Just Give a Little Boost

Rant Warning:  I know, I know.  My first post in what feels like forever and it is a rant.  If you don't want to read this, guess what.  You don't have to!

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There once was a time when my dad and I were at odds over how to handle my Bipolar Disorder.  He was of the belief that all you have to do is think positive and you will be positive.  Although this is an excellent starting point for most people, it is not always the end all, especially for someone with an invisible illness.  It doesn't matter if the illness is something like bipolar or depression, or if it is physical like Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Plain and simple, mind over matter does not cure everything, and quite frankly, it is one of the quickest ways to piss someone off when they have an invisible illness.

Think about it.  Have you ever had something happen to you physically or mentally that nobody else could see, but it was still there, hurting?  Maybe it was when a close friend or family member died.  Maybe you were sick and someone said you were faking it and no one could figure out what was wrong for a while.  Maybe it was a migraine. How about those with nerve pain, muscle weakness, or even cancer?  How did you feel when someone told you to just snap out of it or think positive and it will get better?  I am betting it felt pretty crappy.  And if you have never felt this degrading feeling, just take my word for it and shut your trap.  You don't know every person's journey.  You don't know the baggage they carry.  Stop being so damn cynical and believe someone for once when they tell you they don't feel well.

Now I bet you are wondering why I am ranting about this.  Well, I made a comment about how I will always be at doctor's offices until they find a cure for my illnesses.  The response asked why do I bother if it can't be cured anyway?  Well because I have to be able to function every day.  Then this person blew me off and said that I can function just fine.  What people don't see is how I let myself wince when they can't see me; how I hobble across the room in the morning because my body is so stiff until I shower; how tears fill my eyes when I once again can't open my own damn jar; how I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by my friends; how I take a handful of pills every morning and night just so I can put on that brave face when it hurts so bad to move but I make myself walk normal; how when I stop taking those pills, I literally cannot get out of bed, even if the damn house was on fire; how I recite positive mantras to myself every morning and night to help maintain my mental abilities.  Yes, I function damn well on most occasions, but it is because of a million little things I make sure to do each day to make sure I can at least fake it every day.

So before you reply to me after I mention some ailment I have, consider this.  Either 1) this load is just too much to handle on my own right now and I have to let some of it out or I will completely lose it, or 2) I consider you a very close friend that I can trust to handle me with care when I let my guard down and let you see the real me. So don't feed me crappy lines like "Think positive and you will BE positive!"  I've tried that shit and sometimes it just doesn't work.  Instead, stop listening with your ears and start listening with your heart, like my dad did.  After a particularly rough night when my dog ran away, my dad and I had a very intense and passionate conversation.  He finally listened to the message behind the words and not just the words.  He realized that I am not motivated the same way as my mom and brother.  He has to take a softer approach with me.  Instead of going drill sergeant, offer a helping hand and encouragement.  Chances are all I need is a small boost.

Sneaky Hate Spiral

A wonderful friend of mine linked one of my favorite blogs about the Sneaky Hate Spiral and that was sooooo my day yesterday.  And as I was telling her about what exactly happened, that got me to that OH. MY. GOD.  EVERYTHING MUST DIE!!!!  moment, it occurred to me -- this is exactly the kind of stuff people blog about!!!!  And by "people" I mean everyone but me because I am a horrible blogger and I never think I have anything interesting to write about.

So, first, go read about the Sneaky Hate Spiral and then read about my day!

Back?  Ok.

So that was totally me today! It all started with the cat playing with a toy - you know, the ones that have little bells in them to make them more fun for the cat and more annoying for the human?  Yea, that one.  No, I don't know why I bought it.  I just know I likely though "OH!  They will LUV playing with that!"  Of course, it never occured to me they would love to play with it at ungodly hours and wake me up an hour before my alarm.  

After I threw the toy across the room took the toy away hid the toy, then the neighbor was up and about upstairs and had unusually heavy feet today.  Since it was obvious I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep, I proceeded to lay in bed and hope for sleep.  Yea.  Didn't happen.

Suddenly, I heard the garbage truck and thought "OH NO!  I forgot to take the cans out last night!"  So there I go, bounding out of the house with my hair all askew in my pajamas (which consist of very short, thin shorts and barely an excuse for a tank top) with my boobs flopping this way and that because I had no bra on, just to pull the cans to the curb before the garbage man drives away and I am stuck with stinky, full cans for the next week.  Yea, that had to have been a sight.  

Then, for the life of me, I could not find my damn keys in any less than 15 minutes.  When I finally got them and turned the car on, the the car radio was BLASTING only God knows what cause I hit that power button so fast I broke a nail which was quickly followed by a very unladylike word.  

At this point, I am already 10 minutes late leaving the house so naturally, I hit every, single red light between home and my destination, only to realize I had the wrong destination.  Yep. The stupid address in the stupid GPS was wrong.  Totally NOT my fault.  So I fix the GPS's screwup, cause again, not my fault, and I proceed to once again hit every,single red light between my false destination and my REAL destination. The traffic light gods hate me. 

I am now 20 minutes late for my appointment and I find every single parking spot on the street was taken except one.  Upon actually parking the car and exiting the vehicle, I find out that the stupid parking meter is broken. Grumbling, I move the car to another spot that happened to free itself of its previous vehicular occupant and this one had an electronic parking meter...across the street.  Naturally, this is a busy street and there were lots of cars so I had to wait for the walk signal at the light. We already know how traffic lights feel about me today.  

After sitting there for forever, I get across the stupid street to the meter and the thing didn't have the values of the buttons marked. Since I am already irritated and horribly late, I just push a bunch of them until it says I have paid the maximum amount, a mere 30 freaking minutes.  Then wait at the evil light again to go back to the car to put the validation on the dash. Upon placing my parking validation on the dash, locking and closing the door, and turning around to look at the light, I realized I would have to wait...again...to go back to the other side of the street where my actual destination was.  My head exploded inside.  

I unlocked my car, got inside, shut the door, and screamed bloody murder and beat on my steering wheel for about 2 minutes straight.  

Hate Spiral - 1.  Alicia - 0. 

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Learning Who My *Real* Friends Are

Ever thought you knew someone, and then one day you find out they totally aren't who you thought they were?  Ever thought you could count on someone and then when you really needed them, they weren't there?  That was my night last night.  I needed a friend, and I chose to take a chance and call on someone and they weren't there.  Then when they finally showed up, well, lets just say I was disappointed.  A very dear friend is dying and I get to hear about how parts of my life are screwed up.  Yea.  Helpful.  Oh if they only knew all the shit I did for them and the crap I went through. 

Today, I have a migraine, so I went back to bed to take a little nap and I am woken up by a text message from this same person essentially saying I screwed up somehow and I am now written out of their life forever.  Do you think they tell me what it was I did?  No.  Do you think they give me a chance to refute whatever accusation is going on here?  No.  Do you think they respond when I ask what the hell I did this time?  No.

Well guess what.  I don't give a damn anymore.  I do not have the mental or emotional energy to deal with this kind of childish bull shit anymore.  I have more important things in my life to deal with.  I have a husband who was laid off and is looking for a new job.  I have school that is kicking my ass because I am taking double classes right now.  I am having sinus surgery in a week.  I have rheumatoid arthritis that I have to manage without one of my medications because of that surgery.  I have a dear family friend, someone who is family despite the lack of blood relation, who I have known since I was 8, who is dying of lung cancer and may be leaving this world any day now.  I have a best friend who I fear is on the verge of collapse because of all the shit she has going on in her life.  I have my own insecurities and esteem issues to deal with.  So you wanna write me off without telling me what I did?  Fine.  Good riddance.  Have a nice life, cause I don't give a good God damn anymore. 



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Valentine's Day - Don't Be Lazy Big Spender

Today is Valentine's Day.  Florists, confectioners, and gift companies make millions of dollars on this day - all in the name of love.  And you know what?  I hate it. 

I know most people who don't like Valentine's Day are single people.  I used to be that single person who hated Valentine's Day and swore the only reason it existed was so people in relationships could rub it in the face of single people, but now I am married to one of the most caring, understanding men I have ever met.  And guess what...I still don't like Valentine's Day.  Want to know why?  If you don't, then go away.  Otherwise, read on!  hehe.

Now, let me begin by saying I fully support the idea behind Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate love, but the intentions are not always so good now.  I could say the main reason I don't like Valentine's Day is because of what corporate America has done to the holiday.  What was once a celebration of love is now an excuse for retailers to try and steal our wallets and pummel us with what they think Valentine's Day should look like - filled with expensive jewelry and chocolate. 

Like I said, I could say that was the main reason I don't like today.  But my dislike goes to a more emotional level.  Blame it on the Pisces in me.  My great dislike for this day actually goes to the celebration of love and relationships. Yes, yes.  I can hear you now.  "But Alicia, you just said you fully support the idea behind Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate love."  That is correct, I do.  However, this day has made us lazy.  Now that there is an "official" day to show you love someone, we seem to forget we should show we care all year long. 

We all do the obligatory "I love you" as we walk out the door for work or errands or whatever, but how often do you stop and really say it like you mean it?  How often do you look the person in the eye and say it the way you really feel it?  How often do you buy your significant other a card that says you care?  How often do you bring them even a single flower?  And how many women believe that it is all the responsibility of the man to do this stuff?  Guess what girls.  You Are WRONG!!  That's right, guys like to know you really care too.  Sure, a card or flower might seem cheesy to give to a guy, but if you do it in private, even the "manliest" man will appreciate the intention behind it.

And while we are going down this path, there is one more thing.  Who the hell said that showing you cared required spending money?  Does the guy who gives a $500 necklace really love his woman more than the guy who just makes breakfast in bed or prepares a nice home-cooked dinner by candlelight because that is all they can afford?  Hell no.  In fact, I think that says way more than some damn necklace.  Something that has some thought put into it that you couldn't just pick up at the store on the way home is much nicer. 

So what did we learn today?

Valentine's Day shouldn't be a once a year deal.  Show how much you care all throughout the year. 
You don't have to spend money to say I love you and make your significant other feel all warm and fuzzy.
Girls - It's not all about you!  Guys need to know you care too!  Pull the stick out of your ass.

And to my Valentine, my family, and my friends, I love you with every fiber of my being.  Thank you for being mine.


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Can One Letter Really Make a Difference? Uh...yea.

It has been a while since I've posted so I figured now is as good a time as any, and what better topic than boobs!  That's right, boobs.  Even better, I am going to talk about my boobs!  Or rather, bitch about them.  Why you ask?  Simple.  Because they have made my life more difficult lately. 

See, I am a fairly well-endowed woman.  No, you don't get to see pictures.  For the last, oh, I dunno, decade I have been a DD cup.  Also known as Double-Dang boobs.  For a long time, I hated them.  With a passion.  They get in the way, they cause horrible back pain, shopping for shirts is a royal pain, and bathing suits?  Forget it.  People and objects run into them  and people stare at them.  I swore if I ever had the money, I would get a reduction.  Then somewhere in the last 3 or 4 years, my attitude shifted.

Now I love my boobs...usually...because there are so many women out there who wish they had boobs like mine.  I figured rather than hate them, I should be thankful for what I have.  Embrace them.  Nurture them.  And find clothes and bathing suits that  flatter them.  No easy task, mind you.  But I had adapted and grown to love them.  Yes, I now LOVE my boobs.  My big, beautiful boobs. 

But now, I am a little irritated with them again.  Why?  Because apparently they decided to grow again over the last several months.  That's right.  I am now a DDD.  Fan-freaking-tastic.  The thought really didn't bother me at first because I figured I dealt with them before, I can deal with them now.  Until I went bra shopping.

See, bra shopping was always an adventure because there is always a very limited selection of DD bras in my favorite stores.  I discovered when I went in search of DDD bras that none of my favorite stores carry any of that size in store.  N.O.N.E.  Queue long list of swear words.  Even Victoria's Secret failed me!!!  Just when I was about to blow a gasket, I called my mother who always has the answers.  She told me to check the higher end department stores like Macy's.  Ugh, I hate that place.  But guess what.  As usual, mom was right...again.

While their selection wasn't anything to throw a party over, I was able to find several bras that fit properly and didn't look like my grandmother should be wearing them.  So now my beautiful, big, fantastic boobs have limited me to one, single store for bra shopping...or online.  Bra shopping online just doesn't seem right.


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It's definitely you, not me.

Of all the things that come rolling through Facebook that are opinionated and possibly controversial, one of them really gets me riled up.  How often do I talk about politics?  Not often.  I don't like arguing politics with anyone because far too many people are ignorant of the events and base their opinions solely on media coverage which is undoubtedly biased (Sorry Fox, "fair and balanced" my ass).  Every now and then, something really strikes a nerve with me that causes me to throw caution to the wind and speak up despite whatever ignorant flak I might catch.

Today and tomorrow (or whenever I get my next post out), it is all about Muslims.  Several weeks ago, this whole thing blipped onto my radar with posts and groups against a particular mosque being built in New York: 

"If you think that putting up a mosque 600 ft. from ground zero and have the inauguration, on the anniversary of 9/11 in 2011, is immoral, inhuman and a complete lack of respect for the memories, of all that perished there, on that day and their survivors. That politicians are...doing a grave injustice to the fallen heroes, their families and all the people of New York City and America, THEN PLEASE COPY AND REPOST." 


Seriously?!?!  Are you freaking kidding me?  This post being spread around is full of misinformation and an elitist, better than thou attitude.  First of all, by saying 600 ft, whoever started the post intends to make it sound like this place is practically being built on Ground Zero itself, which is not true.  This "600 ft" actually equates to nearly 2 1/2 full blocks away from the outer most edge of the World Trade Center site.  Close, yes, but not the shock and awe close that was intended.  Second, this proposed project is not just a mosque.  Yes, a mosque will be included, but the plan also includes a community center with both Islamic and interfaith programming, a performing arts center, a gym, and a swimming pool.  This complex is to be very similar to one already built on the upper east side of Manhattan.  


Finally, there is just the attitude behind these posts that lights my fire.  If this was a proposed Catholic or Mormon church, no one would be claiming it was "immoral, inhuman" and disrespectful.  So why is this claimed of the Muslim religion?  Last time I checked,  terrorists do not include each and every person of the Muslim community.  In fact, many terrorists have been varying branches of Christianity or Atheist.  One cannot group the entire Muslim community into the terror category. Yes, there are some Muslims that are terrorists, but there are also Christians that are terrorists, Jews,... etc.

Beyond that, innocent Muslims died in those buildings too. No one ever thinks of that. If they want to build a mosque there, I say go right ahead.  I honestly do not have a problem with it. For all anyone knows, they could be doing this to remember their own fallen family members who were innocent victims as well. Perhaps they are trying to build better interfaith relationships.  Just because a person or group of people make a choice that would be different from what you make or prefer does not give you the right to criticize and accuse. That makes us no different than those who are out to kill us and bring us down. Try seeing things from another point of view.

As for the supposed opening day on 9/11/11, the construction hasn't even freaking begun yet.  If you have any experience with construction, you know that it never goes to plan and it never ends on time.  But even if it did and they did have an inauguration on 9/11, yea, it might make some people uncomfortable, but it is far from immoral and inhumane. Again, for all we know, they could be holding it on 9/11 to remember their own people who fell in those towers. Again, no one ever thought of that, did they?  Let's all just assume that everything any Muslim does is for evil purposes.  Yea, that will fix things.  


So here is the deal.  When you see these things, instead of allowing yourself to have a knee-jerk response and forwarding posts that only promote more intolerance and hate, try to look at it from another angle and try to verify some of the facts.  I don't want to have to break up with you.  It's not me, it's you.


Some sources to explore: 

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2011400,00.html


http://articles.cnn.com/2010-07-14/us/new.york.ground.zero.mosque_1_landmark-status-landmark-preservation-commission-mosque?_s=PM:US 

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/guestvoices/2010/08 /mosque_near_ground_zero_its_about_the_community_stupid.html 

http://www.minnpost.com/worldcsm/2010/09/07/21191/muslims_tread_carefully_around_proposed_mosque_near_ground_zero 


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