Today is one of those days where I just can't be positive all day. I hurt. Physically, my body is screaming. This cold front is just killing my joints and I have a headache. Emotionally, I just don't have it right now. Every winter, I fight it with all I have. I fight the negative thoughts, the self-deprecating, the crappy esteem, the "nobody loves me" mentality. I fight the thoughts that say "why bother?" It is hard because I know better. I know that it is just the depression lying to me, and the last thing I want to do is make my friends and loved ones think they don't matter when I make comments like "nobody loves me." I know better, but right now, my emotions don't feel it.
Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel and do your best to push through to the other side. I can only hope that my friends and family can understand and remember that when I get angry, sad, depressed, pissy, or irritated, it really isn't me talking. It is the depression talking. I am fighting it with all I have, to hold it back, to lock it away, but this beast is big and breaks down my walls with ease. But this will pass, as it always does. Come the end of February/beginning of March, the clouds in my soul will begin to part again and my cheery smile will come more easily. Til then, I will do the best I can, and I hope you will continue to stand by me.
