Just Give a Little Boost

Rant Warning:  I know, I know.  My first post in what feels like forever and it is a rant.  If you don't want to read this, guess what.  You don't have to!

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There once was a time when my dad and I were at odds over how to handle my Bipolar Disorder.  He was of the belief that all you have to do is think positive and you will be positive.  Although this is an excellent starting point for most people, it is not always the end all, especially for someone with an invisible illness.  It doesn't matter if the illness is something like bipolar or depression, or if it is physical like Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Plain and simple, mind over matter does not cure everything, and quite frankly, it is one of the quickest ways to piss someone off when they have an invisible illness.

Think about it.  Have you ever had something happen to you physically or mentally that nobody else could see, but it was still there, hurting?  Maybe it was when a close friend or family member died.  Maybe you were sick and someone said you were faking it and no one could figure out what was wrong for a while.  Maybe it was a migraine. How about those with nerve pain, muscle weakness, or even cancer?  How did you feel when someone told you to just snap out of it or think positive and it will get better?  I am betting it felt pretty crappy.  And if you have never felt this degrading feeling, just take my word for it and shut your trap.  You don't know every person's journey.  You don't know the baggage they carry.  Stop being so damn cynical and believe someone for once when they tell you they don't feel well.

Now I bet you are wondering why I am ranting about this.  Well, I made a comment about how I will always be at doctor's offices until they find a cure for my illnesses.  The response asked why do I bother if it can't be cured anyway?  Well because I have to be able to function every day.  Then this person blew me off and said that I can function just fine.  What people don't see is how I let myself wince when they can't see me; how I hobble across the room in the morning because my body is so stiff until I shower; how tears fill my eyes when I once again can't open my own damn jar; how I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by my friends; how I take a handful of pills every morning and night just so I can put on that brave face when it hurts so bad to move but I make myself walk normal; how when I stop taking those pills, I literally cannot get out of bed, even if the damn house was on fire; how I recite positive mantras to myself every morning and night to help maintain my mental abilities.  Yes, I function damn well on most occasions, but it is because of a million little things I make sure to do each day to make sure I can at least fake it every day.

So before you reply to me after I mention some ailment I have, consider this.  Either 1) this load is just too much to handle on my own right now and I have to let some of it out or I will completely lose it, or 2) I consider you a very close friend that I can trust to handle me with care when I let my guard down and let you see the real me. So don't feed me crappy lines like "Think positive and you will BE positive!"  I've tried that shit and sometimes it just doesn't work.  Instead, stop listening with your ears and start listening with your heart, like my dad did.  After a particularly rough night when my dog ran away, my dad and I had a very intense and passionate conversation.  He finally listened to the message behind the words and not just the words.  He realized that I am not motivated the same way as my mom and brother.  He has to take a softer approach with me.  Instead of going drill sergeant, offer a helping hand and encouragement.  Chances are all I need is a small boost.

Help Us Start a Family!

I know I haven't posted anything recently and I apologize for that.  With work and school, I just got out of the habit.  A quick update on things.

D has been working with a new startup computer game company and things are going great!  He is loving his job and the process is really starting to ramp up now.  As for me, I have been substituting like mad!  I have had work every day I have wanted it.  For the last 9 weeks, I have been on a long-term substitute job teaching 8th grade physical science.  It has been a mix of amazing awesomeness and incredible WTF moments.  I am telling you what.  Middle school kids have some very strange logic.  But the teachers I work with and the administration have been nothing but supportive and it has been a wonderful experience!

Next week is my last week as a long-term sub.  I am then giving  myself a much needed week off and going back to Tucson to see my girls receive their diplomas and visit my friends, one of which has this adorable little girl that I must cuddle and snuggle and sniff and quite possibly steal away!  Hehe.

Speaking of little ones, I wanted to share our latest adventure with you.  Hubby and I are officially working on the adoption process.  The problem is that it is soooooooo freakin expensive.  As such, we are doing everything we can to try to raise the $20k+ we have to come up with to start our family.  If you are able and willing to donate to our cause, we would greatly appreciate it.  Even a dollar helps us get that much closer.  Thank you for being such loyal readers and friends!

Honoring the Past, Looking Forward to the Future

Today, I finally put away the Nativity Scene.  I know Christmas is long gone, but having it up gave me a sense of closeness with my Oma.  My brother and I would help her set it up every year we were near.  Carefully we would place each piece in whatever arrangement met our fancy that year.  It was always set up on this long, dark table that sat against the wall in the formal living room. It was one of the first things you saw when you entered her house.  Setting up the Nativity Scene was one of many traditions we shared with Oma.

As I wrap each of the pieces in gobs of tissue paper, I try to be as gentle as possible.  Most of the pieces are in excellent condition but a few are chipped and worn.  In particular, poor Joseph's paint is cracking all over the place.  He gets the most tissue and the least direct handling.  Each piece is placed carefully inside the handmade manger before wrapped carefully in plastic and stored in a plastic tote.

As I wrap, I notice a piece of paper stuck to the bottom of one of the figures.  It has the shape and texture of one of those cheap sticky price tags you might see in the dollar store but it is worn and faded.  On it is typed two letters and three numbers - DM 2, 50.  Five of the figures have this same stamp.  Another is marked DM 2, 25 and three others are marked DM 2, 75.  Knowing my Oma came from Germany, my assumption is these are prices: Deutsche Marks.  For these figures to come from Germany means my Oma either inherited them from another family member or she bought them herself.  If she bought them, it would have been long ago since I remember this Nativity Scene from my very young childhood.  I can only assume these pieces are at least 30 years old.

I also know my Oma came from Germany when she was a young girl, a teenager I believe.  She was in Germany during WWII.  After she came to the United States, after the war was over, Oma went back to Germany to visit family several times and sometimes they would come visit us.  Despite knowing of her visits, I like to think this Nativity Scene came over with Oma when she was a girl.  Maybe it is the faded paint on the figures or the style of artwork and craftsmanship, but it feels old.  These figures are potentially 60 years old - or more. A piece of history, a time when things were both simpler and more complex than today.

I cannot thank my Oma for all the Christmas memories she gave me.  I cannot thank you for showing me the importance of tradition.  All I can do is honor the past and pass these memories and traditions on to my own future children.

Danke schön, Oma, und gute nacht.

Shine Bright Like a Diamond!

One of my favorite things about being a teacher is that I can be as nerdy as I want with my science stuff and I can pass it off as "something to teach my students."  However, that doesn't fool my closest friends who know I am a complete weather, earth, and space nerd.  Tonight is one of those nights that is so awesome for space nerds like me.  Tonight is the peak of the Geminid Meteor Shower!  To make it even more cool (as if it needed additional cool factor), another comet may be joining in the display.  Please welcome comet Wirtanen to the stage!  If you want to know more about the origin of both the Geminid shower and the potential shower from Wirtanen, Space.com gives a nice little overview.

Source:  http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/12/101213-geminids-meteor-shower-peak-december-science-space/

Now, to the important stuff.

When can you see it?  Tonight....laaaate.  Yes, you will be able to see some meteors shortly after sunset and throughout the night, but the best part of it will be in the wee morning hours...an hour or two before bar close in California.  ;)

Where can you see it?  Um, in the sky.  It really doesn't matter where you are.  You should be able to see it.

"OH NO!  It is overcast where I am!  This sucks!"  Don't panic.  We may not be able to control the weather, but that doesn't mean you have to completely miss out.  Some super awesome NASA peeps are going to have live video of the showers from Alabama!  They will also be chit-chatting away with anyone who decides to join.  In addition, the Geminid showers will stick around for a few more days and you will be able to see those awesome meteors until the 15th and 16th, but tonight...tonight is the night to see the best of it with upwards of 100 meteors PER HOUR!!!

So, my nerdy science friends, enjoy the awesomeness that is a space gift and enjoy the show!

Day 1 - Accountability

Today, I did something I haven't done in a long time - I put myself through a full workout.  Now, I know I have several friends who do a heck of a lot more than what I did today, but I pushed my muscles to their give in point and that works for me...for now.

Why is this such a big deal?  Before I moved to Arizona, I had been working with a freakin fantastic trainer for about a year (shameless plug for Lance Pimentel at TNT Top Notch Training in Stockton, CA).  I was in the gym nearly every day and I felt phenomenal.  Lance kicked my butt once or twice a week and I kicked my own butt the rest of the week.  I was slimming down, toning up, and had a ton more energy.  I continued the training and the gym in Tucson, but not as enthusiastically.  

Then I lost feeling in my right arm.  It would swing back and forth from numbness to pins and needles.  My hand would swell to the size of a grapefruit and the whole arm and hand were useless.  After weeks of tests, an MRI, and who knows what else (you know my memory sucks), the diagnosis was a severely pinched nerve. What did the doctor do?  He prescribed me a nerve blocking pill.  Um, how exactly does that unpinch the nerve???  Exactly. 

This was when I decided to try chiropractic treatment.  After watching how much it helped my mom, I figured the least I could do was try it.  After just one treatment, I had general feeling back in my arm and hand.  Turns out it was a rib out of place that was pinching that nerve.  After a few weeks, I could grip things again and stopped taking the nerve pills.  After a month or two, I was able to get back in the gym, but I no longer had the motivation and endurance because of the weeks I was banned for doing anything strenuous with that arm.  I was frustrated, and rather than push through like I should have, I quit.  

I have learned a lot since then.  I have learned that taking the easy way out is rarely the best way.  I have learned that physical activity is something my body craves.  I have learned that an overweight person who exercises regularly is still healthier than a person at the "proper" weight who doesn't exercise.  I have learned that physical activity is absolutely VITAL for maintaining functionality with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I stop moving, so do my joints.  So I am starting again. 

Today I took that first step.  Last night as I lay in bed, I planned out my workout.  I caught myself thinking "I will try to workout tomorrow" and realized I was thinking the same way I had been for the last two years.  I then changed that phrase in my head to "No.  I will not try.  I will perform.  I WILL workout tomorrow."  That change in thinking made all the difference.  Now, I know how easy it is to quit.  It is harder to get started than to quit.  And now we are to the point of this post.  

I would love if someone out there would be willing to be my accountability coach.  Because I don't want to spam this blog with my workout regime and I don't want to spam my Facebook wall with my workouts, I am going to start a new blog to track my progress and help me stay accountable.  I want to be able to track my increased endurance and strength.  What better way than a blog!  So, if you are willing to be my accountability coach, or if you want to be my workout partner, come check out my NEW blog at Butt Busting Diva!  I look forward to seeing you there!

A New Chapter

One of my favorite songs is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.  Though you have probably heard it before, for those who haven't, it is a wonderful piece of music dedicated to trying new things, finding your way, and deciding where you want to take your life.  That is where I am right now.  

For the last four years, much of my life has centered around school - becoming a teacher.  At the same time though, life dealt me some curve balls with 4 major moves, the hubby changing jobs 3 times, and me having to live separate from my husband for the last year and a half.  No matter how you look at it, life has been challenging, but the rewards are irreplaceable.  

Today, I know who my true and best friends are.  I know who will always have my back no matter how difficult life becomes. I know so much more about  myself, my motivations, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I have a greater appreciation for life, love, and family.  And as an added bonus, I have confirmation and conviction that I finally found what I am supposed to be when I grow up.  In the last 3 years, my life has fallen into place and at 30 years old, I finally feel like I am becoming who I am supposed to be.  

Now I have new challenges and new questions.  What is the next step in life? What do I want now? What do I need? What are my new goals and dreams? Which friends will continue to walk by my side as I write the next chapter in my life? How can I give back to my friends, family, and community? How do I want to make a difference in our complicated world? These are the soul-searching questions I ask myself as I ponder my future.  As Miss Bedingfield tells us, "the rest is still unwritten."  

My future will be what I make it, but I have to decide what it is I want and need in my future - assuming we survive the apocalypse.  ;)  So tell me, what are some of your goals for the future?  What are your dreams?  How do you want to give back to your community?

Where Have You Been Alicia?!?!

As you noticed, I haven't been around for quite a while.  I had all these wonderful plans and ideas for blogging and then school took over my life.  Then there was the multiple moves for the hubby's job and loads of other craziness.  To say the least, this has been a tough, but interesting and amazing year.  To those of you who have hung in there during my absence of postings, thank you!

Now, here is the reward for my dedication and hard work.  Enjoy!