In the words of a relative "9 years ago today American's were humbled. We had our innocence, arrogance, invincibility, naivety, security stripped from us but most filled the void with faith and pride. All Americans came together....something we desperately need to do again."
I know every blogger out there will be posting a similar blog posting today, but you know what? I don't care. I don't write this post to follow the crowd and I don't avoid writing this to be different. I write this because my life was changed 9 years ago. All our lives were changed 9 years ago. I write this for all the people who died that day, but I also write this for everyone who has died before and after that day at the hands of hate.
When it happened, I was driving to work. The radio station cut off the song it was playing and the DJ came on and said a plane crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers. They didn't know if it was an accident or not yet.
As I pulled into the parking lot at work, a co-worker was there crying. Another plane hit the second tower. Not an accident. Someone was attacking us, our nation, our values, our soul.
We sat at work watching the news, comforting each other. We sat in shock when we learned of the Pentagon. We panicked together when we heard a hijacked plane was headed for Dallas, then breathed deeply when it was corrected to Dulles, for though we knew we were safe, we had fear for those who weren't.
I joined two dear friends that afternoon. We tried to function normally, going to the grocery store, making meals, but it was all a facade. We watched the towers fall together. We watched the Pentagon and a Pennsylvania field burn. We mourned together, and then we stood strong together. Our nation stood strong together.
And then we started to forget...
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Bipolar Musings of my life, humor, health, family, friends, and beliefs.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Nothing's right. I'm torn.
A couple weeks ago, I got great news. Someone who has traveled the TTC path with me found out she was pregnant. She had been pregnant before, but sadly it ended in miscarriage, so I was very excited to hear when she got pregnant again. With the wonderful news though, there is always the worry that "it" will happen again. Yesterday, I found "it" did. It broke my heart to read the message. Tears came to my eyes and I wished with all my might I could be there to hug her and reassure her that she would get through this.
See, I love this group of TTC girls like they were my own sisters because we all get it. Simply put, infertility sucks. Miscarriages suck. Having to take drugs and hormones to try to get pregnant and then have it not work sucks. Yet, after the initial sadness of her heart-breaking news, I found myself thinking about my situation and I pondered a single question...
Would I rather go through the pain of never being able to conceive in the first place, or would I rather go through the joy of even just a few days with a life inside me, only to lose it a short time later?
My conclusion - they both suck giant monkey balls.
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See, I love this group of TTC girls like they were my own sisters because we all get it. Simply put, infertility sucks. Miscarriages suck. Having to take drugs and hormones to try to get pregnant and then have it not work sucks. Yet, after the initial sadness of her heart-breaking news, I found myself thinking about my situation and I pondered a single question...
Would I rather go through the pain of never being able to conceive in the first place, or would I rather go through the joy of even just a few days with a life inside me, only to lose it a short time later?
My conclusion - they both suck giant monkey balls.
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Tuesday, September 7, 2010
It's definitely you, not me.
Of all the things that come rolling through Facebook that are opinionated and possibly controversial, one of them really gets me riled up. How often do I talk about politics? Not often. I don't like arguing politics with anyone because far too many people are ignorant of the events and base their opinions solely on media coverage which is undoubtedly biased (Sorry Fox, "fair and balanced" my ass). Every now and then, something really strikes a nerve with me that causes me to throw caution to the wind and speak up despite whatever ignorant flak I might catch.
Today and tomorrow (or whenever I get my next post out), it is all about Muslims. Several weeks ago, this whole thing blipped onto my radar with posts and groups against a particular mosque being built in New York:
"If you think that putting up a mosque 600 ft. from ground zero and have the inauguration, on the anniversary of 9/11 in 2011, is immoral, inhuman and a complete lack of respect for the memories, of all that perished there, on that day and their survivors. That politicians are...doing a grave injustice to the fallen heroes, their families and all the people of New York City and America, THEN PLEASE COPY AND REPOST."
Seriously?!?! Are you freaking kidding me? This post being spread around is full of misinformation and an elitist, better than thou attitude. First of all, by saying 600 ft, whoever started the post intends to make it sound like this place is practically being built on Ground Zero itself, which is not true. This "600 ft" actually equates to nearly 2 1/2 full blocks away from the outer most edge of the World Trade Center site. Close, yes, but not the shock and awe close that was intended. Second, this proposed project is not just a mosque. Yes, a mosque will be included, but the plan also includes a community center with both Islamic and interfaith programming, a performing arts center, a gym, and a swimming pool. This complex is to be very similar to one already built on the upper east side of Manhattan.
Finally, there is just the attitude behind these posts that lights my fire. If this was a proposed Catholic or Mormon church, no one would be claiming it was "immoral, inhuman" and disrespectful. So why is this claimed of the Muslim religion? Last time I checked, terrorists do not include each and every person of the Muslim community. In fact, many terrorists have been varying branches of Christianity or Atheist. One cannot group the entire Muslim community into the terror category. Yes, there are some Muslims that are terrorists, but there are also Christians that are terrorists, Jews,... etc.
Beyond that, innocent Muslims died in those buildings too. No one ever thinks of that. If they want to build a mosque there, I say go right ahead. I honestly do not have a problem with it. For all anyone knows, they could be doing this to remember their own fallen family members who were innocent victims as well. Perhaps they are trying to build better interfaith relationships. Just because a person or group of people make a choice that would be different from what you make or prefer does not give you the right to criticize and accuse. That makes us no different than those who are out to kill us and bring us down. Try seeing things from another point of view.
As for the supposed opening day on 9/11/11, the construction hasn't even freaking begun yet. If you have any experience with construction, you know that it never goes to plan and it never ends on time. But even if it did and they did have an inauguration on 9/11, yea, it might make some people uncomfortable, but it is far from immoral and inhumane. Again, for all we know, they could be holding it on 9/11 to remember their own people who fell in those towers. Again, no one ever thought of that, did they? Let's all just assume that everything any Muslim does is for evil purposes. Yea, that will fix things.
So here is the deal. When you see these things, instead of allowing yourself to have a knee-jerk response and forwarding posts that only promote more intolerance and hate, try to look at it from another angle and try to verify some of the facts. I don't want to have to break up with you. It's not me, it's you.
Some sources to explore:
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2011400,00.html
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-07-14/us/new.york.ground.zero.mosque_1_landmark-status-landmark-preservation-commission-mosque?_s=PM:US
http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/guestvoices/2010/08 /mosque_near_ground_zero_its_about_the_community_stupid.html
http://www.minnpost.com/worldcsm/2010/09/07/21191/muslims_tread_carefully_around_proposed_mosque_near_ground_zero
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Today and tomorrow (or whenever I get my next post out), it is all about Muslims. Several weeks ago, this whole thing blipped onto my radar with posts and groups against a particular mosque being built in New York:
"If you think that putting up a mosque 600 ft. from ground zero and have the inauguration, on the anniversary of 9/11 in 2011, is immoral, inhuman and a complete lack of respect for the memories, of all that perished there, on that day and their survivors. That politicians are...doing a grave injustice to the fallen heroes, their families and all the people of New York City and America, THEN PLEASE COPY AND REPOST."
Seriously?!?! Are you freaking kidding me? This post being spread around is full of misinformation and an elitist, better than thou attitude. First of all, by saying 600 ft, whoever started the post intends to make it sound like this place is practically being built on Ground Zero itself, which is not true. This "600 ft" actually equates to nearly 2 1/2 full blocks away from the outer most edge of the World Trade Center site. Close, yes, but not the shock and awe close that was intended. Second, this proposed project is not just a mosque. Yes, a mosque will be included, but the plan also includes a community center with both Islamic and interfaith programming, a performing arts center, a gym, and a swimming pool. This complex is to be very similar to one already built on the upper east side of Manhattan.
Finally, there is just the attitude behind these posts that lights my fire. If this was a proposed Catholic or Mormon church, no one would be claiming it was "immoral, inhuman" and disrespectful. So why is this claimed of the Muslim religion? Last time I checked, terrorists do not include each and every person of the Muslim community. In fact, many terrorists have been varying branches of Christianity or Atheist. One cannot group the entire Muslim community into the terror category. Yes, there are some Muslims that are terrorists, but there are also Christians that are terrorists, Jews,... etc.
Beyond that, innocent Muslims died in those buildings too. No one ever thinks of that. If they want to build a mosque there, I say go right ahead. I honestly do not have a problem with it. For all anyone knows, they could be doing this to remember their own fallen family members who were innocent victims as well. Perhaps they are trying to build better interfaith relationships. Just because a person or group of people make a choice that would be different from what you make or prefer does not give you the right to criticize and accuse. That makes us no different than those who are out to kill us and bring us down. Try seeing things from another point of view.
As for the supposed opening day on 9/11/11, the construction hasn't even freaking begun yet. If you have any experience with construction, you know that it never goes to plan and it never ends on time. But even if it did and they did have an inauguration on 9/11, yea, it might make some people uncomfortable, but it is far from immoral and inhumane. Again, for all we know, they could be holding it on 9/11 to remember their own people who fell in those towers. Again, no one ever thought of that, did they? Let's all just assume that everything any Muslim does is for evil purposes. Yea, that will fix things.
So here is the deal. When you see these things, instead of allowing yourself to have a knee-jerk response and forwarding posts that only promote more intolerance and hate, try to look at it from another angle and try to verify some of the facts. I don't want to have to break up with you. It's not me, it's you.
Some sources to explore:
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2011400,00.html
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-07-14/us/new.york.ground.zero.mosque_1_landmark-status-landmark-preservation-commission-mosque?_s=PM:US
http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/guestvoices/2010/08 /mosque_near_ground_zero_its_about_the_community_stupid.html
http://www.minnpost.com/worldcsm/2010/09/07/21191/muslims_tread_carefully_around_proposed_mosque_near_ground_zero
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Monday, September 6, 2010
What is Friendship?
So I recently moved to Tucson, AZ from California and by recently I mean about 7 months ago. The transition has been challenging to say the least but the overall experience has been good. I feel healthier and happier than I have in more than a decade. I can move freely with little to no pain from my rheumatoid arthritis, my allergies are manageable, and I have no recurring bouts of kidney stones, ovarian cysts, sinus infections, etc, etc. I no longer have to work full-time, though I choose to work part time and go to school to keep my mind active and thinking. I am getting to pursue my dream of becoming a teacher and I am finding the path more rewarding every day. Yet there is something still plaguing me.
Friendship. When I left California, though I did not have many friends (I can count them on one hand), I left behind the best friends that have ever entered my life (well technically, one left me first *ahem* Missy *cough*). They taught me how to laugh and live again after my divorce. They taught me what it truly means to be alive and the value of life and love. I could count on them for anything. Day or night, if I needed them, they were there. Now I am almost 1,000 miles away from them and while they are still there for me by phone and email and I love them dearly, it just isn't the same. They will always remain my family, but I can't just get up and go say hi to them when I feel like it.
To fill that lack of human connection, I actively started trying to meet people here in Tucson. There are several people who I like to think will become good friends, but as some of the relationships build, I find myself asking "What is friendship"? To me, friendship is calling or texting each other on the phone just to say hi, popping by to see what is new in each other's lives, and asking for and offering help to one another. A friend is someone you can ask for an onion and not feel uncomfortable about it because you know they will ask for a potato later. A friend is someone who will gladly take you in when you just don't feel like being alone. A friend is someone you miss if you haven't seen or talked to them in several days. A friend is someone who will give you a ride someplace because you have no way to comfortably get there.
So tell me then, you who I consider a friend (you know who you are, though I won't call you out by name because that is just rude and something a friend would NOT do), why won't you let me help you? Ever? Why do you find it surprising when I miss you? Why do you find it strange that I want to take care of you when you don't feel well? I like to think of us as friends, but perhaps you don't? Should I even try? Should I just give up on this friendship? I really don't want to.
So can you tell me what friendship is to you?
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Friendship. When I left California, though I did not have many friends (I can count them on one hand), I left behind the best friends that have ever entered my life (well technically, one left me first *ahem* Missy *cough*). They taught me how to laugh and live again after my divorce. They taught me what it truly means to be alive and the value of life and love. I could count on them for anything. Day or night, if I needed them, they were there. Now I am almost 1,000 miles away from them and while they are still there for me by phone and email and I love them dearly, it just isn't the same. They will always remain my family, but I can't just get up and go say hi to them when I feel like it.
To fill that lack of human connection, I actively started trying to meet people here in Tucson. There are several people who I like to think will become good friends, but as some of the relationships build, I find myself asking "What is friendship"? To me, friendship is calling or texting each other on the phone just to say hi, popping by to see what is new in each other's lives, and asking for and offering help to one another. A friend is someone you can ask for an onion and not feel uncomfortable about it because you know they will ask for a potato later. A friend is someone who will gladly take you in when you just don't feel like being alone. A friend is someone you miss if you haven't seen or talked to them in several days. A friend is someone who will give you a ride someplace because you have no way to comfortably get there.
So tell me then, you who I consider a friend (you know who you are, though I won't call you out by name because that is just rude and something a friend would NOT do), why won't you let me help you? Ever? Why do you find it surprising when I miss you? Why do you find it strange that I want to take care of you when you don't feel well? I like to think of us as friends, but perhaps you don't? Should I even try? Should I just give up on this friendship? I really don't want to.
So can you tell me what friendship is to you?
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Saturday, August 28, 2010
Yea, I'm behind. Deal with it.
I would say that the last two weeks have been crazy busy, but if you are on my Facebook, you know I have posted "I'm bored" far too many times to rightfully claim the Busy Lady title. Instead, I will go with limbo. I have been in limbo the last couple weeks. I am caught in this weird oscillation between feeling good and being kinda down, but not really depressed.
More like I feel alone - alone in this big city and no one to really hang out with on a regular basis. Yes, I have been meeting people and spending time with them, getting to know them, but it isn't anything regular. You see, I have this problem. I am not an outgoing person. I have a really, really hard time going to someone's house, knocking on the door, uninvited, and saying "HEY! Wanna hang out?" I have a hard time calling someone up who I am not really close to and saying "HEY! Wanna go do something?" That's not who I am. I fear the rejection. I fear the person thinking I am too pushy or rude. I fear the person thinking I am too clingy or needy. I let what other people think of me matter far too much. Or rather, I let what I think other people think of me matter too much.
And that doesn't even start to touch on my speaking issue. My brain always seems to move far too slow when it counts so 10 minutes later I think "that's what I should have said!" Or I will plan out this whole conversation, then I knock on the door or get to the restaurant where we are meeting and POOF! Everything is gone out of my head and I am officially idiot material. Welcome to my world.
A friend who I have known for years online, but only met once in person and talked a couple times on the phone asked me, "How can you not make friends? You are so cute!" Well, I guess even if I am cute, I don't have the smile or personality that says "Talk to me because I don't know how to start a conversation and keep it going!" On the internet though, through email, IM, chat, blog, Facebook, and all those other online modes of communication, I freakin rock! Maybe it is because I can delete something before putting it out there. You can't really delete words that are already spoken aloud. Maybe because I have more time to think before responding. A quick wit is highly valued in spoken conversations and I just get too nervous with newer relationships to think wittily. Too busy with the "what ifs."
So yea, if you are a newer friend and you happen to read my blog, there's the deal. There is my downfall. So do a new friend a good deed and invite me out, cause I'm too chicken-shit to ask.
Who's idea what this whole "humans being social creatures" thing anyway? They are so fired.
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More like I feel alone - alone in this big city and no one to really hang out with on a regular basis. Yes, I have been meeting people and spending time with them, getting to know them, but it isn't anything regular. You see, I have this problem. I am not an outgoing person. I have a really, really hard time going to someone's house, knocking on the door, uninvited, and saying "HEY! Wanna hang out?" I have a hard time calling someone up who I am not really close to and saying "HEY! Wanna go do something?" That's not who I am. I fear the rejection. I fear the person thinking I am too pushy or rude. I fear the person thinking I am too clingy or needy. I let what other people think of me matter far too much. Or rather, I let what I think other people think of me matter too much.
And that doesn't even start to touch on my speaking issue. My brain always seems to move far too slow when it counts so 10 minutes later I think "that's what I should have said!" Or I will plan out this whole conversation, then I knock on the door or get to the restaurant where we are meeting and POOF! Everything is gone out of my head and I am officially idiot material. Welcome to my world.
A friend who I have known for years online, but only met once in person and talked a couple times on the phone asked me, "How can you not make friends? You are so cute!" Well, I guess even if I am cute, I don't have the smile or personality that says "Talk to me because I don't know how to start a conversation and keep it going!" On the internet though, through email, IM, chat, blog, Facebook, and all those other online modes of communication, I freakin rock! Maybe it is because I can delete something before putting it out there. You can't really delete words that are already spoken aloud. Maybe because I have more time to think before responding. A quick wit is highly valued in spoken conversations and I just get too nervous with newer relationships to think wittily. Too busy with the "what ifs."
So yea, if you are a newer friend and you happen to read my blog, there's the deal. There is my downfall. So do a new friend a good deed and invite me out, cause I'm too chicken-shit to ask.
Who's idea what this whole "humans being social creatures" thing anyway? They are so fired.
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Saturday, August 14, 2010
Have you see my mask today?
Depression. Those who have had it understand its pain and frustration. Those who haven't can only imagine what it must be like. They wonder what we mean by "pain"? How can depression be painful? And really all we can tell them is "It just is."
It isn't your normal kind of pain like if you burn yourself on the stove or you smash your thumb with a hammer. No. This is an internal pain. Sometimes it is like someone is twisting your insides around, your blood is burning, or you feel like you have to vomit, and other times, it's just a generalized pain that you can't even begin to describe. To top things off, rarely is there a good reason to be down. Often it just happens out of the blue. Heaven forbid you should actually be sick when the depression hits because it makes it spiral down even faster.
And then we have the public. Our friends. Our family. Our coworkers and clients. Too often we can't afford to be down and we certainly can't let anyone know. We develop masks -- masks to hide the pain. We plaster a smile on our face and pretend everything is okay. We laugh when we are supposed to and we function as best we can. We hide in bathrooms when it gets too overwhelming and fake a migraine when we just can't recover anymore and need to hide in our room. And on the few occasions when we just have to be in public and we don't have the energy or perseverance in us to maintain that mask showing "everything is just fine," someone inevitably asks what's wrong and we simply say we don't feel well. We have a stomach ache or we ate a bad lunch.
No one ever bothers to inquire deeper than that. We don't want them to. This is why we choose our excuses so carefully. We have an arsenal full of them. You will never know them all and we come up with acceptable new ones every day. All you can hope for is that one day, you will know us well enough that we will trust you not to cause more hurt if we take our mask off in front of you. And if that day comes, we hope you will be empathetic enough to hold us when we cry.
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It isn't your normal kind of pain like if you burn yourself on the stove or you smash your thumb with a hammer. No. This is an internal pain. Sometimes it is like someone is twisting your insides around, your blood is burning, or you feel like you have to vomit, and other times, it's just a generalized pain that you can't even begin to describe. To top things off, rarely is there a good reason to be down. Often it just happens out of the blue. Heaven forbid you should actually be sick when the depression hits because it makes it spiral down even faster.
And then we have the public. Our friends. Our family. Our coworkers and clients. Too often we can't afford to be down and we certainly can't let anyone know. We develop masks -- masks to hide the pain. We plaster a smile on our face and pretend everything is okay. We laugh when we are supposed to and we function as best we can. We hide in bathrooms when it gets too overwhelming and fake a migraine when we just can't recover anymore and need to hide in our room. And on the few occasions when we just have to be in public and we don't have the energy or perseverance in us to maintain that mask showing "everything is just fine," someone inevitably asks what's wrong and we simply say we don't feel well. We have a stomach ache or we ate a bad lunch.
No one ever bothers to inquire deeper than that. We don't want them to. This is why we choose our excuses so carefully. We have an arsenal full of them. You will never know them all and we come up with acceptable new ones every day. All you can hope for is that one day, you will know us well enough that we will trust you not to cause more hurt if we take our mask off in front of you. And if that day comes, we hope you will be empathetic enough to hold us when we cry.
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Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I'm all by myself
Today is Wednesday, August 4. The day my husband leaves me for his first out-of-town work thing for his job. It is a weird feeling. Usually it is me that is doing the traveling. See, for 4 1/2 years, I worked for a university where I traveled 5 times a year. Granted, they were only overnight trips, but they were still out-of-town. On top of that, if we aren't traveling together, it is usually me traveling to see my parents or friends. I usually plan these trips to be too long and end up missing my husband terribly by the end of it. But since I finally got to join my husband in February after two months apart (a story for another time), we have only been apart twice and that was to help/visit family.
Now my husband is leaving me for 4 days and I feel pathetic that I already feel lost without him. Usually, he comes home from work and we catch up on the day, have dinner together, play a game or two, then I do homework. Even on nights when I have school, I get home, we catch up on the day, and have a snack together before bed. I get to sleep next to him at night and get fabulous cuddles, and I get to wake up to his cuddles in the morning. For the next 4 days, I will get none of that. He may have time to call me to catch up on the day, but that is not guaranteed. No cuddles. No dinner together. And at least until tomorrow night, the house will be horribly or blessedly quiet (I haven't decided which yet) because our roommate is out of town too.
Well, at least I have plenty of homework to distract me...
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Now my husband is leaving me for 4 days and I feel pathetic that I already feel lost without him. Usually, he comes home from work and we catch up on the day, have dinner together, play a game or two, then I do homework. Even on nights when I have school, I get home, we catch up on the day, and have a snack together before bed. I get to sleep next to him at night and get fabulous cuddles, and I get to wake up to his cuddles in the morning. For the next 4 days, I will get none of that. He may have time to call me to catch up on the day, but that is not guaranteed. No cuddles. No dinner together. And at least until tomorrow night, the house will be horribly or blessedly quiet (I haven't decided which yet) because our roommate is out of town too.
Well, at least I have plenty of homework to distract me...
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