaving.  I am now awake again and have to start this process all over.  At some point I dose off...again...and I sleep 'til around 10 when I wake up because the dog scratched herself and made her tags jingle.  I feel a little guilty because it already starts to feel like I am sleeping too late, but I talk myself into trying to go back to sleep because, again, I don't work so I don't have anything to do, right? 

Usually by this point I am exhausted so I fall asleep again almost immediately.  I wake up again around 11:30 or 11:45, and now I panic.  Holy crap.  I can't believe I let myself sleep half the day away!  What was I thinking?!  I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!!  And this is the point where I attempt to "spring" out of bed but it really ends up being this awkward stumbling in an attempt to get my legs functioning while not stepping on the dog and everything is a little fuzzy and hazy because I only got maybe 3 hours of truly restful, rejuvenating sleep. I then spend the rest of the day vaguely attempting to complete the tasks that seem so numerous, yet I usually only manage to get one, maaaaaaaybe two done.

Rinse, repeat.

Before you say anything about going to the doctor for help, yes, I have a prescription sleep aid that actually works really, really well.  The problem is that at some point this process went from pride to stubbornness.  As you may or may not know, my husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  We have been trying for quite some time actually.  In this process, I have either cut back or cut out any medication I can possible live without, without causing too much discomfort, ok, pain, in my life.  This includes the sleep aid.  So when I went from pride to stubbornness, my mind thinks, "Screw you insomnia!  I will not have you screw up my future child just because you don't feel like letting me sleep.  SCREW. YOU!"  But you see, insomnia doesn't have feeeeeelings.  It doesn't care when you yell at it.  It is relentless.  It is this mindless, feelingless thing that doesn't care what you say or do.  If conditions are not just right, forget it.  You aren't sleeping. 

Well finally the sleepless nights built on each other for so long that I finally broke down and took the damn sleep aid.  OH. MY. GOD.  I slept so well that I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.  The next day, that "spring" out of bed, really was a spring and I had the most productive day in a couple weeks.  But then the night came again.  I decided one more night of sleep aid can't be too horrible, so I popped another and once again, slept like a baby. 

Now it has been 3 nights of sleep aid and the figurative voice in my head is starting to get to me.  I know tonight is going to be another sleepless night.  I can feel it.  I should probably take another pill since these bouts usually last 2 or 3 weeks for me.  Yet, the voice keeps chastising me.  How could you put your possibly future child at risk like this?  Then the other side argues back how a mother who is not healthy or rested is no good to her child anyway.  Then the voice again - but what about side effects it could have on the child?  Then the other side - you have been told this sleep aid doesn't have huge risks like others.  Yes, there are risks, but not like really, really, bad and highly likely ones. 

And so the argument continues, but I know what side will ultimately win.  I will go to bed in hopes that the sandman will be kind to me tonight but knowing he will not.  I will lay in bed awake while my husband sleeps peacefully next to me.  Finally, 2 or 3 will roll around and I will give in and take a pill because I have appointments I have to actually be functional for.  But tomorrow night, I will deny myself the help simply because I will not have any appointments  and after all, I don't work so I don't have anything to do, right? 

Yea. 

Right.

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To Be a Mother

One of the things in life that has been on my mind lately is becoming a mother.  It has been quite a journey so far.  For those that are interested, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year now and it has been an interesting journey that carries many emotions.  This is a tale of those emotions.

It is always hard to know when, where, and to whom I should talk about this journey because the gamet of reactions from a person can be so vast.  Often when discussed with those who conceived their children so easily or "by accident," the reaction is to just relax, stop worrying, and it will happen when it happens.  Please, if you know of anyone who is having a hard time conceiving, DO NOT SAY THIS TO THEM!  There is nothing that can be more frustrating, disheartening, and upsetting.  Beyond that, in that one phrase that was meant to be helpful, and yes, we know you are "just trying to help," you just convinced us you are not a person to talk to about this journey. 

When in high school, and for some of us in junior high, it was drilled into our heads over and over again about "how easy" it is to become pregnant and how "it only takes once" to make a baby.  Well, guess what Ms. Sex Ed teacher, that's not true for everyone.  In fact, finding that out now is incredibly frustrating, especially when you see and hear of people every day who are getting pregnant while on drugs or drinking, those who know they are pregnant and don't take care of themselves, those who use and abuse others, and those who never wanted a child to begin with.  Somehow, someway, nature has deemed these people to be fit parents, while my financially stable and loving husband and I are not.  If this is meant to be a joke, nature has a messed up sense of humor.  However, believe it or not, I have moved past the stage of anger and frustration with the world and nature.  I know I will have children one day, whether they be natural, fostered, or adopted.  It is just a matter of when the powers-that-be deem it time.  Until then, practice makes perfect, right?  Not to mention "practicing" is a whole lotta fun!  Hehe. 

In the meantime, as I take classes at the community college to fill up credits, I decided to take several on Child Development.  I have found each and every one of them incredibly enlightening.  While I think my parents did a freaking fantabulous job raising my brother and I, (afterall, I am pretty damn awesome aren't I?) I can only imagine how much more awesome we would be if they had known so many of the things I have learned in the last 9 months.  My favorite class so far is about "Positive Discipline."  Yes, discipline can be positive. 

The book we have been using can be found here: http://tinyurl.com/positivediscipline.  I encourage you to read it if you have children or work with children.  It has been an enlightening read and opened my eyes to so many different ways of thinking when it comes to teaching our children right from wrong, good from bad.  It has changed my opinion of using punishment of any sort, be it physical, verbal, or emotional.  While some who read this blog may not agree, I now believe that punishment can be avoided all together with patience, training, and positive discipline.  Can I be a positive disciplining parent all the time?  No.  I am human, I will make mistakes.  But mistakes can be a wonderful chance for learning and I look forward to the day that I get to make and learn from my mistakes.  I know I won't be a perfect parent, there is no such thing, but I hope that I can be as good as my parents were, just with different techniques. 

~ Fate's Mistress