Cameras. I have a love/hate relationship with them. Cameras are a great invention that helps us capture precious moments and save memories, but since the advent of phone cameras, they have taken a sad turn. Cameras have become so prevalent that people often miss "the moment." Now, people are using their cameras (phone or otherwise) to take a picture of everything. No matter what is going on, someone just HAS to take a "selfie." People are so busy taking pictures that they have put a barrier between themselves and actually feeling what is going on around them. They are no longer living in the moment and being a part of it, but recording it without any emotional attachment to it.
What is the point of recording it if it will not touch you deeply when you later reflect on it. Better yet, if you take so many pictures, will you even look at those pictures again? I know some people who have literally tens of thousands of pictures. Will you even take the time to reflect on those experiences you so meticulously recorded? Will you even remember what was happening around you when you look that picture?
I am not saying that cameras should be done away with. I believe cameras can be a very valuable tool. Instead, use discretion. If you travel with me or check something new out with me, you will rarely see me take pictures. I am picky about when I take a photo. Instead of being trapped behind a screen, I want to feel, see, hear, touch, and be one with what is going on around me. I want to be fully invested in the experience rather than worrying about tool. I don't want to miss a thing. I want to feel the energy of my surroundings pulse through me and let awe overtake me. These experiences are then burned into my memory. Only if I find something particularly fascinating will I take a photo. For me to take a photo is to memorialize an experience. It only takes one photo to bring a flood of memories and feelings back to me, allowing me to bask in the feelings and experiences once again. I don't need to record every second and my life is fuller because of it.
Do you have a camera addiction? I challenge you to become more selective with your pictures and let yourself live in the moment, rather than recording it.
Bipolar Musings of my life, humor, health, family, friends, and beliefs.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Oh the Places You'll Go!
Clearly I am not very good at keeping up with this blogging thing, but for those who still read, thank you! And since you have been so dedicated, you get to see some amazing things coming up!
When we are kids, we often have big dreams and visions. We imagine going to space, starting our own business, swimming with dolphins, curing cancer, being a rodeo clown, building something from scratch, and so much more. Somewhere along the "growing up" cycle, we lose a lot of these dreams and visions. We forget how to imagine the seemingly impossible. So many fantastic ideas perish at the hand of adulthood, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Obviously one of my biggest projects is starting my own school. I envision a small school that serves the needs of all its students. Curriculum slows down or speeds up according to the student's skills and development. Concepts are taught in a variety of ways to make the information accessible to all. Life skills are incorporated throughout the skill career so that students learn to teach themselves and develop the skills needed to work through life after the "teacher" is gone. All of this is wrapped up with real-world incorporation from business professionals who partner with the school to provide knowledge, experience, internships, observations, scenarios, and vision for the future. Some of the largest strides in society have come from our youngest people. The goal is to have my school open and accepting students by the summer, and already the interest is high!
As if creating this utopia of a school isn't enough, we have also been fumbling our way through the adoption process. False starts and changes in course have altered our plans many times, but it feels like we are finally on the right track now. It has been emotionally and financially taxing, but the experience is and will be worth it. As we continue with the adoption process though, we have also found another option. Our insurance covers infertility! We will be beginning our conception journey at the same time as our adoption journey. All of this comes together right after my sinus surgery in mid-April.
I know. It sounds like a lot to accomplish in just a few months. It also sounds like I am going to overwhelm myself when it is all written out, but here is the amazing part: For the first time in my life, I feel like everything is exactly how it needs to be for success and I feel very little stress over the whole process. I have faith in myself and in my spirituality. I know that faith will carry me through to fulfillment of my dreams. I know it may not be pretty, but everything will get done exactly as it needs to. I can see it all so clearly that it already exists. These dreams, goals, visions, or whatever you want to call them, they are me. It feels like I found a huge piece of me that I didn't even know was lost. I feel these are my missing puzzle pieces that I have found.
Now watch me as I finish the picture...
When we are kids, we often have big dreams and visions. We imagine going to space, starting our own business, swimming with dolphins, curing cancer, being a rodeo clown, building something from scratch, and so much more. Somewhere along the "growing up" cycle, we lose a lot of these dreams and visions. We forget how to imagine the seemingly impossible. So many fantastic ideas perish at the hand of adulthood, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Obviously one of my biggest projects is starting my own school. I envision a small school that serves the needs of all its students. Curriculum slows down or speeds up according to the student's skills and development. Concepts are taught in a variety of ways to make the information accessible to all. Life skills are incorporated throughout the skill career so that students learn to teach themselves and develop the skills needed to work through life after the "teacher" is gone. All of this is wrapped up with real-world incorporation from business professionals who partner with the school to provide knowledge, experience, internships, observations, scenarios, and vision for the future. Some of the largest strides in society have come from our youngest people. The goal is to have my school open and accepting students by the summer, and already the interest is high!
As if creating this utopia of a school isn't enough, we have also been fumbling our way through the adoption process. False starts and changes in course have altered our plans many times, but it feels like we are finally on the right track now. It has been emotionally and financially taxing, but the experience is and will be worth it. As we continue with the adoption process though, we have also found another option. Our insurance covers infertility! We will be beginning our conception journey at the same time as our adoption journey. All of this comes together right after my sinus surgery in mid-April.
I know. It sounds like a lot to accomplish in just a few months. It also sounds like I am going to overwhelm myself when it is all written out, but here is the amazing part: For the first time in my life, I feel like everything is exactly how it needs to be for success and I feel very little stress over the whole process. I have faith in myself and in my spirituality. I know that faith will carry me through to fulfillment of my dreams. I know it may not be pretty, but everything will get done exactly as it needs to. I can see it all so clearly that it already exists. These dreams, goals, visions, or whatever you want to call them, they are me. It feels like I found a huge piece of me that I didn't even know was lost. I feel these are my missing puzzle pieces that I have found.
Now watch me as I finish the picture...
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Coping with the Holidays
Don't you just love seeing all the holiday decorations around town? Everywhere you go, there are Thanksgiving and Christmas themes. A blowup turkey here, a Christmas tree there, the Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas debate. Then there is the endless ideal image of what the holidays are supposed to look like, including the red and orange of fall, the bundled up kids, snow on the streets, a long table lined with family down either side, a lighted Menorah, and the presents under the tree. These are all images that are meant to evoke the emotion of happiness, thankfulness, and content.
However, many people struggle with the holidays. Some struggle because they recently lost a loved one and the table feels empty without them. Others become overwhelmed with the crowds and noise. Whether you find yourself depressed from the season change or you simply have no positive memories of the holidays, we all have a choice in how we react to the negative emotions.
For me, I dip in and out of depressions throughout the year, but they are typically more severe and persistent during the winter months, beginning about mid-November. As you might expect, this frequently affects my ability to enjoy the holiday season. I look forward to seeing my family and having that break, but many times it comes with unreasonable expectations. Though the last few years have been much better, I am going in prepared this year! I choose to do all I can to ensure I engage in practices that help maintain a positive mood and environment. Here are a few things you might consider as well.
However, many people struggle with the holidays. Some struggle because they recently lost a loved one and the table feels empty without them. Others become overwhelmed with the crowds and noise. Whether you find yourself depressed from the season change or you simply have no positive memories of the holidays, we all have a choice in how we react to the negative emotions.
For me, I dip in and out of depressions throughout the year, but they are typically more severe and persistent during the winter months, beginning about mid-November. As you might expect, this frequently affects my ability to enjoy the holiday season. I look forward to seeing my family and having that break, but many times it comes with unreasonable expectations. Though the last few years have been much better, I am going in prepared this year! I choose to do all I can to ensure I engage in practices that help maintain a positive mood and environment. Here are a few things you might consider as well.
- Enlist support
- Make a plan. Options include (but not limited to):
- Enlist the help of loved ones. In my case, my hubby is helping me in this "quest"
- Brainstorm ways to fight depressive situations. In my case, I am not allowed to spend hours in front of the TV. Yes, I can have football on, but actively staring at the screen for 12 hours only fuels depression.
- Keep occupied/busy, but not so busy that you overwhelm yourself. It is a fine balancing act to find just the right amount of activities to keep you positively stimulated, but not so much that you can't take a break if wanted. For me, this includes things like playing card/board games, helping* prepare the meals, plenty of reading material, and adoption paperwork. These are all activities that can be stopped somewhat easily. Note: helping means not being the sole person responsible for the meal. You are simply helping when comfortable but not the main chef.
- Plan a couple activities that require leaving the house. Even if the weather is chilly, leaving the house is huge. For me, I am planning on attending a T-day lite-up downtown event and checking out a food truck faire! Two events in 7 days is enough to keep me motivated, but not overwhelmed, turning fun activities into work. On the off days, I will plan to talk a walk around the block, through the neighborhood, down the schoolyard, or basically anywhere else. The walk can be as long or as short as I want, with a minimum of "to the neighbor's house." The simple act of leaving the house helps to awaken your senses, increase your vitamin D levels, combats SAD, and increases blood floor, all of which fights depression.
- Most importantly, be gentle on yourself. I don't care if you are having a Thanksgiving dinner for work, with loved ones, or by yourself, be gentle on yourself. You do not have to meet someone else's expectation of you. You do not even have to meet your expectation of what you should do. All you have to do is show up. Showing up is half the battle; you have already beaten one symptom of depression - isolation. For the rest of the visit, accept your needs and honor them. If you need to sleep in, do so. If you need to cancel a dinner date, do so. If you need to go out, do so. If you need to read a book, do so. If you need to take a break and hide in the bathroom for a while, do so. You have to take care of yourself.
- Be flexible. If you are one of those people who need to plan everything out, go for it, but also plan in some extra wiggle room. In my case, I have blocks on my mental plan. Drive days, scheduled events, then I have generic blocks. One says "game of choice" and the other says "other home activity" (which includes walking since it is around the neighborhood) and they both exist on every day during the visit. If you want more details, feel free to message me. If you are the type that plays it by ear, set an alarm in your phone to ensure that you take some required fun/take care of you time.
Finally, if none of that helps and you still find your thoughts/feelings going to dark places, accept it and talk about it. It doesn't matter who. You might call your psychiatrist or therapist, or talk to your best friend, family member, spouse, parent, God, journal, blogger, or stranger. Talk to someone about it and really listen to any legal, reasonable suggestions to help elevate your mood. They may be something you try or not, but at least you have options now.
I didn't mean for this to become so long, but if you stuck with me, Congratulations! We are almost done! Remember, everyone has their own battles to fight. Do not assume yours is greater than another's. Do not assume yours is insignificant. So this season, smile a little brighter, be a little more kind, be a little more gentle. You never know when your smile can make or break a day for someone.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Finding the Support that is Right for You
Some days, the world just doesn't level out in the morning the way you would like it to. Maybe you didn't sleep we'll the night before or you woke up feeling cruddy. Maybe your body has aches or pains somewhere or the fog of depression or anxiety settles over you. Or maybe things just don't feel right. Not because something is actually wrong; just things don't feel right either.
Now, it is true that thinking positively can help elevate your mood and get you through a rough day, but what about those days when you just can't see the positive? The days when the fog is so thick that you can't see the good ahead of you? That you can't see the potential the day holds? That is when you need your circle of support.
Everyone's support circle looks different. For me, part of my support comes from a handful of friends who I know I can turn to. I know they will call me out when negativity is eating me alive. I know I can call on them to vent my frustrations, opening the path to see good again. I know they will ask me that difficult question that we rarely answer honestly, especially to strangers, "How are you today?" They don't buy into the standard automatic response of "fine" or "ok."
Yesterday, as I whined about my headache and lack of sleep, my support circle stepped in and reminded me to stop, take a breath, and observe all my blessings. Yesterday, I found out my little circle had grown. A new friend stepped up and reminded me that not all was lost and there were things to be thankful for. She cleared the fog from my vision and reopened my eyes and I am grateful for her friendship.
What does support look like for you? Is your support friends? Family? Medical professionals? Strangers? Coworkers? Maybe even a pet? All of these are acceptable. Everyone's support looks different. There is no magic formula for what helps you keep going every day. What is important though is that you have that support. If you don't have anyone you can trust to be honest with you or that you can confide in, find someone. Join a support group. Find a recreational sports group. Recruit friends and family that you are comfortable with. Explore the option of a therapist or counselor. Find that safe haven where you can let your guard down and be brutally honest with yourself and/or someone else. Then, expand from there. After all, we don't want to overwhelm our support. One person can only carry so much of your load. Spread it between multiple people and everyone is more comfortable and productive.
And if you don't know if you can venture out and start your support network, start here, with me and my readers. This is a no judgement zone. Ask questions, share your feelings, needs, and struggles. If posting in the comments here is too much, send me a private email. We all need someone sometime. Let's help each other.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Monday, December 3, 2012
Where Have You Been Alicia?!?!
As you noticed, I haven't been around for quite a while. I had all these wonderful plans and ideas for blogging and then school took over my life. Then there was the multiple moves for the hubby's job and loads of other craziness. To say the least, this has been a tough, but interesting and amazing year. To those of you who have hung in there during my absence of postings, thank you!
Now, here is the reward for my dedication and hard work. Enjoy!
Now, here is the reward for my dedication and hard work. Enjoy!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Silent Suffering is so Damn Sexy!
I am so tired of this! For the last 3 weeks, it has been a near constant onslaught of pain, illness, or discomfort. I've had rheumatic flares, some sort of stomach virus, migraines, depression, random sharp pains, and now my stomach is pissed off...again! I get the right amount of sleep, but I am exhausted just hours after I wake up and feel like I need a nap. School starts again in just a couple days and I have no motivation to accomplish anything.
Perhaps the worst part is that no one knows what I am going through right now because I have this ridiculous belief in my head that I need to be the tough one. I can't show my pain and sadness. I take care of everyone else when they are sick or hurting and I suffer in silence because I don't want to be a burden on anyone. And I know several of my friends will read this and then I will get chastised for not saying anything, but I can't ever seem to say the words out loud. I need help. Just a shoulder. Just a support. And blogging is as close as I ever seem to come to sharing my struggles with the world.
All I want to do is lay in bed, nurse my aches and pains, and cry. It would be nice to have someone just hold me and comfort me, but my husband is 950 miles away. Can I just put life on pause for a few days so I can try to get some relief and comfort? But that is not possible. And in the time it has taken me to write this blog post, it is now time for me to get to work once again. There are classes to observe and homework to be done. Here is to another day of putting off being weak.
.
Perhaps the worst part is that no one knows what I am going through right now because I have this ridiculous belief in my head that I need to be the tough one. I can't show my pain and sadness. I take care of everyone else when they are sick or hurting and I suffer in silence because I don't want to be a burden on anyone. And I know several of my friends will read this and then I will get chastised for not saying anything, but I can't ever seem to say the words out loud. I need help. Just a shoulder. Just a support. And blogging is as close as I ever seem to come to sharing my struggles with the world.
All I want to do is lay in bed, nurse my aches and pains, and cry. It would be nice to have someone just hold me and comfort me, but my husband is 950 miles away. Can I just put life on pause for a few days so I can try to get some relief and comfort? But that is not possible. And in the time it has taken me to write this blog post, it is now time for me to get to work once again. There are classes to observe and homework to be done. Here is to another day of putting off being weak.
.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Living in Two States
So if you are close to me, you know I am living my life in two states right now -- Arizona and California. If you are not close to me, you are probably asking why. See, my husband and I had been living together in Arizona for the last year or so because he got a job with Sony Online Entertainment, his dream job (making computer games), in Tucson. Unfortunately, after about a year and a half of employment, Sony shut down the Tucson office and laid off just about everyone. This led to a job hunt which netted results in San Francisco.
When he took the new job, we had some decisions to make. I was and still am in school to become a teacher. If I were to transfer my schooling to California, it would add 2-3 years onto my completion date. Seeing as I was only about a year and a half out at the time, that just seemed silly. Why pour more time and money into something that can be done quicker and risk having to move again and add more time on should another unforeseen circumstance come up? And so came our decision to split our household.
At this time, 98% of our belongings are in our beautiful 2 bed, 2 bath duplex in San Francisco with my husband, including the 2 cats and 1 dog. I usually reside in Tucson in a studio apartment with nothing but a bed, a dresser, a TV, a few select kitchen items, and a bookshelf I adopted after the move. Oh! I adopted some chairs too. Can't forget the chairs. You know, the plastic patio chairs? Yea, those.
Anyway, so usually I live in Tucson. It is very lonely. Yes, I have friends there and they keep me distracted from my loneliness as much as possible, but when I lay in bed at night, I miss being wrapped up in my husband's arms. I miss the good night kisses and the good morning smiles. The plan is to have me fly back to San Francisco every couple months for a long weekend or a short week to visit. Even better, I managed to work my school schedule around so I have been able to reside in San Francisco for the last 6 weeks! Oh how nice to live with my husband again!
But now my time in San Francisco is drawing to an end. In two weeks (and 12 hours), my bags will be packed and I will be headed back to Tucson until the holidays. I look forward to the warmth of Arizona (San Francisco is too damn cold!) and I look forward to seeing my friends. I look forward to getting back to school on campus instead of online, and I look forward to swimming. But once again, I will be living on my own. I will miss my husband madly. I will probably cry when I leave and I will probably bury myself in distractions once I get "home" while I adjust again. I will probably cry myself to sleep a few nights as well. But we love each other and we know we can make it through this as long as we support each other. We also know this way will work out better in the long run than any of the other options.
.
When he took the new job, we had some decisions to make. I was and still am in school to become a teacher. If I were to transfer my schooling to California, it would add 2-3 years onto my completion date. Seeing as I was only about a year and a half out at the time, that just seemed silly. Why pour more time and money into something that can be done quicker and risk having to move again and add more time on should another unforeseen circumstance come up? And so came our decision to split our household.
At this time, 98% of our belongings are in our beautiful 2 bed, 2 bath duplex in San Francisco with my husband, including the 2 cats and 1 dog. I usually reside in Tucson in a studio apartment with nothing but a bed, a dresser, a TV, a few select kitchen items, and a bookshelf I adopted after the move. Oh! I adopted some chairs too. Can't forget the chairs. You know, the plastic patio chairs? Yea, those.
Anyway, so usually I live in Tucson. It is very lonely. Yes, I have friends there and they keep me distracted from my loneliness as much as possible, but when I lay in bed at night, I miss being wrapped up in my husband's arms. I miss the good night kisses and the good morning smiles. The plan is to have me fly back to San Francisco every couple months for a long weekend or a short week to visit. Even better, I managed to work my school schedule around so I have been able to reside in San Francisco for the last 6 weeks! Oh how nice to live with my husband again!
But now my time in San Francisco is drawing to an end. In two weeks (and 12 hours), my bags will be packed and I will be headed back to Tucson until the holidays. I look forward to the warmth of Arizona (San Francisco is too damn cold!) and I look forward to seeing my friends. I look forward to getting back to school on campus instead of online, and I look forward to swimming. But once again, I will be living on my own. I will miss my husband madly. I will probably cry when I leave and I will probably bury myself in distractions once I get "home" while I adjust again. I will probably cry myself to sleep a few nights as well. But we love each other and we know we can make it through this as long as we support each other. We also know this way will work out better in the long run than any of the other options.
.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
My Latest "Great" Idea
So I came across this wonderful article today about the writing process and how it is a journey of trial and error, blood, sweat, and tears. It was written so well that I was inspired to revisit an old idea of mine. I have played with this idea for years. It has lingered in the back of my mind, just waiting for the right time to come bursting out onto paper...or the keyboard.
The idea? Oh, its a book.
In the past, I have pushed the idea back into its dark hole, convincing myself it would be a horrible idea. I mean, first of all, we all know how sucky of a writer I am (yea right). Second, I get writer's block so easily with academic papers, what makes me think I could come up with enough to fill an entire book? Obviously, not possible. Third, the book I am thinking of writing is all about me, which we know would be boring as hell. Fourth, it would focus on my journey through health issues and life in general as, what I like to call, a Bipolar Survivor. Who the hell would want to read that crap? And finally, it would require me opening up and sharing deep, dark, personal secrets and thoughts for all the world to read.
Yep. Totally a horrible idea. What the hell was I thinking. I should abandon this quest line immediately.
.
The idea? Oh, its a book.
In the past, I have pushed the idea back into its dark hole, convincing myself it would be a horrible idea. I mean, first of all, we all know how sucky of a writer I am (yea right). Second, I get writer's block so easily with academic papers, what makes me think I could come up with enough to fill an entire book? Obviously, not possible. Third, the book I am thinking of writing is all about me, which we know would be boring as hell. Fourth, it would focus on my journey through health issues and life in general as, what I like to call, a Bipolar Survivor. Who the hell would want to read that crap? And finally, it would require me opening up and sharing deep, dark, personal secrets and thoughts for all the world to read.
Yep. Totally a horrible idea. What the hell was I thinking. I should abandon this quest line immediately.
.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Nothing Says Sexy Like a Speedo and Roller Skates
Yesterday, my husband and I decided to spend the day seeing the city (San Francisco). We are in Oakland so it isn't like it is a long trip for us. The day started innocent enough. We went to his office since I still hadn't seen it yet and ended up having lunch with one of his co-workers at the Westfield Mall. Nice guy.
After lunch, the plan was to kind of wind our way down to Fisherman's Wharf and find this clam chowder place I have fond memories of. The weather was beautiful even with the wind blowing through the city. Along the way, we found this beautiful little park!
Naturally, we had to take some time in this little piece of serenity found in the city.
Can you tell who my hubby wanted to focus on?
After we got done playing fancy photographer, we found our way to the start of the Wharf. This is where we got a lesson in sexiness. We are innocently walking along, complaining about how the clouds are starting to roll in and the wind is getting chilly when something catches my eye. As this man exited the crowd, I regretted noticing his presence for he was on roller skates, which in and by itself is no big deal, but when you combine it with the wardrobe choice he made, it should be punishable by at least 10 lashes. While speeding down the wharf in his old-school, 4-wheeled roller skates, this man chose to wear nothing but a Speedo. His only saving grace was that it was a square-bottomed Speedo and he obviously did weight-lifting. The guy was ripped, but he was so buff that it didn't even look good. His pecs were so big that it looked like someone implanted half a basketball on each side of his chest. So, imagine this if you will. A man with muscles unnaturally large, making a kind of deformed look:
Yea baby. Now that's what I call sexy.
Naturally, we had to take some time in this little piece of serenity found in the city.
Can you tell who my hubby wanted to focus on?
After we got done playing fancy photographer, we found our way to the start of the Wharf. This is where we got a lesson in sexiness. We are innocently walking along, complaining about how the clouds are starting to roll in and the wind is getting chilly when something catches my eye. As this man exited the crowd, I regretted noticing his presence for he was on roller skates, which in and by itself is no big deal, but when you combine it with the wardrobe choice he made, it should be punishable by at least 10 lashes. While speeding down the wharf in his old-school, 4-wheeled roller skates, this man chose to wear nothing but a Speedo. His only saving grace was that it was a square-bottomed Speedo and he obviously did weight-lifting. The guy was ripped, but he was so buff that it didn't even look good. His pecs were so big that it looked like someone implanted half a basketball on each side of his chest. So, imagine this if you will. A man with muscles unnaturally large, making a kind of deformed look:
wearing these:
and these:
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Drugs, Money, and Rock & Roll - Part 3
Ok, I promise I am going to finish this time. The problem is it has now been sooooooo long that all the details have flown out of my head. Sorry about that.
So I ended with us having to get the house moved in something like 10 days from Tucson, AZ to good old San Francisco. Why you ask? Well, the answer is quite simple. D's work wanted him to start that soon. YAY! D has a job! Boo, I have to do all this moving crap.
Let's see, so I start calling around looking for moving quotes and find that most of the companies are WAY too friggin expensive. Therefore, I reserve a U-haul and start signing friends up to help us. Later, I will end up changing my mind and hiring a moving company anyway. Next step is finding a place to live and getting the house packed and moved, all in 10 days. Did I mention the movers pick up 3-4 days before your desired delivery date? So that is 6-7 days to find a place to live and pack the whole house. Keep in mind, I am still recovering from my nose surgery during all this.
Next, I start figuring out transferring my schooling to California. I am thinking this should be easy since I am attending University of Phoenix. Guess what. It isn't. See, California has more stringent requirements for their teachers. Something about needing a Master's Degree or something like that. I forget the details now. The part I DO remember is that I can transfer just fine. Only problem is instead of finishing in 1 1/2 years, it will now take 3 1/2 to 4 years?!?! Oh. Hell. No. Because you know I don't already have enough stress on my plate. Naturally, I start spinning in my head til I get to talk to D about it.
When I finally get to talk to D, the solution seemed simple enough. I stay in Tucson to finish school while he goes to San Francisco to work and we just fly back and forth to visit each other. Awesome. It is silly to keep a 2-bedroom apartment for just one of me, so I rent a studio, choose the items to stay with me (futon, dresser, TV, and some kitchenware. That's it), and continue on my merry little way packing everything else. I get it all planned out that I will spend the next 3-4 months in Tucson getting all my observation hours out of the way, then spend 6 months in SF with the hubby, then spend the remaining 6-8 months in Tucson finishing up my program and student teaching. And then the scrambling begins all while trying to coordinate a 1000-mile move.
So we have 6-7 days. We hop in the car, drive straight through to Sacramento (14 hours in case you were wondering), and crash for 6 hours at my brother's house. We then spend the next 48 hours looking at more than a dozen potential places to live in the San Francisco area. Guess which one we picked. Yup! The second to last place. (It's awesome by the way). By the time we finish in SF and get back to Tucson (driving straight through again), we have 3 days to pack before the movers get there. Somehow we get it done with the help of friends, but I'm exhausted, my nose hurts, my body hurts, and I did I mention, I'm exhausted?
So, the movers arrive the day after we finish packing. They get everything loaded. They say 2-3 days for delivery. Cool. So we can take our time a little on the way back to SF to meet them at the new house. We load up the animals and head off to mom and dad's in Sacramento. Oh, I forgot, we brought the dog out to stay with my brother the previous weekend when we were house-hunting. He kept her for the move, thank goodness. Can you imagine trying to keep track of a 75-lb boxer/lab during all this? Yea, right.
We drive straight through...again. We sleep when we get there. The cats are freaked out as expected. We are exhausted and all we want is sleep, but no, we have to go back into the city to sign the lease on the new place and pay our rent. Then we go back to mom and dad's and have them feed us that night. The next day, we head to our new home and set up shop to wait for the movers...who don't show up for an extra 2 days. That's right. 5 days to get our stuff. All I have to say is thank goodness we brought the air mattress and I booked my flight home through Southwest Air so I could change my return flight easily.
With no time to unpack or anything, we get the boxes and furniture in the house somewhat how we want it, do the move-in inspection, make a list for the landlord and Alicia has to run away to catch her plane. Leaving D with boxes everywhere sucked. Then my flight was delayed and my ride could no longer get me. This is about the time when I start asking "why me?!?!" Luckily, another friends said she could get me so I didn't have to pay for a cab ride home. Thank you! Finally got home and to bed at 2am with class the following night and no homework done. Awesome.
Which brings us back to the school issue. Remember how I was going to do 3-4 months in Tucson to get all my observation out of the way and then spend 6 months in Cali? Yea, later I figure out I planned that out totally wrong because, guess what. Those 3-4 months fall during summer break. No classes to observe. Crap. I then have to figure out how to work it out so I can actually get some time with my husband. The solution:
June - Tucson
July and August - SF (8 weeks online classes)
September through December - Tucson, but home for holidays
End of December through Beginning of January - SF (2 weeks)
Mid-January through May - Tucson
June and July - hopefully SF but that may change
August through November - Tucson
December - home to SF for good. Merry Christmas!
Can we say stressful? Yea. Welcome to my life.
But guess what! I survived! I am still alive and kicking! And I didn't kill anyone! I totally rocked this move.
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So I ended with us having to get the house moved in something like 10 days from Tucson, AZ to good old San Francisco. Why you ask? Well, the answer is quite simple. D's work wanted him to start that soon. YAY! D has a job! Boo, I have to do all this moving crap.
Let's see, so I start calling around looking for moving quotes and find that most of the companies are WAY too friggin expensive. Therefore, I reserve a U-haul and start signing friends up to help us. Later, I will end up changing my mind and hiring a moving company anyway. Next step is finding a place to live and getting the house packed and moved, all in 10 days. Did I mention the movers pick up 3-4 days before your desired delivery date? So that is 6-7 days to find a place to live and pack the whole house. Keep in mind, I am still recovering from my nose surgery during all this.
Next, I start figuring out transferring my schooling to California. I am thinking this should be easy since I am attending University of Phoenix. Guess what. It isn't. See, California has more stringent requirements for their teachers. Something about needing a Master's Degree or something like that. I forget the details now. The part I DO remember is that I can transfer just fine. Only problem is instead of finishing in 1 1/2 years, it will now take 3 1/2 to 4 years?!?! Oh. Hell. No. Because you know I don't already have enough stress on my plate. Naturally, I start spinning in my head til I get to talk to D about it.
When I finally get to talk to D, the solution seemed simple enough. I stay in Tucson to finish school while he goes to San Francisco to work and we just fly back and forth to visit each other. Awesome. It is silly to keep a 2-bedroom apartment for just one of me, so I rent a studio, choose the items to stay with me (futon, dresser, TV, and some kitchenware. That's it), and continue on my merry little way packing everything else. I get it all planned out that I will spend the next 3-4 months in Tucson getting all my observation hours out of the way, then spend 6 months in SF with the hubby, then spend the remaining 6-8 months in Tucson finishing up my program and student teaching. And then the scrambling begins all while trying to coordinate a 1000-mile move.
So we have 6-7 days. We hop in the car, drive straight through to Sacramento (14 hours in case you were wondering), and crash for 6 hours at my brother's house. We then spend the next 48 hours looking at more than a dozen potential places to live in the San Francisco area. Guess which one we picked. Yup! The second to last place. (It's awesome by the way). By the time we finish in SF and get back to Tucson (driving straight through again), we have 3 days to pack before the movers get there. Somehow we get it done with the help of friends, but I'm exhausted, my nose hurts, my body hurts, and I did I mention, I'm exhausted?
So, the movers arrive the day after we finish packing. They get everything loaded. They say 2-3 days for delivery. Cool. So we can take our time a little on the way back to SF to meet them at the new house. We load up the animals and head off to mom and dad's in Sacramento. Oh, I forgot, we brought the dog out to stay with my brother the previous weekend when we were house-hunting. He kept her for the move, thank goodness. Can you imagine trying to keep track of a 75-lb boxer/lab during all this? Yea, right.
We drive straight through...again. We sleep when we get there. The cats are freaked out as expected. We are exhausted and all we want is sleep, but no, we have to go back into the city to sign the lease on the new place and pay our rent. Then we go back to mom and dad's and have them feed us that night. The next day, we head to our new home and set up shop to wait for the movers...who don't show up for an extra 2 days. That's right. 5 days to get our stuff. All I have to say is thank goodness we brought the air mattress and I booked my flight home through Southwest Air so I could change my return flight easily.
With no time to unpack or anything, we get the boxes and furniture in the house somewhat how we want it, do the move-in inspection, make a list for the landlord and Alicia has to run away to catch her plane. Leaving D with boxes everywhere sucked. Then my flight was delayed and my ride could no longer get me. This is about the time when I start asking "why me?!?!" Luckily, another friends said she could get me so I didn't have to pay for a cab ride home. Thank you! Finally got home and to bed at 2am with class the following night and no homework done. Awesome.
Which brings us back to the school issue. Remember how I was going to do 3-4 months in Tucson to get all my observation out of the way and then spend 6 months in Cali? Yea, later I figure out I planned that out totally wrong because, guess what. Those 3-4 months fall during summer break. No classes to observe. Crap. I then have to figure out how to work it out so I can actually get some time with my husband. The solution:
June - Tucson
July and August - SF (8 weeks online classes)
September through December - Tucson, but home for holidays
End of December through Beginning of January - SF (2 weeks)
Mid-January through May - Tucson
June and July - hopefully SF but that may change
August through November - Tucson
December - home to SF for good. Merry Christmas!
Can we say stressful? Yea. Welcome to my life.
But guess what! I survived! I am still alive and kicking! And I didn't kill anyone! I totally rocked this move.
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Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Drugs, Money, and Rock and Roll - Part 2
Check it out! I finally got around to creating Part 2 of this saga! Only problem is I didn't take notes or anything, so this might be kinda short. And most of you probably know this part anyway.
So after I finally get to a fully functional, fairly drug-free state after my nose wasbroken fixed, I get to start dealing with the next adventure. April 1st, my husband's company announces massive layoffs and office closures. April Fools? Nope. It wasn't that surprising. We knew there was a change coming, we just didn't think it was coming so soon and we didn't think it was going to be in the form of the unemployment line.
Positive - D was already interviewing with many companies.
Negative - We knew we were going to have to move. Again. And likely to some place cold. *cry*
Naturally, the hubby has a hard time deciphering paperwork like Cobra benefits, severance packages, etc. Luckily, my head was fairly fog-free so I could help with that. I spent the next week (or was it two?), living day to day,worrying wondering where we would end up living, taking D back and forth to the airport to fly places for interviews, and trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do about school. Then D got a job! One he was excited about too! Bonus! The destination? San Francisco.
Positive - Close to my family again and good friends. Finally, fresh, fantastic sushi, and clam chowder!
Negative - It's FREAKING COLD! And cloudy. And windy. And COLD. This oughta be fun.
Awesome. So then we started to contemplate the upcoming changes and where we wanted to live in the San Francisco area. Time to rock and roll and get this house moved! In 10 days. Wait. WHAT?!?! 10 day?!?! Aw hell. I hate having to rush things...
...to be continued in Part 3!
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So after I finally get to a fully functional, fairly drug-free state after my nose was
Positive - D was already interviewing with many companies.
Negative - We knew we were going to have to move. Again. And likely to some place cold. *cry*
Naturally, the hubby has a hard time deciphering paperwork like Cobra benefits, severance packages, etc. Luckily, my head was fairly fog-free so I could help with that. I spent the next week (or was it two?), living day to day,
Positive - Close to my family again and good friends. Finally, fresh, fantastic sushi, and clam chowder!
Negative - It's FREAKING COLD! And cloudy. And windy. And COLD. This oughta be fun.
Awesome. So then we started to contemplate the upcoming changes and where we wanted to live in the San Francisco area. Time to rock and roll and get this house moved! In 10 days. Wait. WHAT?!?! 10 day?!?! Aw hell. I hate having to rush things...
...to be continued in Part 3!
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Friday, May 13, 2011
Drugs, Money, and Rock and Roll - Part 1
Yea, yea, yea. I know it has been over a month since I posted but I was busy! So now I am posting because I promised...and I don't break promises. But, since a LOT of shit has been going on, this is going to come in several parts.
Let's start with the "Drugs" part of this. If you recall, I was scheduled to have sinus surgery. Specifically, they were doing a septoplasty and a sinus drainage. What is a septoplasty you ask? Essentially it is where you PAY someone to BREAK. YOUR. NOSE. Yes, I paid someone to break my nose. Why? Because the inside was more crooked than Lombard Street in San Francisco and I couldn't breathe properly. The only way to fix it is to break it and reset it. Let me just say...Not. Fun.
Then there was the sinus drainage. I had a horrible sinus infection that was not going away no matter what drugs they gave me so they scraped it out. Doesn't that sound lovely? How would you like to have someone scrape your sinuses clean? Again...Not. Fun.
Now you may be asking yourself, what does a person look like after they have had thistorture procedure done? Well, wonder no more!
There ya have it. Two hours after surgery when you are home and laying on the couch, the lights are really, really bright. If you have ever had a migraine, then you can relate to this kind of light sensitivity. Hence the sunglasses. Also note the bright orange earplugs. Yup, sound sensitivity. But my favorite part about this whole thing was definitely the face tampon under my nose. I had to keep that on until my nose "stopped leaking." Yes, that is the technical term. I thought it was totally sexy and I just might start a new fashion line with it! We will even throw in the free goal post drawing on your forehead!
And then came recovery. Though the pain was not as bad as I expected, it still hurt pretty bad. But I had this wonderful prescription called Vicodin. So I spent 4 days in a drug-induced haze where I slept 16-18 hours a day. I am also told I tried to sort out some school stuff while drugged up, I tried cooking, and some various other things I do not recall. What I DO recall is the nausea, dizziness, and pain. But we will move past that to the point where I ditched the vicodin and itscrappy uncomfortable side effects.
Next came functioning in the world WITHOUT the face tampon!
Now when I say I functioned in the world without a face tampon, I use the term "function" loosely. Essentially it meant sitting up on the couch instead of laying down and occasionally walking around the apartment complex because I was getting cabin fever. It never ended up more than that because my balance was still off and the dizziness came and went without any warning. Finally, about a week after surgery, the dizziness and balance issues started resolving. Shitty Perfect timing considering the next adventure I needed to start dealing with...
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Let's start with the "Drugs" part of this. If you recall, I was scheduled to have sinus surgery. Specifically, they were doing a septoplasty and a sinus drainage. What is a septoplasty you ask? Essentially it is where you PAY someone to BREAK. YOUR. NOSE. Yes, I paid someone to break my nose. Why? Because the inside was more crooked than Lombard Street in San Francisco and I couldn't breathe properly. The only way to fix it is to break it and reset it. Let me just say...Not. Fun.
Then there was the sinus drainage. I had a horrible sinus infection that was not going away no matter what drugs they gave me so they scraped it out. Doesn't that sound lovely? How would you like to have someone scrape your sinuses clean? Again...Not. Fun.
Now you may be asking yourself, what does a person look like after they have had this
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| I swear if someone doesn't turn off the lights, I am stabbing them with a rusty fork. |
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| Yes, that means you. |
And then came recovery. Though the pain was not as bad as I expected, it still hurt pretty bad. But I had this wonderful prescription called Vicodin. So I spent 4 days in a drug-induced haze where I slept 16-18 hours a day. I am also told I tried to sort out some school stuff while drugged up, I tried cooking, and some various other things I do not recall. What I DO recall is the nausea, dizziness, and pain. But we will move past that to the point where I ditched the vicodin and its
Next came functioning in the world WITHOUT the face tampon!
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| Yes, that is a swollen nose and black eye forming. |
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| Oh wait! You were wondering about that black thing coming out of my nose. |
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| That black thing would be the end of my stitches which are taped to my face. Don't I look HAWT!!!! |
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Thursday, February 24, 2011
What I Have Learned as a Nanny
So as you may or may not know, I am a nanny. I take care of this wonderful, adorable toddler who just lights up my day. I know all the textbook stuff about kids and I even babysat for the longest time, but I had never cared for a child continuously for such long periods nearly every day of the week. It has been A-MAZ-ING! Every day I get to watch this little guy discover things I take for granted. He gets this look on his face like "O.M.G. Miss Alicia!! Did you see THAT?!?! That was SO COOL!!!!"
I have always loved kids and I have always wanted at least three of my own. Now I am going to school to become a teacher while considering fertility treatments after more than 2 years of trying to get pregnant to no avail. After this nanny experience, I have learned several things are likely to happen when I become a teacher and parent:
1) Patience is a virtue
2) There is nothing more precious in the world than when "the lightbulb" turns on
3) The quickest way to go from a bad/sad mood to a great mood is to get a smile and hug from a precious child
4) The quickest way to go from a good mood to a bad mood is to have a chunk of flesh bitten off by that same child
5) I will get every single little illness the children get and it will be twice as bad as they experienced
6) Their favorite food for the last 6 months can suddenly hold no interest for no apparent reason
7) They don't care if your RA is acting up - they still need you to be on top of your game
8) They grow up waaaaay too fast
And you know what? I wouldn't trade this experience or my future experiences as a teacher and parent for anything in the world.
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I have always loved kids and I have always wanted at least three of my own. Now I am going to school to become a teacher while considering fertility treatments after more than 2 years of trying to get pregnant to no avail. After this nanny experience, I have learned several things are likely to happen when I become a teacher and parent:
1) Patience is a virtue
2) There is nothing more precious in the world than when "the lightbulb" turns on
3) The quickest way to go from a bad/sad mood to a great mood is to get a smile and hug from a precious child
4) The quickest way to go from a good mood to a bad mood is to have a chunk of flesh bitten off by that same child
5) I will get every single little illness the children get and it will be twice as bad as they experienced
6) Their favorite food for the last 6 months can suddenly hold no interest for no apparent reason
7) They don't care if your RA is acting up - they still need you to be on top of your game
8) They grow up waaaaay too fast
And you know what? I wouldn't trade this experience or my future experiences as a teacher and parent for anything in the world.
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Friday, February 4, 2011
Blessings
Every now and then, something happens that reminds you exactly how blessed you are. The last week has been such a moment for me. See, I live in Arizona. Wonderful, warm, dry Arizona where my joints don't ache as often and my depressions are fewer in between. However, the last week, we have experienced record low temperatures and freaking freezing winds...literally. The lows for the last two nights were 18 degrees and 15 degrees (depending on what part of Tucson you live in). Windchill hovered close to 0 degrees. Well, Tucson just isn't used to this so it seems like every building has a busted water pipe or two. Businesses have been closed due to lack of water and tens of thousands of people no longer have heat because of a natural gas shortage.
And yet I still consider myself blessed. Why? First, because I have a home that I can hide from the cold in. Second, I am not one of the tens of thousands without heat. Third, I am not one of the many with busted water pipes. Fourth, my bed is oh so warm. Fifth, my rheumatoid is only just now starting to scream at me (I expected it days ago). And last but certainly not least, I won't be digging out of snow and ice for the next two weeks like the rest of the nation. Bwahahahaha! :P
Please know that even though I count my blessings, I pray for all those who don't have food, shelter, heat, etc., and I pray that all those who have to deal with the snow and ice stay safe and warm.
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And yet I still consider myself blessed. Why? First, because I have a home that I can hide from the cold in. Second, I am not one of the tens of thousands without heat. Third, I am not one of the many with busted water pipes. Fourth, my bed is oh so warm. Fifth, my rheumatoid is only just now starting to scream at me (I expected it days ago). And last but certainly not least, I won't be digging out of snow and ice for the next two weeks like the rest of the nation. Bwahahahaha! :P
Please know that even though I count my blessings, I pray for all those who don't have food, shelter, heat, etc., and I pray that all those who have to deal with the snow and ice stay safe and warm.
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Tuesday, December 7, 2010
On To a Better Day...And Maybe a Better Title??
It is always a challenge when things don't go quite right and external factors affect your best laid plans. It is even more difficult when the unfortunate events involve emotions that can damage friendships you thought were strong, and make you question things you thought you knew about yourself.
The last few days have been a time of learning for me. If you know anything about me at all, you should know how I hate, hate, HATE drama. You should also know how I try to avoid conflict like the plague. Yes, I am one of those people who prefers to stick their head in the sand and wait for it to go away rather than deal with a problem head on. You can now imagine why I had so many problems with relationships in the past.
So when a conflict began to develop between a group I am part of, my automated response is pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe say a couple things that wouldn't ruffle too many feathers, gloss over the situation til we get over this hump, and hope for the best going forward. Unfortunately, this just caused things to steam, simmer, boil, then basically explode. Way to go Alicia. Your method of dealing with conflict is soooooooooo effective.
Then, because of my conflict adverse nature, all the pressure was put on a good friend to solve everything. I felt horribly bad about it, still do, because she has her own crap to deal with. I know I should have a better backbone than I do, but unless it is through typed words, I just plain suck at dealing with confrontation. On paper or through email, I kick ass at it. In person or on the phone, I fold like a piece of tin foil. Lesson one: Just how bad I am at conflict resolution in person.
Another thing you should know about me - stress is a HUGE bipolar trigger for me. This whole situation caused an incredible amount of emotional stress on me. On top of that, it is winter, my worst season of the bipolar year. Add the drama to the winter blues I have been fighting and it results in an emotionally unstable Alicia. I should have put up a sign on my door that says "CAUTION: Unstable environment. Downpours of tears and floods may occur." This may have prevented my neighbor from getting cranky, irritated looks from me yesterday, and it may have prevented another friend from being caught off guard with tears. Follow that with my hubby being pulled over for a registration issue that was supposed to be taken care of...yea...complete meltdown. Lesson two: My mask doesn't work as well when I am being overwhelmed with multiple things going wrong at once.
But then I found comfort in an unexpected place. When I went to apologize for blubbering all over my friend, I was instead reassured I had no reason to apologize. Life was just throwing crap at me like it does to everyone occasionally and I was just doing the best I could to deal with it. After a long talk and a few more tears, I was more comfortable with the situation. I was reminded of something that I know in my head but frequently forget - if these friendships are supposed to last, we will make it through this rough patch. If they aren't meant to last, I need to accept it and move forward because there are others out there I am missing out on by dwelling on things I can't control anymore. Either way, there is nothing I can do at this moment. Only time will tell. Lesson three: I have some really awesome people in my life. Lesson four: I have a really, really crappy memory...or maybe that should be Reminder One for my next post?
The important part of this though, I will survive and today is a new day...and so far, a better day too!
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The last few days have been a time of learning for me. If you know anything about me at all, you should know how I hate, hate, HATE drama. You should also know how I try to avoid conflict like the plague. Yes, I am one of those people who prefers to stick their head in the sand and wait for it to go away rather than deal with a problem head on. You can now imagine why I had so many problems with relationships in the past.
So when a conflict began to develop between a group I am part of, my automated response is pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe say a couple things that wouldn't ruffle too many feathers, gloss over the situation til we get over this hump, and hope for the best going forward. Unfortunately, this just caused things to steam, simmer, boil, then basically explode. Way to go Alicia. Your method of dealing with conflict is soooooooooo effective.
Then, because of my conflict adverse nature, all the pressure was put on a good friend to solve everything. I felt horribly bad about it, still do, because she has her own crap to deal with. I know I should have a better backbone than I do, but unless it is through typed words, I just plain suck at dealing with confrontation. On paper or through email, I kick ass at it. In person or on the phone, I fold like a piece of tin foil. Lesson one: Just how bad I am at conflict resolution in person.
Another thing you should know about me - stress is a HUGE bipolar trigger for me. This whole situation caused an incredible amount of emotional stress on me. On top of that, it is winter, my worst season of the bipolar year. Add the drama to the winter blues I have been fighting and it results in an emotionally unstable Alicia. I should have put up a sign on my door that says "CAUTION: Unstable environment. Downpours of tears and floods may occur." This may have prevented my neighbor from getting cranky, irritated looks from me yesterday, and it may have prevented another friend from being caught off guard with tears. Follow that with my hubby being pulled over for a registration issue that was supposed to be taken care of...yea...complete meltdown. Lesson two: My mask doesn't work as well when I am being overwhelmed with multiple things going wrong at once.
But then I found comfort in an unexpected place. When I went to apologize for blubbering all over my friend, I was instead reassured I had no reason to apologize. Life was just throwing crap at me like it does to everyone occasionally and I was just doing the best I could to deal with it. After a long talk and a few more tears, I was more comfortable with the situation. I was reminded of something that I know in my head but frequently forget - if these friendships are supposed to last, we will make it through this rough patch. If they aren't meant to last, I need to accept it and move forward because there are others out there I am missing out on by dwelling on things I can't control anymore. Either way, there is nothing I can do at this moment. Only time will tell. Lesson three: I have some really awesome people in my life. Lesson four: I have a really, really crappy memory...or maybe that should be Reminder One for my next post?
The important part of this though, I will survive and today is a new day...and so far, a better day too!
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Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Nice To Meet You
In many ways, I consider myself truly blessed. I have a wonderful family, a secure and comfortable life, reasonably good health despite some aches and pains, an incredibly flexible and fulfilling job, and friends who truly love me. But now the holidays are approaching and while this is my absolutely favorite time of year and I simply cannot wait to celebrate, I. Am. Freaking Out.
Holidays are a time for smiles and hugs, greetings and celebrations, fun and laughter, games and cheer. Trust me, I will have all of those. It is the part leading up to it that gets my undies in a bunch, especially this year.
See, my mother-in-law is arriving tonight. 8:30pm. And she will be here through Thanksgiving.
Maybe I should rephrase that. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom-in-law. We get along great and she is one of the sweetest ladies you will ever meet, but she has never been to my home before. The first time I met her, was at her home in Canada. Her turf. The second time I saw her for an extended period was when we visited her in Hong Kong for two weeks. Again, her turf. On her turf, the only thing I have to worry about is me and my actions/appearance. But now, this is going to be at my home...on my turf.
This, in theory, should actually make things more comfortable for me, right? Oh hell no. If anything, it makes it more stressful because now it isn't just about me. It is now my home, my food, my habits, my animals, etc. Now it is my entire life, and though I know better...really I do...I feel like everything I am is now under scrutiny. Did I scrub that toilet well enough? Do I have the food she likes to eat? Do I have enough entertainment things for her? Will she think I corrupted her son somehow? What if she doesn't like our pets? Is our home too cluttered? And because I can always find one more thing to stress about, the dishwasher is now broken. Have I mentioned I hate washing dishes by hand?
And that doesn't even touch on all the possible mishaps for Thanksgiving dinner that I have running through my head.
So yea, in all honesty, she will probably just be thrilled to see her son again for the first time in over a year (hard to visit when she lives on the other side of the world), but this is who I am. I am Alicia and my middle name is Worry. Nice to meet you.
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Holidays are a time for smiles and hugs, greetings and celebrations, fun and laughter, games and cheer. Trust me, I will have all of those. It is the part leading up to it that gets my undies in a bunch, especially this year.
See, my mother-in-law is arriving tonight. 8:30pm. And she will be here through Thanksgiving.
Maybe I should rephrase that. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom-in-law. We get along great and she is one of the sweetest ladies you will ever meet, but she has never been to my home before. The first time I met her, was at her home in Canada. Her turf. The second time I saw her for an extended period was when we visited her in Hong Kong for two weeks. Again, her turf. On her turf, the only thing I have to worry about is me and my actions/appearance. But now, this is going to be at my home...on my turf.
This, in theory, should actually make things more comfortable for me, right? Oh hell no. If anything, it makes it more stressful because now it isn't just about me. It is now my home, my food, my habits, my animals, etc. Now it is my entire life, and though I know better...really I do...I feel like everything I am is now under scrutiny. Did I scrub that toilet well enough? Do I have the food she likes to eat? Do I have enough entertainment things for her? Will she think I corrupted her son somehow? What if she doesn't like our pets? Is our home too cluttered? And because I can always find one more thing to stress about, the dishwasher is now broken. Have I mentioned I hate washing dishes by hand?
And that doesn't even touch on all the possible mishaps for Thanksgiving dinner that I have running through my head.
So yea, in all honesty, she will probably just be thrilled to see her son again for the first time in over a year (hard to visit when she lives on the other side of the world), but this is who I am. I am Alicia and my middle name is Worry. Nice to meet you.
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Saturday, September 11, 2010
Never Forget
In the words of a relative "9 years ago today American's were humbled. We had our innocence, arrogance, invincibility, naivety, security stripped from us but most filled the void with faith and pride. All Americans came together....something we desperately need to do again."
I know every blogger out there will be posting a similar blog posting today, but you know what? I don't care. I don't write this post to follow the crowd and I don't avoid writing this to be different. I write this because my life was changed 9 years ago. All our lives were changed 9 years ago. I write this for all the people who died that day, but I also write this for everyone who has died before and after that day at the hands of hate.
When it happened, I was driving to work. The radio station cut off the song it was playing and the DJ came on and said a plane crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers. They didn't know if it was an accident or not yet.
As I pulled into the parking lot at work, a co-worker was there crying. Another plane hit the second tower. Not an accident. Someone was attacking us, our nation, our values, our soul.
We sat at work watching the news, comforting each other. We sat in shock when we learned of the Pentagon. We panicked together when we heard a hijacked plane was headed for Dallas, then breathed deeply when it was corrected to Dulles, for though we knew we were safe, we had fear for those who weren't.
I joined two dear friends that afternoon. We tried to function normally, going to the grocery store, making meals, but it was all a facade. We watched the towers fall together. We watched the Pentagon and a Pennsylvania field burn. We mourned together, and then we stood strong together. Our nation stood strong together.
And then we started to forget...
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I know every blogger out there will be posting a similar blog posting today, but you know what? I don't care. I don't write this post to follow the crowd and I don't avoid writing this to be different. I write this because my life was changed 9 years ago. All our lives were changed 9 years ago. I write this for all the people who died that day, but I also write this for everyone who has died before and after that day at the hands of hate.
When it happened, I was driving to work. The radio station cut off the song it was playing and the DJ came on and said a plane crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers. They didn't know if it was an accident or not yet.
As I pulled into the parking lot at work, a co-worker was there crying. Another plane hit the second tower. Not an accident. Someone was attacking us, our nation, our values, our soul.
We sat at work watching the news, comforting each other. We sat in shock when we learned of the Pentagon. We panicked together when we heard a hijacked plane was headed for Dallas, then breathed deeply when it was corrected to Dulles, for though we knew we were safe, we had fear for those who weren't.
I joined two dear friends that afternoon. We tried to function normally, going to the grocery store, making meals, but it was all a facade. We watched the towers fall together. We watched the Pentagon and a Pennsylvania field burn. We mourned together, and then we stood strong together. Our nation stood strong together.
And then we started to forget...
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Monday, September 6, 2010
What is Friendship?
So I recently moved to Tucson, AZ from California and by recently I mean about 7 months ago. The transition has been challenging to say the least but the overall experience has been good. I feel healthier and happier than I have in more than a decade. I can move freely with little to no pain from my rheumatoid arthritis, my allergies are manageable, and I have no recurring bouts of kidney stones, ovarian cysts, sinus infections, etc, etc. I no longer have to work full-time, though I choose to work part time and go to school to keep my mind active and thinking. I am getting to pursue my dream of becoming a teacher and I am finding the path more rewarding every day. Yet there is something still plaguing me.
Friendship. When I left California, though I did not have many friends (I can count them on one hand), I left behind the best friends that have ever entered my life (well technically, one left me first *ahem* Missy *cough*). They taught me how to laugh and live again after my divorce. They taught me what it truly means to be alive and the value of life and love. I could count on them for anything. Day or night, if I needed them, they were there. Now I am almost 1,000 miles away from them and while they are still there for me by phone and email and I love them dearly, it just isn't the same. They will always remain my family, but I can't just get up and go say hi to them when I feel like it.
To fill that lack of human connection, I actively started trying to meet people here in Tucson. There are several people who I like to think will become good friends, but as some of the relationships build, I find myself asking "What is friendship"? To me, friendship is calling or texting each other on the phone just to say hi, popping by to see what is new in each other's lives, and asking for and offering help to one another. A friend is someone you can ask for an onion and not feel uncomfortable about it because you know they will ask for a potato later. A friend is someone who will gladly take you in when you just don't feel like being alone. A friend is someone you miss if you haven't seen or talked to them in several days. A friend is someone who will give you a ride someplace because you have no way to comfortably get there.
So tell me then, you who I consider a friend (you know who you are, though I won't call you out by name because that is just rude and something a friend would NOT do), why won't you let me help you? Ever? Why do you find it surprising when I miss you? Why do you find it strange that I want to take care of you when you don't feel well? I like to think of us as friends, but perhaps you don't? Should I even try? Should I just give up on this friendship? I really don't want to.
So can you tell me what friendship is to you?
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Friendship. When I left California, though I did not have many friends (I can count them on one hand), I left behind the best friends that have ever entered my life (well technically, one left me first *ahem* Missy *cough*). They taught me how to laugh and live again after my divorce. They taught me what it truly means to be alive and the value of life and love. I could count on them for anything. Day or night, if I needed them, they were there. Now I am almost 1,000 miles away from them and while they are still there for me by phone and email and I love them dearly, it just isn't the same. They will always remain my family, but I can't just get up and go say hi to them when I feel like it.
To fill that lack of human connection, I actively started trying to meet people here in Tucson. There are several people who I like to think will become good friends, but as some of the relationships build, I find myself asking "What is friendship"? To me, friendship is calling or texting each other on the phone just to say hi, popping by to see what is new in each other's lives, and asking for and offering help to one another. A friend is someone you can ask for an onion and not feel uncomfortable about it because you know they will ask for a potato later. A friend is someone who will gladly take you in when you just don't feel like being alone. A friend is someone you miss if you haven't seen or talked to them in several days. A friend is someone who will give you a ride someplace because you have no way to comfortably get there.
So tell me then, you who I consider a friend (you know who you are, though I won't call you out by name because that is just rude and something a friend would NOT do), why won't you let me help you? Ever? Why do you find it surprising when I miss you? Why do you find it strange that I want to take care of you when you don't feel well? I like to think of us as friends, but perhaps you don't? Should I even try? Should I just give up on this friendship? I really don't want to.
So can you tell me what friendship is to you?
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Saturday, August 28, 2010
Yea, I'm behind. Deal with it.
I would say that the last two weeks have been crazy busy, but if you are on my Facebook, you know I have posted "I'm bored" far too many times to rightfully claim the Busy Lady title. Instead, I will go with limbo. I have been in limbo the last couple weeks. I am caught in this weird oscillation between feeling good and being kinda down, but not really depressed.
More like I feel alone - alone in this big city and no one to really hang out with on a regular basis. Yes, I have been meeting people and spending time with them, getting to know them, but it isn't anything regular. You see, I have this problem. I am not an outgoing person. I have a really, really hard time going to someone's house, knocking on the door, uninvited, and saying "HEY! Wanna hang out?" I have a hard time calling someone up who I am not really close to and saying "HEY! Wanna go do something?" That's not who I am. I fear the rejection. I fear the person thinking I am too pushy or rude. I fear the person thinking I am too clingy or needy. I let what other people think of me matter far too much. Or rather, I let what I think other people think of me matter too much.
And that doesn't even start to touch on my speaking issue. My brain always seems to move far too slow when it counts so 10 minutes later I think "that's what I should have said!" Or I will plan out this whole conversation, then I knock on the door or get to the restaurant where we are meeting and POOF! Everything is gone out of my head and I am officially idiot material. Welcome to my world.
A friend who I have known for years online, but only met once in person and talked a couple times on the phone asked me, "How can you not make friends? You are so cute!" Well, I guess even if I am cute, I don't have the smile or personality that says "Talk to me because I don't know how to start a conversation and keep it going!" On the internet though, through email, IM, chat, blog, Facebook, and all those other online modes of communication, I freakin rock! Maybe it is because I can delete something before putting it out there. You can't really delete words that are already spoken aloud. Maybe because I have more time to think before responding. A quick wit is highly valued in spoken conversations and I just get too nervous with newer relationships to think wittily. Too busy with the "what ifs."
So yea, if you are a newer friend and you happen to read my blog, there's the deal. There is my downfall. So do a new friend a good deed and invite me out, cause I'm too chicken-shit to ask.
Who's idea what this whole "humans being social creatures" thing anyway? They are so fired.
.
More like I feel alone - alone in this big city and no one to really hang out with on a regular basis. Yes, I have been meeting people and spending time with them, getting to know them, but it isn't anything regular. You see, I have this problem. I am not an outgoing person. I have a really, really hard time going to someone's house, knocking on the door, uninvited, and saying "HEY! Wanna hang out?" I have a hard time calling someone up who I am not really close to and saying "HEY! Wanna go do something?" That's not who I am. I fear the rejection. I fear the person thinking I am too pushy or rude. I fear the person thinking I am too clingy or needy. I let what other people think of me matter far too much. Or rather, I let what I think other people think of me matter too much.
And that doesn't even start to touch on my speaking issue. My brain always seems to move far too slow when it counts so 10 minutes later I think "that's what I should have said!" Or I will plan out this whole conversation, then I knock on the door or get to the restaurant where we are meeting and POOF! Everything is gone out of my head and I am officially idiot material. Welcome to my world.
A friend who I have known for years online, but only met once in person and talked a couple times on the phone asked me, "How can you not make friends? You are so cute!" Well, I guess even if I am cute, I don't have the smile or personality that says "Talk to me because I don't know how to start a conversation and keep it going!" On the internet though, through email, IM, chat, blog, Facebook, and all those other online modes of communication, I freakin rock! Maybe it is because I can delete something before putting it out there. You can't really delete words that are already spoken aloud. Maybe because I have more time to think before responding. A quick wit is highly valued in spoken conversations and I just get too nervous with newer relationships to think wittily. Too busy with the "what ifs."
So yea, if you are a newer friend and you happen to read my blog, there's the deal. There is my downfall. So do a new friend a good deed and invite me out, cause I'm too chicken-shit to ask.
Who's idea what this whole "humans being social creatures" thing anyway? They are so fired.
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