This last week has been rough on me and my body. Selling a house as fast as possible requires a lot of work. Every day this week, I have woken up and hit the ground running. The amount of stuff we accomplished this week feels unbelievable, but we did it. The house is sparkling, bright, and open. It went on the market yesterday. And after a week of moving furniture, packing boxes, pulling weeds, fixing a few things around the house, painting, tutoring/working, and telling all my students and their families that I am moving, I am absolutely exhausted.
Physically, everything hurts and is sore. I have bruises all over and my joints ache. The funny part though is that it feels good. It feels good that my body is well enough to accomplish all those tasks. It feels good to know I have the resources and capacity to pull off the seemingly impossible feat. But that feeling becomes bittersweet when I think about how much I love this house. It is sad to think that we won't be here for much longer. We had always intended on going back to Tucson, and I am excited for the new adventure, but we had planned to raise our future children in this house. The picture was so clear, but the scenery now has to change.
So tonight, I am taking a moment to feel. To feel the excitement and the loss, the joy and the sadness, the relief and the frustration, and all the other emotions that come with a major life course alteration. Tonight, I am taking a moment to reflect on me.
Bipolar Musings of my life, humor, health, family, friends, and beliefs.
Showing posts with label self-talk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-talk. Show all posts
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Oh the Places You'll Go!
Clearly I am not very good at keeping up with this blogging thing, but for those who still read, thank you! And since you have been so dedicated, you get to see some amazing things coming up!
When we are kids, we often have big dreams and visions. We imagine going to space, starting our own business, swimming with dolphins, curing cancer, being a rodeo clown, building something from scratch, and so much more. Somewhere along the "growing up" cycle, we lose a lot of these dreams and visions. We forget how to imagine the seemingly impossible. So many fantastic ideas perish at the hand of adulthood, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Obviously one of my biggest projects is starting my own school. I envision a small school that serves the needs of all its students. Curriculum slows down or speeds up according to the student's skills and development. Concepts are taught in a variety of ways to make the information accessible to all. Life skills are incorporated throughout the skill career so that students learn to teach themselves and develop the skills needed to work through life after the "teacher" is gone. All of this is wrapped up with real-world incorporation from business professionals who partner with the school to provide knowledge, experience, internships, observations, scenarios, and vision for the future. Some of the largest strides in society have come from our youngest people. The goal is to have my school open and accepting students by the summer, and already the interest is high!
As if creating this utopia of a school isn't enough, we have also been fumbling our way through the adoption process. False starts and changes in course have altered our plans many times, but it feels like we are finally on the right track now. It has been emotionally and financially taxing, but the experience is and will be worth it. As we continue with the adoption process though, we have also found another option. Our insurance covers infertility! We will be beginning our conception journey at the same time as our adoption journey. All of this comes together right after my sinus surgery in mid-April.
I know. It sounds like a lot to accomplish in just a few months. It also sounds like I am going to overwhelm myself when it is all written out, but here is the amazing part: For the first time in my life, I feel like everything is exactly how it needs to be for success and I feel very little stress over the whole process. I have faith in myself and in my spirituality. I know that faith will carry me through to fulfillment of my dreams. I know it may not be pretty, but everything will get done exactly as it needs to. I can see it all so clearly that it already exists. These dreams, goals, visions, or whatever you want to call them, they are me. It feels like I found a huge piece of me that I didn't even know was lost. I feel these are my missing puzzle pieces that I have found.
Now watch me as I finish the picture...
When we are kids, we often have big dreams and visions. We imagine going to space, starting our own business, swimming with dolphins, curing cancer, being a rodeo clown, building something from scratch, and so much more. Somewhere along the "growing up" cycle, we lose a lot of these dreams and visions. We forget how to imagine the seemingly impossible. So many fantastic ideas perish at the hand of adulthood, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Obviously one of my biggest projects is starting my own school. I envision a small school that serves the needs of all its students. Curriculum slows down or speeds up according to the student's skills and development. Concepts are taught in a variety of ways to make the information accessible to all. Life skills are incorporated throughout the skill career so that students learn to teach themselves and develop the skills needed to work through life after the "teacher" is gone. All of this is wrapped up with real-world incorporation from business professionals who partner with the school to provide knowledge, experience, internships, observations, scenarios, and vision for the future. Some of the largest strides in society have come from our youngest people. The goal is to have my school open and accepting students by the summer, and already the interest is high!
As if creating this utopia of a school isn't enough, we have also been fumbling our way through the adoption process. False starts and changes in course have altered our plans many times, but it feels like we are finally on the right track now. It has been emotionally and financially taxing, but the experience is and will be worth it. As we continue with the adoption process though, we have also found another option. Our insurance covers infertility! We will be beginning our conception journey at the same time as our adoption journey. All of this comes together right after my sinus surgery in mid-April.
I know. It sounds like a lot to accomplish in just a few months. It also sounds like I am going to overwhelm myself when it is all written out, but here is the amazing part: For the first time in my life, I feel like everything is exactly how it needs to be for success and I feel very little stress over the whole process. I have faith in myself and in my spirituality. I know that faith will carry me through to fulfillment of my dreams. I know it may not be pretty, but everything will get done exactly as it needs to. I can see it all so clearly that it already exists. These dreams, goals, visions, or whatever you want to call them, they are me. It feels like I found a huge piece of me that I didn't even know was lost. I feel these are my missing puzzle pieces that I have found.
Now watch me as I finish the picture...
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Dream Big
I've got big dreams. Huge even. They are so big that sometimes I actually fear their success. But this is a demon I am learning to tame. I am learning to stop focusing on the bad things that *could* happen, and instead, focus on what I want to happen.
See, my dad is always giving me and my hubby stuff that he thinks will help us in some way or another. Books on healthy eating, advice from Dr. Oz, financial articles to read, etc. This time, he gave me a book. In the past, I would have conveniently not found time to read it. But this time, I figured why not. My dad is trying to help me and pass knowledge to me. I should honor him by checking it out. What I found was an incredibly inspiring story, captivating words, and focus.
The brain is a powerful thing. What we focus our thoughts on influences what happens in our future. We may think about what we don't want to happen, but that only puts that at the front of our mind so it is all we find. This goes back to the saying "Don't think about a red hammer." And what were you just thinking about? A red hammer. Instead, focus on what you want.
This is when my dreams started looking achievable. I am learning to build focus on what I want my life to look like. When I picture my life now, I zoom in on the details while maintaining view of my life as a whole. I can see part of my business incredibly clear now. I can picture exactly what I am doing in that moment in time and really feel my emotions of the time. Joy. Contentment. Love. As I wind down for the night and settle into bed, I picture what I want the next day to look like as if it is a guarantee that it will happen. It may be coincidence, but it has been pretty darn accurate. Even when the day did not go as well as I had desired, when I honestly reflected, I realized I spent too much of the previous night worrying instead of focusing on what I want to happen. Thoughts have power. In the words of Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right."
What are your dreams? What do you want your future to look like? Are you focusing on that future or on everything that could prevent that future from happening?
*If you are interested in reading the book I am currently reading, it is called "The Answer" by John Assaraf and Murray Smith.
See, my dad is always giving me and my hubby stuff that he thinks will help us in some way or another. Books on healthy eating, advice from Dr. Oz, financial articles to read, etc. This time, he gave me a book. In the past, I would have conveniently not found time to read it. But this time, I figured why not. My dad is trying to help me and pass knowledge to me. I should honor him by checking it out. What I found was an incredibly inspiring story, captivating words, and focus.
The brain is a powerful thing. What we focus our thoughts on influences what happens in our future. We may think about what we don't want to happen, but that only puts that at the front of our mind so it is all we find. This goes back to the saying "Don't think about a red hammer." And what were you just thinking about? A red hammer. Instead, focus on what you want.
This is when my dreams started looking achievable. I am learning to build focus on what I want my life to look like. When I picture my life now, I zoom in on the details while maintaining view of my life as a whole. I can see part of my business incredibly clear now. I can picture exactly what I am doing in that moment in time and really feel my emotions of the time. Joy. Contentment. Love. As I wind down for the night and settle into bed, I picture what I want the next day to look like as if it is a guarantee that it will happen. It may be coincidence, but it has been pretty darn accurate. Even when the day did not go as well as I had desired, when I honestly reflected, I realized I spent too much of the previous night worrying instead of focusing on what I want to happen. Thoughts have power. In the words of Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right."
What are your dreams? What do you want your future to look like? Are you focusing on that future or on everything that could prevent that future from happening?
*If you are interested in reading the book I am currently reading, it is called "The Answer" by John Assaraf and Murray Smith.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Straight to the Point or Clarity?
As I am responding to emails, chatting with friends, and perusing through Facebook, a thought crosses my mind that *insertname* types way to much. Just get to the point. I don't need all the details. Then, just a couple minutes later, I stop myself as I am typing a response to someone. I begin to question myself: Do I type too much? Should I be more straight to the point? But I feel this information is important to understand what I am saying. But what if it isn't? What if my reader sits on the other side of this screening thinking, "Get to the point!"?
Perhaps, when we are beating around the bush, we are simply trying to buy ourselves time. We could be buying time for any number of reasons, but either way, we are trying to put off the inevitable. Staying in that sense of limbo, never having to learn what the response will be to your statement or question. Right now, I sit in that very spot. I have news that I want to share, but I fear the response. I obviously fear the response of negativity, but I also fear the positive. If I am supported, it would be even more humiliating if this project did not go as planned, I stumbled or failed.
For better or worse, I can be extremely sensitive and take comments to heart that shouldn't matter in the scheme of things. There are soooooooo many things that could go wrong and I have never tried something like this before. As the people of Oz would say, this is "a horse of a different color." Quite frankly, I am elated and absolutely terrified at the same time. It has me wanting to bolt forward with confidence and excitement, while also wanting to say "Oh, HELL no!" and running away. Do I take the risk? Do I share this new, little seedling with the world, or do I let it grow a bit before bringing it out into the elements? There is no obvious answer.
So now, I have decided to have confidence in myself. I will make this work. If I don't have faith in myself, how can others have faith in me? Have confidence in my product? So now I will get to the point.
I am a teacher and a damn fine one. I have found so much joy in my work that I have decided to take this to the next level. I am creating my own school and tutoring center. I'm building a freakin' business y'all!!!!!
Perhaps, when we are beating around the bush, we are simply trying to buy ourselves time. We could be buying time for any number of reasons, but either way, we are trying to put off the inevitable. Staying in that sense of limbo, never having to learn what the response will be to your statement or question. Right now, I sit in that very spot. I have news that I want to share, but I fear the response. I obviously fear the response of negativity, but I also fear the positive. If I am supported, it would be even more humiliating if this project did not go as planned, I stumbled or failed.
For better or worse, I can be extremely sensitive and take comments to heart that shouldn't matter in the scheme of things. There are soooooooo many things that could go wrong and I have never tried something like this before. As the people of Oz would say, this is "a horse of a different color." Quite frankly, I am elated and absolutely terrified at the same time. It has me wanting to bolt forward with confidence and excitement, while also wanting to say "Oh, HELL no!" and running away. Do I take the risk? Do I share this new, little seedling with the world, or do I let it grow a bit before bringing it out into the elements? There is no obvious answer.
So now, I have decided to have confidence in myself. I will make this work. If I don't have faith in myself, how can others have faith in me? Have confidence in my product? So now I will get to the point.
I am a teacher and a damn fine one. I have found so much joy in my work that I have decided to take this to the next level. I am creating my own school and tutoring center. I'm building a freakin' business y'all!!!!!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Honoring my Mind and Body
The last couple weeks, I have been trying to force my body and mind to conform to the way I want to be during the winter - the woman who is there for everyone, on top of all the "to-do's," working regularly, cooking fresh dinners, having a clean house, and still participating in all the events of the season. Essentially, I have been pushing myself to be perfect.
This morning, I realized I have not been honoring who I am. I am NOT perfect, and in reality, do I really want to be perfect? I think of perfect and I see no room for fun or spontaneous actions. I see stiff, prudish, and boring. I don't see the crazy fun antics I like to incorporate into my life. No, I am not perfect, but I keep punishing myself for not being perfect. I chastise myself when I cannot fall asleep at a decent enough time to work the next morning. I think poorly of myself when I can't bring myself to run the dozens of errands that need to be completed. I wonder what is wrong with me when I simply don't have the energy to cook or clean house. I mentally abuse myself with my negative self-talk.
Today, I am going to try a new approach. I am going to practice being perfectly me. If I do not get everything done, so be it. As long as it isn't going to literally kill anyone and we have the necessities, it isn't the end of the world. Lately, I have been exhausted during the day, but wide awake at night. I will honor that by resting when I am tired, and being productive when I am awake. Housework can be done at any time of day or night (except vacuuming when others are sleeping). Bills, emails, warranty registrations, even grocery shopping can be done in the middle of the night.
I will honor my body cycle. I haven't been able to wake up before 10am lately without being a zombie all day. This means I haven't been taking any substitute jobs because I want the full day of work which starts at 7:30am. I will change that. Instead of trying to force myself to work "like a normal person," I will start taking half day jobs that start at 11:00/11:30am or I will take on more tutoring clients, scheduling appointments when I know I will be functional, and discontinue substituting until spring.
I will honor my mind. If I just can't focus or concentrate, then I will give my mind the break it wants and play games, visit with friends, exercise, or cook. When my mind is a little less turbulent, I will focus on the "serious" stuff, like studying, building my tutoring website, adoption paperwork, etc.
I have bipolar disorder. I have anxiety. In the winter, I can become severely depressed. I thought I had fully accepted it a long time ago, but last week, my therapist asked a very pertinent question: "Have you really accepted your disorder?" Now, I am not so sure. Yes, I admit I have it and I will always fight against the negative stigma of bipolar disorder, but I have always expected myself to "find a way" to prevent the winter depression. I expect myself to find a way to "fix" it, like I am a toy that just needs some super glue or batteries, but I am realizing it is not that simple. There is no cure. There is only management of the disease. My mind and body has needs unique to the time of year, and it is high time I give myself what I need.
This morning, I realized I have not been honoring who I am. I am NOT perfect, and in reality, do I really want to be perfect? I think of perfect and I see no room for fun or spontaneous actions. I see stiff, prudish, and boring. I don't see the crazy fun antics I like to incorporate into my life. No, I am not perfect, but I keep punishing myself for not being perfect. I chastise myself when I cannot fall asleep at a decent enough time to work the next morning. I think poorly of myself when I can't bring myself to run the dozens of errands that need to be completed. I wonder what is wrong with me when I simply don't have the energy to cook or clean house. I mentally abuse myself with my negative self-talk.
Today, I am going to try a new approach. I am going to practice being perfectly me. If I do not get everything done, so be it. As long as it isn't going to literally kill anyone and we have the necessities, it isn't the end of the world. Lately, I have been exhausted during the day, but wide awake at night. I will honor that by resting when I am tired, and being productive when I am awake. Housework can be done at any time of day or night (except vacuuming when others are sleeping). Bills, emails, warranty registrations, even grocery shopping can be done in the middle of the night.
I will honor my body cycle. I haven't been able to wake up before 10am lately without being a zombie all day. This means I haven't been taking any substitute jobs because I want the full day of work which starts at 7:30am. I will change that. Instead of trying to force myself to work "like a normal person," I will start taking half day jobs that start at 11:00/11:30am or I will take on more tutoring clients, scheduling appointments when I know I will be functional, and discontinue substituting until spring.
I will honor my mind. If I just can't focus or concentrate, then I will give my mind the break it wants and play games, visit with friends, exercise, or cook. When my mind is a little less turbulent, I will focus on the "serious" stuff, like studying, building my tutoring website, adoption paperwork, etc.
I have bipolar disorder. I have anxiety. In the winter, I can become severely depressed. I thought I had fully accepted it a long time ago, but last week, my therapist asked a very pertinent question: "Have you really accepted your disorder?" Now, I am not so sure. Yes, I admit I have it and I will always fight against the negative stigma of bipolar disorder, but I have always expected myself to "find a way" to prevent the winter depression. I expect myself to find a way to "fix" it, like I am a toy that just needs some super glue or batteries, but I am realizing it is not that simple. There is no cure. There is only management of the disease. My mind and body has needs unique to the time of year, and it is high time I give myself what I need.
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