Saturday, August 28, 2010

Yea, I'm behind. Deal with it.

I would say that the last two weeks have been crazy busy, but if you are on my Facebook, you know I have posted "I'm bored" far too many times to rightfully claim the Busy Lady title.  Instead, I will go with limbo.  I have been in limbo the last couple weeks.  I am caught in this weird oscillation between feeling good and being kinda down, but not really depressed. 

More like I feel alone - alone in this big city and no one to really hang out with on a regular basis.  Yes, I have been meeting people and spending time with them, getting to know them, but it isn't anything regular.  You see, I have this problem.  I am not an outgoing person.  I have a really, really hard time going to someone's house, knocking on the door, uninvited, and saying "HEY!  Wanna hang out?"  I have a hard time calling someone up who I am not really close to and saying "HEY! Wanna go do something?"  That's not who I am.  I fear the rejection.  I fear the person thinking I am too pushy or rude.  I fear the person thinking I am too clingy or needy.  I let what other people think of me matter far too much.  Or rather, I let what I think other people think of me matter too much. 

And that doesn't even start to touch on my speaking issue.  My brain always seems to move far too slow when it counts so 10 minutes later I think "that's what I should have said!"  Or I will plan out this whole conversation, then I knock on the door or get to the restaurant where we are meeting and POOF!  Everything is gone out of my head and I am officially idiot material.  Welcome to my world. 

A friend who I have known for years online, but only met once in person and talked a couple times on the phone asked me, "How can you not make friends?  You are so cute!"  Well, I guess even if I am cute, I don't have the smile or personality that says "Talk to me because I don't know how to start a conversation and keep it going!"  On the internet though, through email, IM, chat, blog, Facebook, and all those other online modes of communication, I freakin rock!  Maybe it is because I can delete something before putting it out there.  You can't really delete words that are already spoken aloud.  Maybe because I have more time to think before responding.  A quick wit is highly valued in spoken conversations and I just get too nervous with newer relationships to think wittily.  Too busy with the "what ifs." 

So yea, if you are a newer friend and you happen to read my blog, there's the deal.  There is my downfall.  So do a new friend a good deed and invite me out, cause I'm too chicken-shit to ask.

Who's idea what this whole "humans being social creatures" thing anyway?  They are so fired.