Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The higher they fly...

...the faster they fall.  The same is true for the distance they fall, and I am falling pretty fast without knowing where I will stop. 

A couple weeks ago I posted about my fun little roller coaster ride of bipolar hypo-mania.  Well, that was the upside of the coaster, and now I am on the down-side.  The problem is I don't know how my "new" friends here in Tucson will take it.  I am blessed to have true friends who love and care for me all over the country.  No matter what stupid ass thing I do, I know you will always be there, waiting to help me pick my stupid ass up off the ground.  Luckily, I also feel like I have built some great relationships with some people here, but much of them were forged in "happy, happy, joy, joy, everything is freaking awesome and perfect and I can rule the world" Alicia.  Now "I am sad and pathetic and not worth anyone's time and everyone is only friends with  me cause they pity me and FML" Alicia has emerged.  As you can imagine, the first version is a lot easier to be friends with than the second version.  So what is the first thing I do when the latter Alicia comes around?  I push people away naturally!  Makes complete sense, right?  DUH!  Sigh.

So now these "new" friends are hearing go away, leave me alone, I'm not interested and even as I say this stuff, I think in my head, WTF are you doing Alicia?  It's like word vomit - an uncontrollable spewing of words despite what the speaker actually wants to say.  Word vomit is inevitably followed by seclusion because you can't believe what you just did and you can't take it back because then you just look fickle and indecisive or like you are playing games with people.  Then I come here to spew word vomit all over my blog because it is the only place I seem to be able to speak even semi-coherently.  Don't you feel special?  You should, after all, I am actually helping you.  See, I screw shit up so you know what NOT to do.  I sacrifice for you, my blessed reader.   

Now, what is the lesson here class?  I hope you know because I'm not really sure.  I just wonder whether these people know me well enough in such a short time to take what I say with a grain of salt while I am down, or if these newly formed relationships can survive the crap I am bound to put them through as I try to dig my way out of this darkness.