Sometimes, You Just Gotta Laugh

Life has a sick sense of humor sometimes, but we have a choice on how to react to it.  We can either curse it, yell, scream, cry, bitch, and moan, or we can choose a healthier path for our soul of laughter and rolling with the punches.  The immediate reaction is not what is important.  Our instincts kick in almost immediately with a reaction of fear, anger, sadness, or excitement.  What is important is our conscious action after we move past the initial shock.

Last week I posted about big decisions we were making and the dreams and goals surrounding them.  Little did I know, my husband was being informed at that same moment that he no longer had a job.  The startup company he was working for lost funding and shut down, laying off everyone.  I can only imagine the things going through my husband's head as he read my blog post that day.

I freely admit that when he told me that night, my heart plummeted and a small panic started in my gut.  Me being the highly emotional person I am, I was quite proud of myself for not letting that panic take over though.  There were some tears later, but I ultimately woke up the next morning ready to face this new challenge head on.  Crying, worrying, and holding on to anger or disappointment solves nothing.  Instead, careful analysis of the situation, running numbers, amassing options, and exploring creative solutions will get us through this.  Let's see where life takes us this time!

Much love!

P.S.  If you know of any designer positions with a gaming company or middle school math/science teaching positions open, let us know!

Oh the Places You'll Go!

Clearly I am not very good at keeping up with this blogging thing, but for those who still read, thank you!  And since you have been so dedicated, you get to see some amazing things coming up!

When we are kids, we often have big dreams and visions.  We imagine going to space, starting our own business, swimming with dolphins, curing cancer, being a rodeo clown, building something from scratch, and so much more.  Somewhere along the "growing up" cycle, we lose a lot of these dreams and visions.  We forget how to imagine the seemingly impossible.  So many fantastic ideas perish at the hand of adulthood, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Obviously one of my biggest projects is starting my own school.  I envision a small school that serves the needs of all its students.  Curriculum slows down or speeds up according to the student's skills and development.  Concepts are taught in a variety of ways to make the information accessible to all.  Life skills are incorporated throughout the skill career so that students learn to teach themselves and develop the skills needed to work through life after the "teacher" is gone.  All of this is wrapped up with real-world incorporation from business professionals who partner with the school to provide knowledge, experience, internships, observations, scenarios, and vision for the future.  Some of the largest strides in society have come from our youngest people.  The goal is to have my school open and accepting students by the summer, and already the interest is high!

As if creating this utopia of a school isn't enough, we have also been fumbling our way through the adoption process.  False starts and changes in course have altered our plans many times, but it feels like we are finally on the right track now.  It has been emotionally and financially taxing, but the experience is and will be worth it.  As we continue with the adoption process though, we have also found another option.  Our insurance covers infertility!  We will be beginning our conception journey at the same time as our adoption journey.  All of this comes together right after my sinus surgery in mid-April.

I know.  It sounds like a lot to accomplish in just a few months.  It also sounds like I am going to overwhelm myself when it is all written out, but here is the amazing part:  For the first time in my life, I feel like everything is exactly how it needs to be for success and I feel very little stress over the whole process.  I have faith in myself and in my spirituality.  I know that faith will carry me through to fulfillment of my dreams.  I know it may not be pretty, but everything will get done exactly as it needs to.  I can see it all so clearly that it already exists.  These dreams, goals, visions, or whatever you want to call them, they are me.  It feels like I found a huge piece of me that I didn't even know was lost.  I feel these are my missing puzzle pieces that I have found.

Now watch  me as I finish the picture...

Dream Big

I've got big dreams.  Huge even.  They are so big that sometimes I actually fear their success.  But this is a demon I am learning to tame.  I am learning to stop focusing on the bad things that *could* happen, and instead, focus on what I want to happen.

See, my dad is always giving me and my hubby stuff that he thinks will help us in some way or another.  Books on healthy eating, advice from Dr. Oz, financial articles to read, etc.  This time, he gave me a book.  In the past, I would have conveniently not found time to read it.  But this time, I figured why not.  My dad is trying to help me and pass knowledge to me.  I should honor him by checking it out.  What I found was an incredibly inspiring story, captivating words, and focus.

The brain is a powerful thing.  What we focus our thoughts on influences what happens in our future.  We may think about what we don't want to happen, but that only puts that at the front of our mind so it is all we find.  This goes back to the saying "Don't think about a red hammer."  And what were you just thinking about?  A red hammer.  Instead, focus on what you want.

This is when my dreams started looking achievable.  I am learning to build focus on what I want my life to look like.  When I picture my life now, I zoom in on the details while maintaining view of my life as a whole.  I can see part of my business incredibly clear now.  I can picture exactly what I am doing in that moment in time and really feel my emotions of the time.  Joy.  Contentment.  Love.  As I wind down for the night and settle into bed, I picture what I want the next day to look like as if it is a guarantee that it will happen.  It may be coincidence, but it has been pretty darn accurate.  Even when the day did not go as well as I had desired, when I honestly reflected, I realized I spent too much of the previous night worrying instead of focusing on what I want to happen.   Thoughts have power.  In the words of Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right."

What are your dreams?  What do you want your future to look like?  Are you focusing on that future or on everything that could prevent that future from happening?

*If you are interested in reading the book I am currently reading, it is called "The Answer" by John Assaraf and Murray Smith.

As One Story Ends, Another Begins in 2014!

Here we are ladies and gents.  New Year's Eve, 2013.  For many, this is a time of reflection on the year past, while others focus on the year to come.  I prefer to do both.

Looking back on 2013 requires revisiting both the bad times and the good.  It was my first full year in San Diego.  The holiday season of 2012 came at the same time as my move to San Diego, making the start of my life here very turbulent.  To say the least, I was utterly miserable at the beginning of 2013.  I was exhausted from school, from student teaching, from hosting holiday dinners and traveling for others.  My poor health management caught up with me and I came down with a nasty bug that felt like it was the end.  I had no friends here, no job, and no motivation.  After living on my own for 18 months, I had to acclimate to sharing my living space with my husband again.  It wasn't just my way anymore.  I had to consider someone else again.  It was a rough adjustment.

Somehow though, that low point merely acted as a springboard for a phenomenal year.  My incredibly patient and loving husband did not fret when my moods were all over the place.  Never one did he falter in his support.  When I finally figured out what I thought I needed to improve the situation, he did not hesitate to help make it happen.  He was there holding my hand the whole time.

As I navigated this new territory, I found myself as a long-term substitute.  Although the experience was challenging beyond imagination, it was also extremely rewarding.  However, the job had to come to an end.  I continued to substitute with various schools and tutor on the side.  I met amazing people and fostered valuable network connections.  Yet I still felt disconnected from the life I was living.

I found myself traveling, a lot.  Traveling  is not a bad thing.  In fact, it is amazing if done for the right reasons.  My best friend helped me realize I was not helping myself though.  My travels weren't just for vacation and to visit friends.  My travels were more about me running away to more comfortable situations than trying to build my life in San Diego.  I realized if I was ever going to be happy here, I needed to dig in and make it happen.

Then came kickball.  I never thought that a schoolyard game could change my life, my outlook.  Kickball filled that vital piece I needed to grow...friendship and community.  I had a reason to leave the house.  I had people to celebrate accomplishments with.  I made some wonderful friends.  I didn't feel so alone and isolated anymore, and this gave me strength to launch into the world here.  Even when things were rough, I had people I could call on now.

Now, I have opportunities to give back to my community and charity.  My tutoring business has continued to grow and my network grows more every day.  As 2013 comes to a close, 2014 is shining bright ahead.  My chapter of emotional struggle is giving way to a chapter of motivation and determination.  This new chapter will bring many challenges as I work to start my new school, increase my fitness, and continue improving my diet and overall being.  I look forward to more opportunities to give back to my community and neighbors.  And hopefully, I look forward to welcoming a child into our home.

2013, Thank you for the lessons you taught me and the strength you built in me, but our time is now down.  2014, Bring it on!

Straight to the Point or Clarity?

As I am responding to emails, chatting with friends, and perusing through Facebook, a thought crosses my mind that *insertname* types way to much.  Just get to the point.  I don't need all the details.  Then, just a couple minutes later, I stop myself as I am typing a response to someone.  I begin to question myself: Do I type too much?  Should I be more straight to the point?  But I feel this information is important to understand what I am saying.  But what if it isn't?  What if my reader sits on the other side of this screening thinking, "Get to the point!"?

Perhaps, when we are beating around the bush, we are simply trying to buy ourselves time.  We could be buying time for any number of reasons, but either way, we are trying to put off the inevitable.  Staying in that sense of limbo, never having to learn what the response will be to your statement or question. Right now, I sit in that very spot.  I have news that I want to share, but I fear the response.  I obviously fear the response of negativity, but I also fear the positive.  If I am supported, it would be even more humiliating if this project did not go as planned, I stumbled or failed.

For better or worse, I can be extremely sensitive and take comments to heart that shouldn't matter in the scheme of things.  There are soooooooo many things that could go wrong and I have never tried something like this before.  As the people of Oz would say, this is "a horse of a different color."  Quite frankly, I am elated and absolutely terrified at the same time. It has me wanting to bolt forward with confidence and excitement, while also wanting to say "Oh, HELL no!" and running away.  Do I take the risk?  Do I share this new, little seedling with the world, or do I let it grow a bit before bringing it out into the elements?  There is no obvious answer.

So now, I have decided to have confidence in myself.  I will make this work.  If I don't have faith in myself, how can others have faith in me?  Have confidence in my product?  So now I will get to the point.

I am a teacher and a damn fine one. I have found so much joy in my work that I have decided to take this to the next level.  I am creating my own school and tutoring center.  I'm building a freakin' business y'all!!!!!

Pick Me Ups!

I spent the last week super down.  Once again, I felt miserable and found it difficult to really do anything at all.  On Wednesday, I literally stayed in bed all day.  After that, I knew I had to force myself to do some stuff.  I knew that being productive would fight against my depression.  I knew just getting out of the house would help elevate my mood.  I knew contact with the outside world would feed my soul.  The rough part is when you know all that, but your body does not want to move.  Sometimes it feels like you are almost paralyzed.  Other times, it feels like you have 1,000 pounds pressing down on you.  Getting out of that state can happen dozens of ways, but once you do, you are so grateful.  

For me, it was commitments.  No matter how depressed I was, my drive to keep my commitments was stronger.  For me, it was pre-planning.  I knew that sometime around the end of November, I start to take a slide.  The amount of daylight greatly affects my moods (SAD).  Armed with this knowledge, I purposely made commitments around this time of the year that would maximize my chances of fighting off the depression.  

So Thursday, I had an appointment that I simply would not cancel.  I went to that appointment, and even though I seriously struggled through it, I left just a little less depressed.  My first step to make winter easier.  Since I was already out, I decided to run some errands because I knew the second I got home, I was not going out again.  This resulted in me being productive, which increased my mood more!  Friday, I had an appointment with my therapist, another pre-planned strategy.  I would not cancel that appointment either.  

Finally, my cake topper.  When I was given the opportunity to join a kickball charity tournament 5 weeks ago, I knew this was on my list of things to do more of and I knew I would never cancel the opportunity to give back.  That event was this weekend.  Friday, I drove to the hotel and got settled.  Then the awesomeness began.  Saturday was the tournament.  Saturday brought rain, including a few downpours and butt-puckering cold wind.  Simply put, it was miserable.  The turnout was amazing though!  Everyone brought their A game. 

 

That's me with the clipboard. I had on tights, two pairs of pants, three shirts, a sweatshirt, the jacket, and two pairs of socks.  I'll be damned if I am going to let the cold keep me from playing.

Rain!  Rain!  Go Away!

"The Bench"

  Then, the clouds parted.  Literally and figuratively.  The sun shined on through and we flipped!  Everyone started having a blast and there was so much laughter.  The cameras came out and all craziness broke loose!  It was just what this soul needed.  By the end of the festivities, I had risen money to give back to my community, had a blast, felt productive, loaded up on vitamin D while outside, and tied it all together with soul-renewing friends.  My weekend was complete. 

 

                           Chicks with Kicks!                             Suspender Hotties!

To Feel Your Heart Break

Today, I have found myself incredibly distracted by all the things in my life that remind me we don't have children yet, and suddenly I am flooded with emotion.

D and I started trying to have children 5 1/2 years ago.  4 years ago, all the tests said our parts were working fine.  Unexplained infertility.  3 years ago, we decided to adopt instead of doing invitro.  2 years ago, we began researching.  1 year ago, we submit our first applications to a few agencies.  6 months ago, we decided to swallow our pride and start shamelessly asking people to help us realize our dream of giving an awesome family to a child in need.  Today, I cried.

I cried for the love that is just waiting to create a home for someone.  Infant, toddler, teen?  We would love them all.  I cried for the money we don't have to finance adopting.  It's not cheap.  Paying the lawyers, the social workers, the facilitators, lodging and expenses from the birth mother, and more adds up quickly.  It just doesn't seem right.  But I want a child.  I want to be that parent that loves and protects a child for the rest of his or her life.  But I have to wait.  I have to be patient.  Save up the money.  Collect donations if you can.  Take extra jobs if you can, either substituting or tutoring.  Keep expenses under control.

I have to be patient.

http://www.gofundme.com/ChinAdoption

Grand Re-Opening!

I know I have been gone for a while.  Things got a little crazy in the last year or so.  Hopefully, I am back and I can start sharing my journeys and experiences with you all again!  To begin, let me give you a little recap of the last 14 months.  Yes, yes.  I know you know the general events, but rather than you refreshing your memory by looking at past posts, I will just do it here.

At this time last year, I was wrapping up my student teaching in Arizona.  Student teaching was one of the most challenging and rewarding things I have ever done.  It truly tested my limits and forced me to think outside the box.  I had bad days where I seriously doubted I would make it through, and I had great days where I was in awe at what my students could do.  With my classmates and my mentor teacher, I laughed, I cried, I pulled my hair out, and I loved.  Despite my fears and inexperience, my students thrived and I finally graduated.

With graduation, I finally got to be back with my husband again.  18 months of living in two separate places takes a toll on a relationship.  The transition back to living together and being a team was rough.  I had gotten used to depending on only myself.  I had gotten used to cooking for one, worrying about only what I needed to do and accomplish.  Suddenly, there was another person in the equation again and I had to relearn how to be a partner instead of the boss.  It was a long process that I was not able to solve myself, but it took me time to accept the help from my partner.

While this was all going on, my body was adjusting to the new climate.  I went from hot and dry to cool and humid and my body did not agree at all!  I spend months achy and depressed as I worked with my docs to adjust my meds accordingly.  Eventually, the Rheumatoid got used to the weather and I was able to function better and summer came along, improving my mood.

Now, I have settled into my life here in So Cal and I am working toward new goals.  My husband and I are trying to raise money to adopt, I am studying for my secondary certifications for teaching in California, I am substituting and tutoring privately, and I am looking into opening my own private school.  That doesn't even count all the plans I have for this house and yard!

So as you can see, I never seem to let myself slow down, but I feel that not only do I need to start blogging again for my own sanity, I also need to put my thoughts, feelings, and solutions out there for others again.  I  may be dreaming, but I believe my words can help others work through tough times in their own lives.  As I get back to blogging, I will continue to put coping strategies out there, share my own experiences, delve into more detail on some of the past events, and express new dreams.  Please feel free to give your input and suggestions.  I want this to be a community where we all help and share with each other.

Day 1 - Accountability

Today, I did something I haven't done in a long time - I put myself through a full workout.  Now, I know I have several friends who do a heck of a lot more than what I did today, but I pushed my muscles to their give in point and that works for me...for now.

Why is this such a big deal?  Before I moved to Arizona, I had been working with a freakin fantastic trainer for about a year (shameless plug for Lance Pimentel at TNT Top Notch Training in Stockton, CA).  I was in the gym nearly every day and I felt phenomenal.  Lance kicked my butt once or twice a week and I kicked my own butt the rest of the week.  I was slimming down, toning up, and had a ton more energy.  I continued the training and the gym in Tucson, but not as enthusiastically.  

Then I lost feeling in my right arm.  It would swing back and forth from numbness to pins and needles.  My hand would swell to the size of a grapefruit and the whole arm and hand were useless.  After weeks of tests, an MRI, and who knows what else (you know my memory sucks), the diagnosis was a severely pinched nerve. What did the doctor do?  He prescribed me a nerve blocking pill.  Um, how exactly does that unpinch the nerve???  Exactly. 

This was when I decided to try chiropractic treatment.  After watching how much it helped my mom, I figured the least I could do was try it.  After just one treatment, I had general feeling back in my arm and hand.  Turns out it was a rib out of place that was pinching that nerve.  After a few weeks, I could grip things again and stopped taking the nerve pills.  After a month or two, I was able to get back in the gym, but I no longer had the motivation and endurance because of the weeks I was banned for doing anything strenuous with that arm.  I was frustrated, and rather than push through like I should have, I quit.  

I have learned a lot since then.  I have learned that taking the easy way out is rarely the best way.  I have learned that physical activity is something my body craves.  I have learned that an overweight person who exercises regularly is still healthier than a person at the "proper" weight who doesn't exercise.  I have learned that physical activity is absolutely VITAL for maintaining functionality with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I stop moving, so do my joints.  So I am starting again. 

Today I took that first step.  Last night as I lay in bed, I planned out my workout.  I caught myself thinking "I will try to workout tomorrow" and realized I was thinking the same way I had been for the last two years.  I then changed that phrase in my head to "No.  I will not try.  I will perform.  I WILL workout tomorrow."  That change in thinking made all the difference.  Now, I know how easy it is to quit.  It is harder to get started than to quit.  And now we are to the point of this post.  

I would love if someone out there would be willing to be my accountability coach.  Because I don't want to spam this blog with my workout regime and I don't want to spam my Facebook wall with my workouts, I am going to start a new blog to track my progress and help me stay accountable.  I want to be able to track my increased endurance and strength.  What better way than a blog!  So, if you are willing to be my accountability coach, or if you want to be my workout partner, come check out my NEW blog at Butt Busting Diva!  I look forward to seeing you there!

A New Chapter

One of my favorite songs is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.  Though you have probably heard it before, for those who haven't, it is a wonderful piece of music dedicated to trying new things, finding your way, and deciding where you want to take your life.  That is where I am right now.  

For the last four years, much of my life has centered around school - becoming a teacher.  At the same time though, life dealt me some curve balls with 4 major moves, the hubby changing jobs 3 times, and me having to live separate from my husband for the last year and a half.  No matter how you look at it, life has been challenging, but the rewards are irreplaceable.  

Today, I know who my true and best friends are.  I know who will always have my back no matter how difficult life becomes. I know so much more about  myself, my motivations, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I have a greater appreciation for life, love, and family.  And as an added bonus, I have confirmation and conviction that I finally found what I am supposed to be when I grow up.  In the last 3 years, my life has fallen into place and at 30 years old, I finally feel like I am becoming who I am supposed to be.  

Now I have new challenges and new questions.  What is the next step in life? What do I want now? What do I need? What are my new goals and dreams? Which friends will continue to walk by my side as I write the next chapter in my life? How can I give back to my friends, family, and community? How do I want to make a difference in our complicated world? These are the soul-searching questions I ask myself as I ponder my future.  As Miss Bedingfield tells us, "the rest is still unwritten."  

My future will be what I make it, but I have to decide what it is I want and need in my future - assuming we survive the apocalypse.  ;)  So tell me, what are some of your goals for the future?  What are your dreams?  How do you want to give back to your community?