This Is Me, Take It or Leave It

Caution:  This may confuse the hell of out you.  Welcome to my spinning stream of consciousness.  Have fun!

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Someone asked me the other day why I write this blog.  Honestly, there is no simple, single answer.  This blog exists for several reasons.  The first reason I began it was to show the world that not all people who have Bipolar Disorder are maniacs who go shooting up malls and schools.  There are thousands of us who seek treatment for our disorder and lead healthy, productive lives, yet people shy away from us when they find out we have a "mental illness."  But this blog has turned into much more. 

Sometimes, it is my sounding board; my place to vent when everything seems to be going against me.  Other times, I use it to announce to the world something that just blew my mind!  There are days when I feel like all I can do is help people, so I share some of that information and tips on here as well.  And finally, it is also partly my diary.  

When I write here, I am both writing to you, my audience, but also to myself.  For better or worse, I put myself out here for learning.  I want my readers to learn to see beyond the stereotypes, beyond your own fears, beyond insecurities, and open up to another view.  So many people see things only one way in this world, and they forget that there are thousands, even millions, of different aspects to any situation.  Don't assume that your way is the only correct way.  

Anyway, I am getting off track.  What I want you to know is that when I write here, this is me and what I tell you comes from my heart.  Sometimes I am crass, but can't we all be sometimes?  Sometimes I am all pixies and rainbows!  Isn't that nice?  And sometimes I am so far down that I can't even see that the sky is blue anymore.  What you "see" is what you get.  You get to witness a small part of my mind that gives hints to how I think, react, feel.  

Heck, you might even get to "watch" me work through a revelation or idea.  Like right now, I am questioning why I am writing this post?  Do I feel like I need to validate myself?  Do I have to explain what I write?  I shouldn't have to.  It should be implied that these are my thoughts and experiences.  On one hand, I don't want to care what you think about me or any of that, but on the other hand, I have times where I really hope you won't judge me.  I have reasons for my actions, feelings, opinions.  Rather than jumping to conclusions, engage me in conversation.  Ask me.  I will answer nearly anything.  You may be shocked at what I would answer. 

Bah!  And there my mind goes again.  I'm good at tangents.  Long story short, this is me.  Take it or leave it. 

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And this is where I went back to the top to put a caution label on this post.  Ha!  I wanna keep writing and sharing.  Feel free to stop reading at any time. 

So this is really late at night, Sunday morning.  I have been "sick" for 10 days.  I put sick in quotes because I haven't really felt "sick" by the usual definition.  No.  What I have had for the last 10 days is this insanely horrible headache.  It was so bad at times I could not see anything but fuzz.  I also was sleeping 12-14 hours a day and still needed a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon.  Now luckily, the last two days have brought some relief.  My energy is finally coming back, though slowly.  I wake up rested now after 9 or 10 hours and I can  though I find myself tired in the afternoon, I can still function.  The headache has receded significantly in the last 2 days and now it is coming and going instead of constant.  When it is present, I can function through it. 

And you know what?  The docs still don't know what the heck is/was wrong with me.  Yea, they don't know.  I had a CT scan, an EKG, and some bloodwork done.  All came back acceptable. All they have been able to tell me inflammation of my left sinuses.  Well, no shit Sherlock.  I have allergies and they have been bad lately!  But why?  Why am I still having these problems when I am on allergy shots, have a nasal spray, AND take Zyrtek daily?  /rant end

But now, after 10 days, my mood is seriously starting to suffer.  I feel the walls closing in, feeling more like a cage rather than a shelter.  Trying to stay positive while feeling miserable is exhausting.  I don't have the energy to fight it anymore right now.  Hopefully I can have some energy soon to take me out of the house for something fun, not just the necessities like grocery shopping and the pharmacy.  

I need some fun soon or this hole is gonna be tough to crawl out of. 

Coping with the Holidays

Don't you just love seeing all the holiday decorations around town?  Everywhere you go, there are Thanksgiving and Christmas themes.  A blowup turkey here, a Christmas tree there, the Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas debate.  Then there is the endless ideal image of what the holidays are supposed to look like, including the red and orange of fall, the bundled up kids, snow on the streets, a long table lined with family down either side, a lighted Menorah, and the presents under the tree.  These are all images that are meant to evoke the emotion of happiness, thankfulness, and content.

However, many people struggle with the holidays.  Some struggle because they recently lost a loved one and the table feels empty without them.  Others become overwhelmed with the crowds and noise.  Whether you find yourself depressed from the season change or you simply have no positive memories of the holidays, we all have a choice in how we react to the negative emotions.

For me, I dip in and out of depressions throughout the year, but they are typically more severe and persistent during the winter months, beginning about mid-November.  As you might expect, this frequently affects my ability to enjoy the holiday season.  I look forward to seeing my family and having that break, but many times it comes with unreasonable expectations.  Though the last few years have been much better, I am going in prepared this year!  I choose to do all I can to ensure I engage in practices that help maintain a positive mood and environment.  Here are a few things you might consider as well.

1. Enlist support
2. Make a plan. Options include (but not limited to):
• Enlist the help of loved ones. In my case, my hubby is helping me in this "quest"
• Brainstorm ways to fight depressive situations.  In my case, I am not allowed to spend hours in front of the TV.  Yes, I can have football on, but actively staring at the screen for 12 hours only fuels depression. 
• Keep occupied/busy, but not so busy that you overwhelm yourself.  It is a fine balancing act to find just the right amount of activities to keep you positively stimulated, but not so much that you can't take a break if wanted. For me, this includes things like playing card/board games, helping* prepare the meals, plenty of reading material, and adoption paperwork.  These are all activities that can be stopped somewhat easily.  Note: helping means not being the sole person responsible for the meal.  You are simply helping when comfortable but not the main chef. 
• Plan a couple activities that require leaving the house.  Even if the weather is chilly, leaving the house is huge.  For me, I am planning on attending a T-day lite-up downtown event and checking out a food truck faire!  Two events in 7 days is enough to keep me motivated, but not overwhelmed, turning fun activities into work. On the off days, I will plan to talk a walk around the block, through the neighborhood, down the schoolyard, or basically anywhere else.  The walk can be as long or as short as I want, with a minimum of "to the neighbor's house." The simple act of leaving the house helps to awaken your senses, increase your vitamin D levels, combats SAD, and increases blood floor, all of which fights depression.  
• Most importantly, be gentle on yourself.  I don't care if you are having a Thanksgiving dinner for work, with loved ones, or by yourself, be gentle on yourself.  You do not have to meet someone else's expectation of you.  You do not even have to meet your expectation of what you should do.  All you have to do is show up. Showing up is half the battle; you have already beaten one symptom of depression - isolation.  For the rest of the visit, accept your needs and honor them.  If you need to sleep in, do so.  If you need to cancel a dinner date, do so.  If you need to go out, do so.  If you need to read a book, do so.  If you need to take a break and hide in the bathroom for a while, do so.  You have to take care of yourself.
3. Be flexible.  If you are one of those people who need to plan everything out, go for it, but also plan in some extra wiggle room.  In my case, I have blocks on my mental plan.  Drive days, scheduled events, then I have generic blocks.  One says "game of choice" and the other says "other home activity" (which includes walking since it is around the neighborhood) and they both exist on every day during the visit.  If you want more details, feel free to message me.  If you are the type that plays it by ear, set an alarm in your phone to ensure that you take some required fun/take care of you time. 

Finally, if none of that helps and you still find your thoughts/feelings going to dark places, accept it and talk about it.  It doesn't matter who.  You might call your psychiatrist or therapist, or talk to your best friend, family member, spouse, parent, God, journal, blogger, or stranger.  Talk to someone about it and really listen to any legal, reasonable suggestions to help elevate your mood.  They may be something you try or not, but at least you have options now.  

I didn't mean for this to become so long, but if you stuck with me, Congratulations!  We are almost done!  Remember, everyone has their own battles to fight.  Do not assume yours is greater than another's.  Do not assume yours is insignificant.  So this season, smile a little brighter, be a little more kind, be a little more gentle.  You never know when your smile can make or break a day for someone. 

My Latest "Great" Idea

So I came across this wonderful article today about the writing process and how it is a journey of trial and error, blood, sweat, and tears.  It was written so well that I was inspired to revisit an old idea of mine.  I have played with this idea for years.  It has lingered in the back of my mind, just waiting for the right time to come bursting out onto paper...or the keyboard.

The idea?  Oh, its a book.

In the past, I have pushed the idea back into its dark hole, convincing myself it would be a horrible idea.  I mean, first of all, we all know how sucky of a writer I am (yea right).  Second, I get writer's block so easily with academic papers, what makes me think I could come up with enough to fill an entire book?  Obviously, not possible.  Third, the book I am thinking of writing is all about me, which we know would be boring as hell.  Fourth, it would focus on my journey through health issues and life in general as, what I like to call, a Bipolar Survivor.  Who the hell would want to read that crap?  And finally, it would require me opening up and sharing deep, dark, personal secrets and thoughts for all the world to read.

Yep.  Totally a horrible idea.  What the hell was I thinking.  I should abandon this quest line immediately.

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